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Critical Analysis #2
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Metamorphosis
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Metamorphosis |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Yellow and brown leaves Flutter on a breezeless day Disguise a thousand Pieridae On a lifeless tree. |
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| © Copyright 2002 Brad - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
brad-- nice poem! i really enjoyed how you have turned everything inside out here. rather than presenting it as Fact or Reality hiding itself in illusion (a thousand butterflies on a lifeless tree disguise themselves as yellow and brown leaves), you give us the opposite, which is closer to the "truth" of our perceptions anyway: the illusion is fact first. the poem very nicely shows how, when we recognize a disguise as such, it not only alters our perception of the thing disguised, but of other things as well. (that's my take on it, anyway, lol.) just for the record, i had to look up "pieridae," and the poem made no sense until i did (it's rather a key word), lol. my very first reaction was "why didn't he just say 'butterflies'?" same number of syllables, even. but i like "pieridae," and wouldn't dare suggest a change. it is specific, which is almost always better than something general, and no doubt the butterflies of the pieridae family have the yellow and brown faux-leaf look you describe, unlike many of their cousins. the word also has a beautiful sound. the unfamiliarity of the word is itself also strangely appropriate; the illusion -- the thing as disguised -- is easily accessible to us, but the reality often is not. having the first line do double duty as subject to both the second and third lines seemed a little awkward without punctuation or a conjunction for guidance (although i think it was wise to leave them out). the break between the second and third lines can appear to signal a new thought with a new (missing) subject. you might be able to minimize a reader's momentary confusion there if you didn't capitalize each line. just a suggestion, something to think about. anyway, good work here, brad; thanks for a great read! jenni [This message has been edited by jenni (01-14-2002 02:37 AM).] |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
After jenni's reply there is little to add. I enjoyed the poem very much and agree with most of what jenni said. I don't think it is intentional, but the word breezeless puts me off for several reasons. It is almost like having a poem with the word azure followed by ( blue ) maybe it is just me but its inclusion gives the feeling that the author assumes we need to this clue to figure out these aren't leaves. great poem brad  There is society where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar. byron [This message has been edited by Jamie (01-14-2002 02:05 PM).] |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Jenni, Are you inside my head? Jamie, No doubt you can 'get it' but you'd be surprised how many others have commented at another site who don't. I thought I had screwed up somewhere. Brad |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
... brad - i would have had to look up the word too, 'cept jenni saved me the trouble... and i agree with her that it shouldn't be changed - and, while i can't go in-depth like jenni did, i will say that unlike a lot of your poems (which for me render more internal / emotional / mental images), this one plopped a clear picture right in my head - i could see this. also, i disagree with jamie - whatever your intention, i think the inclusion places emphasis on the visual connection between the two, something which i felt as i saw the pic in my head. anyway, though short (rightly so) this is probably, ironically, the poem of yours that i liked the best. thanks for the image today. C |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Thanks, Christopher. I needed that. Jamie's not wrong by the way. It's simply a matter of reading. |
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Victor_K Junior Member
since 2002-02-02
Posts 12Selangor, Malaysia |
Wow, good imagery in a few words! Brad, do you do any haiku? A little something from me... |
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Elizabeth Cor Senior Member
since 2000-10-13
Posts 879Over the river and through the woods |
library. that's all. |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
I really like this Brad, especially the word Pieridae, it has a nice sound when you say it out loud. The image you presented in this write was beautiful. caterina |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Brad: I, like Jenni, found the transition to the third line a little awkward to my ear and tongue. I found that inserting "Fluttering" in lieu of "Flutter" eased this a little for me and didn't, in my very rusty opinion, detract from the poem. As I often end up doing with your writing, I found myself trying to see if there were hidden elements to the poem ... some sort of philosophical statement beyond Jenni's interpretation. I stopped doing this after my nose started to bleed (a sure signal to stop)  and decided rather that it is the application of message that has the potential to be very broad.Very nice work, Brad. Thanks for the read. Jim |
