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Critical Analysis #2
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Bittersweet
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Bittersweet |
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Ladybug Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 236Massachusetts 
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(A fellow poet told me to write a poem on a whim, and gave me the topic: "spilled coffee at a train station" -- not my usual style, hope you enjoy!) ---------------------------- Waiting to be rescued by the 5:47, surrounded by fellow zombies and the acrid stench of lost souls, she parts her lips and welcomes the warm caress of caffeine, swallowing the stress of another day. Safe behind the yellow line, she listens for her hero’s whistle, calmly sipping her umber heaven, as devils diffuse from her taut skin. The warm liquid soothes her wounds. Lips curl with pleasure as she basks in the brew, knowing that nothing could wake her from her rightful rest. Finally, she hears her hero’s voice as he nears the station. Slowly, she raises her cup to toast his arrival with one last sip, but before her lips receive a drop, BAM! The dead scurry forth to board the train, and her spilled coffee sizzles on the third rail. Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end... |
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| © Copyright 2003 Shannon - All Rights Reserved | |||
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~DreamChild~ Senior Member
since 2001-04-23
Posts 544in your dreams |
kinda_vague_w/_no_concrete_subject_matter... Freedom is the dream of sleeping reality |
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Ladybug Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 236Massachusetts |
Hi DreamChild, thanks for the feedback, although I'm not sure what you mean. I thought it was pretty obvious what the subject was about, and the only part that I think is ambiguous is the ending which I chose to leave a little open...the reader can take from it what they will. The coffee is a metaphor for her life, and can either be interpreted as her "literal" life (i.e. she was pushed off the platform by the other people hurrying to board the train) or you could take it as a metaphorical "life" (i.e. she was pushed by the others, and dropped her coffee -- therefore, she was forced to return back to her stressful life, the coffee representing her momentary escape from her workday) I wrote this poem very quickly for a fellow poet at another poetry forum, simply as a fun break from my writer's block; and again, all she gave me was the topic "spilled coffee at a train station." I had no previous intentions of how this poem would turn out, I simply let the poem write itself...which was interesting since I didn't even plan for it to end on a sad note. Thanks again for your feedback.  Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end... |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Speaking of vauge with no concrete subject matter, how about that critique, DreamChild!? Ha! Anyway, my comments: The train as hero to take speaker away works, I think, and I liked the zombie imagery ("dead scurry" etc.) The only major change I would suggest would be the word "BAM". If you were going for the comic book feel (reference to hero) I would go all the way to make it more obvious, such as KABLAM or something (preferably something that makes the sound of people moving forward in a rush). As it is, I found "BAM" to be an ineffective onomatopoeia (spelling?). If you weren't going for comic book sounds, I might just drop it--although I think it provides a good sharp transition. Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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Ladybug Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 236Massachusetts |
Thank you, Kirk! I agree that the BAM is a bit too comical, and that wasn't really what I was going for. I was trying to go for a transition, like you said...do you think it would work as well to simply remove BAM? Does that offer enough transition? Thanks again for your feedback! Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end... |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
I think that a transition is needed, but could be accomplished with an extra space, indenting the stanza, etc. Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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Ladybug Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 236Massachusetts |
Thanks, Kirk...I will play around with it a little! Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end... |
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ladywrytr Junior Member
since 2003-06-23
Posts 10Southeastern MA |
I love this one and feel that "Bam" can be removed and without it, the sudden turn of events hits even harder and without any warning! Nice work, daughter! What lies behind us and what lies before us are but tiny matters compared to what lies within us |
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Ladybug Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 236Massachusetts |
Thanks, Mom  Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end... |
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