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Critical Analysis #2
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Ladybug
Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 236
Massachusetts

0 posted 2003-07-07 10:45 PM


Sometimes life can be too vibrant...ahhh, the bitter irony of life... I miss my muse.  
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The shroud has been burned,
the scene is revealed.
I’ve emptied the ashtray,
wiped the soot from
my eyes.

I have my flashlight,
my map,
my compass –
everything I need to
keep from veering off
the painted road.

But I miss the darkness,
the fear –  
the unknown streets
that finally
led me home.

Leaning on prism walls
soaked in vibrant hues,
I crave the blank canvas
as I grip the dry brush.

How blind I’ve become
since the white light
touched my eye.



Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end...

[This message has been edited by Ladybug (07-07-2003 10:47 PM).]

© Copyright 2003 Shannon - All Rights Reserved
Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
1 posted 2003-07-08 10:21 AM


Impressions? A bit too wordy. I think you can trim quite a bit, especially too many I's. In relating a personal feeling, I think it would work better if you gave me more of a feeling that it could be me instead. Hope that makes sense.

I liked the last two stanzas, some uncommon ideas and well painted. But I thought the rest was too much description rather than imagery. Trimming some words would probably help that but even better would be, as the most overused cliche we see around here, "show, don't tell."

I think you have potential here and would be interested in seeing a revision if you choose to do one.

Pete

Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr

Ladybug
Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 236
Massachusetts
2 posted 2003-07-08 11:59 AM


Thanks for the feedback, Pete.  I agree, I would much rather "show" for the reader.  

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end...

[This message has been edited by Ladybug (07-09-2003 01:03 PM).]

wild irish
Junior Member
since 2003-07-09
Posts 31

3 posted 2003-07-09 01:53 PM


The unknown, is what a wise one craves.
I understand your sense of direction www.rateapoet.com

perseph1ne
Junior Member
since 2003-07-09
Posts 16
IL
4 posted 2003-07-09 08:55 PM


I'm a newbie to these forums, you're my second poem to review. I warn you now that I've just come out of a workshop class, so if my reviews get a bit analytical that's why.
First, I'm going to concentrate on your descriptions, mostly because I often have similiar troubles with cliches and original descriptions.
You have some wonderful images in here:
"I've emptied the ashtray,
wiped the soot from
my eyes."
"the unknown streets
that finally
led me home."
"soaked in vibrant hues"
These are all good, original images.
Your almost cliche ones are:
"shroud" The word itself and the concept of seeing beyond some sort of veil is fairly known. I don't think you're really doing much new with this image even though you are burning away the shroud. I like the burning away, but it may need more build up to be effective. Also the idea of using a compass to find your way has been done. Maybe think of something to do with a car or other vehicle, because the word "veering" kind of make it sound like you are in some form of transportation (car, bus, train, bike).
I think I pick up on this stuff in your poems because that's what people found in mine, so I've become very aware of anything that might be a cliche.
Overall, I like the idea behind the poem because everyone (at least everyone on this board) can relate to losing their way.
Perseph1ne

Ladybug
Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 236
Massachusetts
5 posted 2003-07-11 01:23 PM


Thanks for your feedback, Perseph1ne!  And welcome to PIP!

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end...

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