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Critical Analysis #2
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Empty Nest
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Empty Nest |
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just a junkie Member
since 2003-03-04
Posts 53 |
This one has it's own set of problems, I am well aware of that. I took a pigeon from her nest and raised her up. A lot of feedings every four to six hours and lots of attention and care. When she started laying eggs, I decided to let her go. At the same time, my son was just over 18 years old and was talking about moving out of the house. I tried to tie the two together - with little success. I would appreciate any help or suggestions. Empty Nest We need to talk a minute on what happens here today when I offer you to Mother Nature, you need to fly away. Head towards the city for the birds that look like you. Don't look back my little friend they'll show you what to do. Be careful near the street and of people who are mean. You'll encounter a lot of things which you have not yet seen. Feed your belly when it is hungry as you awaken each new day. Keep your feathers in condition and don't forget to play. You're at a disadvantage because I took you from your nest, please know within your heart that my intentions were the best. Fly away my little friend- the world is now your own. I look back on the day we met and my, how you have grown. If we ever meet again down the road some time My soul will carry peace to know that you are fine But If you're ever cold or lonely- no matter where you roam, mom will always be right here and you can come back home. Just a Junkie |
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| © Copyright 2003 just a junkie - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
You have succeeded more than you might think. I like what you are doing here. I'll come back to this later but right now I have pressing things I have to do, not on the internet. Be back later, Pete g |
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Ladybug Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 236Massachusetts |
Hi Junkie! What a great idea for a poem, I think this is really sweet (and sad, in a way). I think that you did a great job with it so far. While reading, I tried to keep in mind that this could either apply to your son, or to the bird, and everything worked except for: "You're at a disadvantage because I took you from your nest" --> I don't see how a mother would take her son from the nest...then again, I'm 26 and have no children of my own, so perhaps you could explain it to me, hee hee. Besides that, I think everything was beautiful, and I hope you gave this to your son. Good work!  Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end... |
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just a junkie Member
since 2003-03-04
Posts 53 |
Ladybug, The "because I took you from your nest" part.....The word "I" is stressed. The word "nest" represents the hospital bed he was born in. He was at a disadvantage because of my drug addiction. I hope this helps. The bird flew away and my son decided to stay!!!!! There would have not been a 'true empty nest' as I have a younger daughter too, but for the poem the selected title seemed right. Thanks again Just a Junkie |
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Ladybug Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 236Massachusetts |
Ahhhh, that makes much more sense about the hospital bed. I'm glad your son stuck with you!!! Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end... |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Ok, I finally got a few minutes to study this one. Now before I start, I have to confess that I am a confirmed traditionalist, a lover of structure, rhyme and meter. Now, with that said, here is my take on your poem. Keep in mind that this is all just one opinion and not a particularly valid one either. You have a excellent outline for a classic ballad. You have told a story and it can have multiple meanings, depending on your viewpoint. Your rhyme scheme is correct and your meter is close. Depending on whose definition you like, ballads are traditionally written in iambic heptameter (7 feet per line) as rhyming couplets (lines rhyming in pairs). Alternatively, the individual lines can be broken into one tetrameter (4 feet) followed by one tetrameter of trimeter (3 feet). This last is very close to what you have. Just a little tweaking here and there, adding or dropping an occasional syllable or moving one from one line to its partner can bring it perfectly into line. Rather than try to discuss it line-by-line, I will just make some suggestions and reprint your poem with those suggestions. My changes are in brackets. Compare the two versions to see what I mean. Keep in mind though that I don't intend to rewrite your poem and I don't mean to suggest my words as suitable for a revision. They are intended only to smooth out the meter so as to properly fit the ballad format while changing the content as little as possible. With a little more effort on your part, I'm sure you can do much better than I have. We need to talk a minute [on] []what happens here today[.] [When Mother Nature beckons you], you need to fly away. [Now] head towards the city [for] the birds that look like you. [Do not] look back my little friend[,] they'll show you what to do. Be careful near the street [and of] [all] people who are mean[] [for] you'll encounter [many] things which you have not yet seen. [And] feed your belly [when in need] as [greeting] each new day[] [And] keep your feathers in [their prime] and don't forget to play. You're at a disadvantage [since] []I took you from your nest[;] please know within your heart [that my] intentions were the best. [So] fly away my little friend [--] the world is now your own. I look back on the day we met and [see] how you have grown. If we [should] ever meet again [along] the road some time my [heart] will [fill with] peace [to know] that you are doing fine. [] [But] If you're ever cold[, alone,] no matter where you roam, [your] mom will always be right here and you can come back home. Like I said, as a traditionalist, I just saw the ballad possibilities and couldn't help myself but tweak it into the form. Thanks for sharing Pete |
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EagleScorpion Senior Member
since 2000-03-08
Posts 1644Here, Now, Forever |
hehe i thought this was actually about you taking a bird from its nest i thought it was the cutest thing in the world. I guess anybody can interpret it in any way they please. I guess I posess an untrained mind.. but i would have never discerned that this poem was actually about your son and not a bird. Advice, advice, advice.. im in no position to give advice... WHEN IN DOUBT, BREAK STUFF |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Justa, This was really a good idea and you did a pretty good job of putting it together. Even if you hadn't explained your intended premise, it was interesting enough to get me to reread it. Hats off to Pete for seeing the similarity in style to a Ballad. Those are pretty good suggestions to improve your piece further--to tighten the meter. You'll find a synopsis on the style here: http://www.poeticbyway.com/gl-b.html |
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