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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Jeen Member
since 2000-06-07
Posts 91 |
It is a blood sucking tick sesame seed sized secretly burrowed deep under skin until viced jaws release disease and it drops contentedly to the ground abdomen bloated host in pain with no understanding of why It is more intimate than a lover or even a best girlfriend knowing always the hidden it squeezes joy from the spirit fronting as anxiety or stress or fear causes me to forget it breathes on its own I see it as a black dog waiting in the corner snapping at my life as soon as I stir I beat it with prozac shove valium down its steamy muzzle but still it laps at my face as I fall into slumber and when I awaken in the morning thinking it is gone I find it sitting on my pink fluffy slippers Jeen [This message has been edited by Jeen (04-29-2002 07:45 PM).] |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
Hi Jeen, I like this and think it's very interesting. The first stanza really pulled me in. Really powerful, quick images. I've never heard of a tick as a metaphor for anxiety, and I think that's original and works quite well. I'm also a big fan of "knowing always the hidden". Neat. In terms of pointers, I think you might look at consistency. As the poem progresses, "I' shows up, when the first stanza is almost detached and doesn't mention an "I". Also, the lines get longer, and one thought continues for more than one line. Might it be stronger if you wrote it almost as if giving advice, i.e. "beat it with prozac", taking out the "I"s? This way you could emphasize how the solution is really no solution at all. Also, the images themselves provoked powerful emotional reactions in me, more than hearing the speaker's thoughts did. Can you give us more of this and less of the other? I don't think you need "I see it as" in the last stanza. How about just "a black dog..."? Also, I'm not sure about "laping my face". Do you want us to see the "dog" as friendly? Lastly, the pink slippers in the end seemed out of place, almost humourous, which I'm sure you don't want. I do think you have something here, though, and I hope I've gotten that across, despite my suggestions. Thanks for the read. I hope you'll post any revisions. Ashley |
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Jeen Member
since 2000-06-07
Posts 91 |
Ashley Thanks for the critique. I will use some of your suggestions in my rewrite. This was just a first draft. Jeen |
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