I Bleed Words. - pipTalk Forums

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exhale
Senior Member

since 2003-06-13

Posts 646
Alberta,Canada

0 posted 2003-06-25 06:10 PM

my heart was ripped open
and thrown on the floor
for all to see
for all to admire
whats there to admire
the heart of a poet?
or the heart of a lunitic?
i bleed words
all for your amusement
all for your entertainment
thats all i am
something to gawk and point at
nothing to get truly close to
nothing to truly love
just nothing
i bleed words...
*first time in this forum

Ladybug
Member

since 2003-06-17

Posts 236
Massachusetts

1 posted 2003-06-25 07:28 PM

Hi Exhale!  I enjoyed this poem and I love the idea of "bleeding words"...
A few suggestions:

"whats there to admire
the heart of a poet?
or the heart of a lunitic?"

--> I'd add a "--" here to transition into the next thought, or else it is read as one sentence, which is confusing.  See the difference:

What's there to admire --
the heart of a poet?
or the heart of a lunatic?

"all for your amusement
all for your entertainment"
--> this is redundant, since amusement and entertainment pretty much mean the same thing.  I'd suggest either removing the "entertainment" line, or replacing entertainment with a completely different word/idea.

"nothing to get truly close to"
--> I think "nothing to [truly get] close to" flows better with the following line.

Remember, all of my suggestions are merely my opinion and only YOU know how your poem is meant to be!  I really liked this poem, and I look forward to reading more from you!

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end...

cynicsRus
Senior Member

since 2003-06-06

Posts 591
So Cal So Cool!

2 posted 2003-06-27 01:21 AM

You could improve this poem simply by eliminating the first two lines--or redoing them more creatively. I swear, I've seen these same lines in so much "teen angst" poetry, that it's almost painful to look at them and not point them out as the glaring cliche's they are.
Hardly does the "I bleed words"(which I really liked, by the way)metaphor justice.

Sid

Wind

Member Elite

since 2002-10-12

Posts 2981

3 posted 2003-06-27 07:04 PM

yeah, start out by saying "I bleed words", it opens with the title, and it adds symetry to the poem

I said I'm going to buy a gun and start a war,
If you can tell me something worth fighting for
-coldplay

o. forrest cain
Junior Member

since 2003-06-13

Posts 17
West Virginia

4 posted 2003-06-28 04:06 PM

Excellent title and concept. Good suggestions above.

forrest

[This message has been edited by o. forrest cain (06-28-2003 04:08 PM).]

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