»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
Chameleon
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
Chameleon |
|
|
perseph1ne Junior Member
since 2003-07-09
Posts 16IL |
This is the first poem I've posted here, so any and all comments are welcome. She was a chameleon, conditioned to hide -- invisible in her camouflage. Long layered clothes protected her diished body, like a blue jean cocoon sheltering a fragile pupa. But she didn't get a new life; her butterfly was less than a dream. She was a chameleon. She came into my life amidst bums and businessmen. He cold chameleon body frozen in it's final hues. Blossoms of indigo bruises and dewdrops of vermillion blood tie-dyed her skin iradescently, while vines of whitened scars climbed her body only to stop at the amethyst chain around her neck. She was a chameleon, unable to change her nature -- even in death. |
||
| © Copyright 2003 Casey Cooper - All Rights Reserved | |||
Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
incredibly sad, and chilling is it about someone close to you? |
||
|
grassy ninja Junior Member
since 2003-07-20
Posts 41Kentucky |
i love this. the nature metaphor works well with the commercial images: blue jeans, business men, etc. i especially love that you didn't turn your poem into another poem about the proverbial caterpillar changes into the proverbial butterfly. some of the color imagery in the second stanza is a bit heavy for me, but i love the fresh look at the chamelon. your chamelon's ability to hide isn't so much a defense mechanism as it is her downfall. the final paradox is a great comment on hard it is to change one's nature, even if that person has perfected the art of changing its image. great poem. |
||
|
Magia_negra Member
since 2003-07-16
Posts 77CA, USA |
*agrees with Grassy ninja* I am not very good at critique when it comes to technical stuff, i just try to feel the poem.  I feel you, perseph1ne... Well, well done. ...somos los locos para siempre |
||
|
hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Hi. I think this poem is a really neat idea, and I also think you have some promising lines in it. First thing I would look at for improvement is the typos and mispellings. Just run the poem through a spell-check on MS word or whatever word processor you use. This line especially confused me: 'protected her diished body,' Even if you meant 'dished,' I still don't see what you mean by it. Now, here is where I think you have a really good idea, but it could probably be handled a little differently: 'like a blue jean cocoon sheltering a fragile pupa. But she didn't get a new life; her butterfly was less than a dream. She was a chameleon.' The idea of attempting a metamorphoses- and using a simile within your metaphor- is really cool. However, maybe you could do this a little more subtly- the repetition of 'she was a chameleon' (both here and later in the poem) gets to be kind of overkill. Also, a few other things: 'like a blue jean cocoon sheltering a fragile pupa.... her butterfly was less than a dream.' Now, I'm not sure whether cocooned moths are called pupa, but I am quite sure that butterflies don't spin cocoons- that have a chrysalis. However, I think the image of a cocoon is very fitting, considering it takes and active effort to spin, and also that jeans are cotton... maybe you could replace the word 'butterfly' with 'metamorphosis'? It's more of an active image, and factually sound. I also thought the less than a dream bit was interesting- because it suggests that an actual dream might be enough to get her to change, or to change her. (I'm reading the comic book Sandman right now, so the reality and power of dreams is something that surfaces a lot.) 'She came into my life amidst bums and businessmen.' I'm interested in this. I think it could (and probably should) constitute and entire stanza... who are 'you'? The narrator is a mystery to the reader.... what circumstances brought her into the narrator's life? The apparent beating? But why? How does she know the narrator? 'She was a chameleon, unable to change her nature -- even in death.' Intersting concept- she couldn't change her nature... what is that? One might think that a chameleon would be able to hide its pain- is it in her nature to reveal these things? Also, I'm wondering- she can't change her nature, but can she conceal it? Really interesting concept- I think it deserves some more fleshing out and detail, because your idea warrants some more detail. Hope I've helped. |
||
|
perseph1ne Junior Member
since 2003-07-09
Posts 16IL |
Thanks everyone for your help! Not inspired by an events in my own life, except maybe tv. In the fifth line the word is supposed to be diminished. Sorry about that. Thanks for pointing out the biology mistakes; butterflies are not the right insects to use. Did anyone get that the narrator was the M.E. medical examiner? I didn't want to come right out and say it, but maybe I wasn't clear enough. Anyway, much thanks to everyone for their comments. Perseph1ne |
||
|
hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I personally didn't catch that the narrator was a medical examiner- was she dead when she came in? Maybe instead of just: 'She came into my life amidst bums and businessmen.' You could add something on to it, like: 'She came into my life amidst bums and businessmen, stretchers and... ' something else medical here? I don't know- think about the tone you want to convey. Now, if this is a medical examiner narrating, there's still the issue of the first stanza. This narrator seems to know the chameleon girl... does he know her in real life, or is her just speculating about her life from examining her? That should probably be more clear, too. BTW, cool idea for the narrator. --Oops, I caught myself making that terribly sexist error... when I said he, referring to the medical examiner... I really should have said he or she... my bad. [This message has been edited by hush (07-23-2003 01:15 PM).] |
||
|
green_itchy_stuff Senior Member
since 2003-06-26
Posts 1929New Caney, Tx |
I've been writting for a while and I still don't ahve a talent for critiquing. I'm not sure if I can even spell the word right without looking it up. But nice poem and as far as Im concerened good imagery. And yeah it definitly is a bit sad. |
||
|
rose Member
since 2003-08-02
Posts 53 |
perseph1ne-- i just wanted to let you know that i did pick up on the fact that the spaeker was a medical examiner....but i found that to be sort of conflicting in that the speaker seems to know this person well at some points and not at all at others. so maybe it could be divided into a two-speaker poem? (although this is extremely difficult to do) or somehow clarify how the ME might know this info about the girl. or just cut some of the details out, without losing the tone of the poem. other than that, i dont have much to say...its already been said by others. good write. ~rose |
||
|
mircasaster New Member
since 2003-08-08
Posts 9TN, United States |
I thought this was a very interesting poem. I think I can see why at some poems in the poem, the persona seems to know the dead girl very well at times and not at all at other times. Given that this poem's persona is a medical examiner, it makes logical sense actually. A medical examiner can tell a lot about someone's physical circumstances and, in some cases through that phyiscal observation, he/she would be able to get an emotional perspective on the individual...this emotional persepctive can vary dramatically given the varied physical circumstances. Therefore, at times the medical examiner would, at times, could have a very good grasp on the girl's physical and emotional state and at other times, he/she could have a very limited grasp on the physical and emotional state of the girl. This is just an observation; I could be completely wrong in my conjecture, but I thought I would see if anyone agreed with that view. |
||
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
I genuinely enjoyed reading this and think, with a little tweaking, it has loads of potential. I won't get into critique, since it's already been done, but I do agree with most of what was advised. Good luck! Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
