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Critical Analysis #2
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The Picture
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The Picture |
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j0n4th4n Member
since 2003-03-11
Posts 94 |
hey everyone, sorry about my last 'poem'.. i wrote it out almost exaclty as it came out, so it was really bad... also a lot of it is rubbish, i see now (not the good parts, i mean about me) heres one i wrote. i hope soemone will offer critism and encouragement. cause im not even sure if im good at poetry or not.. oh, and about the punctuation. what i do is try to puntuate it correctly, as if it were prose, but if a comma appears at the end of a line, i leave it out. i think it looks less fussy and more flowing. just incase anyone was wondering why there are so few commas.. anyway, .. The Picture I saw her in this photograph inside the purple album in the Signpost cafe. It was her, miss O-, pictured as she was at some unknown date in the past summer; there's an old feeling already, glowing softly, to this image. It is a picture, all I know, that was taken before I knew her. There she is, a round face in amongst a pool of other faces; and her body is all but obscured only a hint of burberry ending at her tea-colour knee, and navy-blueness above, a coat; the picture is one of heads, not bodies; looking up at the unknown picture-taker, they are all smiling to the camera towards the landing of the stairs. She is not smiling. But rather, her face has adopted the expression of sadness she likes to wear often; her soft lips seemingly affected only at the edges by gravity. It's odd that this image captured at an ambiguous date appears in front of my eyes despite it being an image of her I wasn't meant to see. And miss O-, grumpy expression, doesn't know that while she stares into the camera's flashy cyclops eye, she is staring through time, through space, and through experience right at me. And she in the picture will never know me. By the time she meets me she has become slightly another. But most of all, is this: did the expresion on her face, here in this photograph wet with shadowy light begin in and rise up from her heart? Or did it only remain sad for the moment the shutter went... Because it worries me a bit; her face is the only not smiling and there are as many as a dozen. Wait, there is one other not smiling. But I've forgotten who it is. [This message has been edited by j0n4th4n (08-07-2003 04:41 PM).] |
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grassy ninja Junior Member
since 2003-07-20
Posts 41Kentucky |
there are a lot of great moments in this poem. to me, it's almost more like prose. i really like the story that's being told, but as with you last poem, i think it goes on a little long. my favorite part is the last stanza: "But most of all, is this: did the expresion on her face, here in this photograph wet with shadowy light begin in and rise up from her heart? Or did it only remain sad for the moment the shutter went... Because it worries me a bit; her face is the only not smiling and there are as many as a dozen. Wait, there is one other not smiling. But I've forgotten who it is." this part to me, almost stands on its own as a poem. it has mystery, imagery, emotion. i love the anti-climatic ending! i don't know if you've considered writing prose, but i feel like you could excel at it. i do like this poem a great deal, but i feel it could use some shortening. in a poem this long, it can be easy to repeat the ideas and emotions already expressed, without doing anything more that restating them. good luck. a very interesting poem. |
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j0n4th4n Member
since 2003-03-11
Posts 94 |
thanks for your reply, it was great. yes, i have considered writing prose, in fact i have written about 4 short stories. nowadays i have very little time, so i tend to write poems more. i have written loads of poems, and some of them are dreadful, but a few i'm proud of, like this one. thanks for your kind encouragement! i will try and find a poem of yours now. ps have you read any book by haruki murakami? especially in 'the elephant vanishes', he is the master of anti-climax, so i think you would like it. i read it recently and whatever i read affects the way i write! (so i always have to be careful what i read!) [This message has been edited by j0n4th4n (08-08-2003 01:21 PM).] |
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