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PoetryIsLife 
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... |
Damn. Thanks for the recomendation, Christopher. Sincerely, Titus [This message has been edited by PoetryIsLife (10-21-2002 05:17 AM).] |
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Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
The poem was good. The first reviewer's critique was outstanding. |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Hi Brad! My suggestions are in brackets: [I know others have praised this poem to the sky and perhaps I should follow suite. But here goes anyway. First, I found the word Peridae confusing and unnecessary. It is like saying my tendinous buccinator attachment is bothering me instead of simply saying this part of my mouth hurts. Of course if one is in an anatomy class or taking taxidermy lessons such nomenclature is OK. But in a poem all it does is stop the reader in his tracks and send him to the dictionary to find out that it only meant butterflies.] Yellow and brown leaves Flutter on a breezeless day [If the leaves are fluttering, then it is not a breezeless day. Unless this tree is some type of mutation. lol! What I am trying to say is that if you identify the leaves as leaves, then the reader will think that you are referring to leaves and not butterflies. Somehow this comes across as obvious deceit in order to get in that part about the pieridae.] Disguise a thousand Pieridae [It is better not to give a definite number as an observer. It takes away from the credibility. Observers do not count each and every butterfly. "Gee Joe! I saw a thousand butterflies yesterday on that tree!" My reply would be: "Did you count them?" On a lifeless tree. [There is nothing said previous to this which would lead one to believe that the tree is lifeless. In fact, the image I saw was of a very live tree. Brown and yellow leaves do not indicate that a tree is dead. It just means that the tree sheds its leaves for winter to conserve water via prevention of leaf respiration.] Sorry but after reading the poem several times I can only come away from it saying: "So what? Why should I be concerned?" [This message has been edited by Radrook (10-23-2002 03:38 PM).] |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Metamorphosis 1 a: change of physical form, structure, or substance especially by supernatural means b: a striking alteration in appearance, character, or circumstances 2: a typically marked and more or less abrupt developmental change in the form or structure of an animal (as a butterfly or a frog) "occurring subsequent to birth or hatching The Title tells all. The change. But what was in Changing? "Yellow and brown leaves" -----The colors shown here was autumn color...But was it autumn? "Flutter on a breezeless day" -----Leaves fluttering should happen in wind. But it was a breezeless day. Why the leaves fluttered by themselves? "Disguise a thousand Pieridae" --now, here shows butterfly "On a lifeless tree." so the season was unknown because the tree was dead and the butterflies were the leaves. So it was quite air vs flutter and Life vs death But who is changing? Not the wind not the butterfly as the title hinted But the dead tree who in general is not relevant to Metamorphosis, was changed by butterflies and the real changing thing ...it is the view of the reader. So this poem is, after all, a brain teaser. This remind me a cartoon that a tree full of leaves and when a boy threw a stone towards it all the black birds fluttered off and left a dead tree standing alone in the middle of desert in dusk. an unexpected change in physical form but not related to common sense of the Metamorphosis. I love this little neat poem. unexpected change Pieridae cling on arms of the unsung hero lost life in silence It was 11:23pm [This message has been edited by TomMark (12-08-2007 02:33 AM).] |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
"¿Qué pasa? Nada que sacude pero el lraves en los árboles y en ellos wouldn; T sacude si no fue para el breese " Hey, it almost rhymes in Spanish Sorry Brad, this is from back in the~ What's happing days~ sorry I should have lived so long. Yet and still I enjoyed it a lot. I absolutely love Tomtoo’s interpretation. My sister said something is lost in the translation, so here it is in English: The question " What's shaking ? " The sometime answer, " Nothing shaking but the leaves on the trees, but they wouldn't shake if it wasn't for the breeze " [This message has been edited by chopsticks (12-08-2007 12:00 PM).] |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Thanks for the replies. I am almost positive that this is not the final or current version of this poem. I just can't find that one right now. Ah hell, I just may have to work on it some more. It's been almost twenty years now since I first saw this 'tree'. In Thailand. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
In Thailand, huh? Hmmm...lotsa things are illusary there. Now you've got me wondering, but I will take j.b.'s approach, and not look beneath the layers too far. lest I get the nosebleed. I don't know why you'd wanna work on this, it's perfect as it is. (I really think we oughtta leave Thailand out of it--yanno? ) |
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