The Soviet threat was bogus

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Critical Analysis #2

The Soviet threat was bogus

Englishpoet
Member

since 2001-12-18

Posts 54
Birmingham, England

0 posted 2002-04-28 04:39 PM

Dear Ashley

Thanks for your comments. I have taken your points on board and hope you like the revised version. Let me know what you think. Asif

"The Soviet threat was bogus"

Life is gold
when Truth untold.
Before the butcher,
the lamb stands bold.
Inequity is high
when Greed wins.
Caged cannery cries-
What was my sin?

Self is sky-high
when pleasures dictate.
Hunt with hounds
display a cruel state.
Hope is low
when the spirit goes,
Whiteness withers
with the melting snows.

Freedom is falsified
when misinformation thrives.
The Cold War-
A cruel curse on our lives.
Integrity disintegrates
when left to fate.
Rainforests are vanishing
as we debate.

Yet life begins
to bubble and boil,
Dark deep beneath
the icy soil,
Foraging to seek-out
the Truth,
In the voices
of the questioning youth.

If you should bump into Truth,
Don't just say, "Sorry,"
or step aside.
Ask him why he needs
so many faces.
Under which mask
does he hide?

©2002, Asif Ahmed.

[An article in THE SPECTATOR by Andrew Alexander entitled "The Soviet threat was bogus" Andrew Alexander argues that the Cold War was fraudulent and jeopardised our security].

The heights by great men reached and kept
Were not attained by sudden flight,
But they while their companions slept
Were toiling upward in the nigh

Pearls_Of_Wisdom
Member

since 2000-09-02

Posts 175

1 posted 2002-04-28 09:21 PM

Hi again Asif,

Yes, I like this much better!  It's much more streamlined, I think.  I do have some suggestions to polish this a bit more.  First of all, check that every line that begins with a capital should have one (i.e. isn't a continuing sentence); that's just a typo thing.

Also, in stanzas 2 and 3, I wonder if you need all the words "with" and "when".  It might be stronger if you took some out eg. "Freedom is falsified; / misinformation thrives".  Same with "the" in stanza 4.  Here, you could have "in voices / of questioning youth" (and maybe "questioning" is redundant here based on what came before).  "The" is not the strongest word in general, and I think it's good to see whether a line can do without it.

"Whiteness withers / with the melting snows" (oh no another "with"! =)) I think is an improvement, but I find it hard to picture a colour withering.  Seems like a pesky mixed metaphor to me.

Other than that, I think you've done a great job here.  It's so exciting when I can be of help!  =)

Ashley

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