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Illusions
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Illusions |
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Greeneyes  
since 2000-09-09
Posts 9903In Your Poetic Mind 
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never mind.... [This message has been edited by Greeneyes (04-01-2002 04:55 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Lauren~ - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Raz Member
since 2002-04-30
Posts 51Quebec, Canada |
Don't give up so quickly, Lauren. Put it back. (Please.) -Raz |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
dang, and i was all excited! TEASE!  |
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Greeneyes
since 2000-09-09
Posts 9903In Your Poetic Mind |
there ya go Raz, have fun with it....I left it here for a while and no one responded to it,  so I took it away.....but would like to know what people think...so~~~~~~~~~~ Illusions I’ve somehow become dependant On all exceptions to the rule, Normalcy twisted with convention I’ve fallen hard, sometimes to honesty Other times to mystical reality It happens when my illusions get stripped, When I see myself as “me” Darkness falls and the spirits Are lifted right? A spiritual unblocking of sorts A beautiful day; to accompany the Misery I feel I might have married you We were compatible in many ways Dashing dreams to the left Flinging hopes to the right Simple letters Back and forth of “How the west was won” Now that doesn’t make sense to you But for me, it releases a complexion I’ve held far too long Would thoughts of mine explain the mystery? The ruse of answers, there are none I am here X Tossing my emotions around Trying to figure out What I am missing Maybe it’s the sketch of Nakedness, the truer Moods of life Winter will soon set The clouds will fight the sun For the skies attention, and Like a memory, Whispering colors will stretch Upon sad seas of music And landscapes Remind me how ecstasy feels Pressed to windows Remind me how love feels Pressed to time Rolling slowly Down life’s tracks I will recite tonight My words to you It’s not much, I promise to sing softly, Will you sit on the Stool next to me? Thirsty lips? Perhaps roses in hand? I dedicate this to him Nobody, not even him, Would call this poetry (Yet, and, but) I'll keep writing Just because I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings Could I have been anyone other than me True poems rest between the words Just give hope a chance to float up [This message has been edited by Greeneyes (05-03-2002 01:41 PM).] |
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Greeneyes
since 2000-09-09
Posts 9903In Your Poetic Mind |
Christopher~ have at it...LOL me tease??? NEVER.. pls if ya wish...tell me what you think Lauren~ I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings |
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Raz Member
since 2002-04-30
Posts 51Quebec, Canada |
Illusions Okay. Here’s the anal-retentive critic in me. I do like punctuation. Just because you’re writing free verse does not mean you have to disregard punctuation. I am always gentle, maybe firm, but from gentle motivations. Here goes. You can cut a lot out of this and retain its emotional immediacy. Sometimes less is more, for example (I’ve parenthesised what I feel you could cut): I’ve (somehow) become dependant On (all) exceptions to the rule, (Normalcy) twisted with [or ‘by’] convention I’ve fallen hard, sometimes to honesty Other times to mystical reality It happens when my illusions get stripped, When I see myself as “me” Whenever you can, use concrete examples… tell the reader which exceptions to the rule you’ve become dependant on, which instances of honesty, illusions covering what, exactly, etc…. The same would help the rest of the poem be less abstract, more tangible. After the first stanzas the poem gets rambly… a sort of stream-of-consciousness mood to it. It’s a bit hard to follow, but that’s your choice. That the emotion is put across is what ultimately counts. How you decide to do that is up to you. Good read, thanks. -Raz |
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