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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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lessons |
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raevynsbreath Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 64Mi, USA |
there was a little girl sitting in a tree i was wandering by and she called out to me "remember dear friend, with every beginning is an end. so treat it kindly." i scratched my head and walked on two days later no reason why i found myself sitting and began to cry years flew by i remember that day when the little girl took my ignorance away at the time i never understood but with time she knew i would there was an old man wise beyong his years children laugh sun dries his tears "remember dear child like is a place. feelings aren't mild. so experience all you can." puzzled giggles fill a sudden silence |
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| © Copyright 2003 _rae - All Rights Reserved | |||
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rose Member
since 2003-08-02
Posts 53 |
i like the deep metaphor you have here in this poem..and the poem itself, though simple, conveys alot. i like your ending too--it is quite unlike the rest of the poem and leaves the reader with something else to think about. good work. ~rose |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I think this is fairly cryptic... like we could use a little more to hold onto. Why is a little girl the voice of wisdom? It sincerely bugs me when people use kids in that capacity unless there's a real reason to do so... kids just aren't like that! So, I'd suggest either giving us a reason why you used a little girl, or using another more sensible person/symbol... the old man makes sense. Other than that I'd just try to generally elaborate and clarify here... years flew by... we don't even know this author, or what the years were like, what went with them, when this is set...? THis stanza, for example: 'there was an old man wise beyong his years children laugh sun dries his tears' Why was he crying? We didn't even know he was crying until you mentioned his tears... What children? You just keep throwing stuff at us, out of nowhere... Anyway, hope I've helped. |
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raevynsbreath Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 64Mi, USA |
i thank both of you for your comments. hush, however, there is mention of tears in the poem, earlier on. it is all symbolism. the little girl was not in fact a child, because as you said, children begin to represent the wrong thing when they are used with wisdom. but a reader has to pull from the information given that the little girl was strangely wise beyond her years, meaning something more. i was surprised you didn't ask me why she had told a stranger such! dear sir. i'm not writing a book with this poem. just going through the swift motions of a lesson. hence the poem's name. the details between the years would mean absolutely nothing in the poem and would be declared meaningless words jumbled to take up space. the old man at the end is the narrator filled with the correct knowledge and time. he is seemingly in a playground with children. he's telling them the lesson. it's the motions. yet again. nothing's being thrown, just circled. with poetry comes a bit of imagination. that is especially needed for this poem. thank you again for your words. i hope this clears up the fog. i bid you good day. _raevyn |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
First, clean up the spelling. Second, less lesson, more detail. Hush is right that it's cryptic -- I have Rod Serling in my head saying, "Picture a girl in a tree," and taking a drag. Hey, now that might be an idea to play with. Also, expand on that ending. I have a little aphorism I use often, "There is no such thing as teaching, only learning." Is that what you want to exemplify here? |
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Minister Joe Member
since 2003-02-22
Posts 78TX, USA |
Rae, Since you posted this in a forum for more serious critique--I would tell you to abandon the rhyme scheme altogether. Oft times when poets, and this happens more in the case of novice poets, want their work to rhyme--they are often only thinking of the rhyme. Now, this may be subconscious, but when writing a poem and you're searching for a word that fits--but can only fit in a certain way, and have a certain sound--imagery is often the victim of such a device. Your poem has so much abstract words and imagery here--that it's hard to grasp the idea--which should be the shining seed of the poem. Even if a poem needs work, or major work, if the seed--the idea is interesting enough--then the poem will still walk, when it should still be crawling. Give you poem some strong legs here by concentrating on your idea. Don't worry about rhyme at all. Try an exercise... write it all out--the story that you want to tell, to the last little detail... don't worry about putting it into a poem. Once you read that idea, feel it, and know it--it will be much easier to express in a poetic form. Try very personal and textured imagery. Go for the guts of a moment, and don't be afraid if it sounds weird or silly. Often, the more personal a spin in regards to senses, mood, and environment that a poet brings to their work--the more a reader will identify, and be able to get into a poem. If you want to weave a deeper metaphor inside your work, make sure that you have the foundation to support it--and that comes from vivid imagery, interesting language, and being true to the story. Thank you for this, --Matt Give what you can. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Actually, it's Ms. You tell me to use my imagination... but really, there's no reason that I would connect tears from the beginning to the old man at the end... what's there to tell me that the sudden switch from first to third person is still focusing on the same person? 'but a reader has to pull from the information given that the little girl was strangely wise beyond her years, meaning something more.' Yeah, I got that. She's wise beyond her years... why? how? What's the point? If she's symbolic, what does she symbolize? I never got around to wondering why she told a stranger something weird out of the blue, because I was too busy wondering why use a little girl at all? Once you have that, though, it's not hard to imagine a Sixth-sense scenario... here's this little kid teacing all the adults in his/her life things they never knew, blah blah blah... It's overdone and unnecessary. If it's symbolism you're going for, I really didn't catch what you were symbolzing- you're gonna have to hint a little harder. Hope I've helped. |
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