Envy --repost from openpoetry #27

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topsyturveychick
Member

since 2003-01-19

Posts 57
Bris,QLD,Aus

0 posted 2003-06-17 11:49 PM

--Hey I was told that if I wanted my poems critiqued then this is the place to go. I'd really like to know what u guys think about this poem. I wrote it from a view that I hoped everyone can relate to. Not all of the things in here I envy but I know that alot of ppl do. I've only just started writting poetry and would love to know how I can improve. P.S any help with spelling,punctuation and grammer would be great...I failed english and want to get my standards up. Thank you for your time--

Envy

I envy those that can cry,
For they are able to show emotion.
I envy those that can laugh at themselves,
For they will never cease to be amused.
I envy those that have beauty,
For they gain poularity in our world.
I envy those that have character,
For you are working hard at yours and theirs comes naturally.
I envy those that have confidence
For they have an advantage above others, in everything they do.
I envy those that have opportunities and take them,
For they gain skill and ability.
I envy those with success,
For with success comes admiration and lifestyle.
I envy those with wisdom,
For wisdom is the greatest gift.
I envy those that are smart,
For they will always succeed in the path they choose.
I envy those that are happy with how they look,
For they are comfortable with who they are.
I envy those that are tall,
For they will never know the feeling of being looked down on.
I envy children,
For they are completly oblivious to the worlds surroundings.
I envy those that can sing,
For they will always be the voice that comforts those that are hurt.
However, why should I envy these people,
When these are they people that I should look up to?

I asked God how much he loved me...
He said this much...
And streched out his arms and Died.

**Sunshine**

Ladybug
Member

since 2003-06-17

Posts 236
Massachusetts

1 posted 2003-06-18 11:11 AM

Hi Topsy!

Well, I'd like to first say that this is pretty good for someone just starting out in poetry.  I think the poem started out strong, but then some of the "reasons" for your envy seemed a bit forced or weak.  I'll do my best to offer some helpful feedback:

"poularity" = popularity

"I envy those that have character,
For you are working hard at yours and theirs comes naturally."
-- I like what you are trying to say, but the wording is awkward and requires a lot of work from the reader.  Perhaps try to reword it to be a little clearer.

"I envy those that have confidence
For they have an advantage above others, in everything they do."
--why do they have this advantage?  Elaborate.

"I envy those with success,
For with success comes admiration and lifestyle."
--not sure what you mean by "lifestyle"

"I envy children,
For they are completly oblivious to the worlds surroundings."
--I really like this line, but I'm not sure if "oblivious" is the word...perhaps talk about their innocence?  And "world's surroundings" is redundant, perhaps "the world around them" ?

"However, why should I envy these people,
When these are they people that I should look up to?"
--Hmmm...I really can't decide if I like this ending of not.  I really like the message, but I'm not sure if I like it being a question at the end.  (-:

There were many things I really liked about this poem also.  I think it has great potential!  And please take all this criticism as a compliment...I am new to this site and another poetry forum I frequent doesn't do enough REAL criticism...just "wow, great poem" type stuff, and I'm pretty sure you are looking for actual feedback.  Good job!

topsyturveychick
Member

since 2003-01-19

Posts 57
Bris,QLD,Aus

2 posted 2003-06-18 07:36 PM

Hey Lady Bug...Wow thanks so much. I'm printing this page and going to update and refine all about what u said. I agree with the ending lol...to tell u the truth I really didn't know how to end it...so I just kinda stuffed something in there at the end. Thanks for that it helps alot.

I asked God how much he loved me...
He said this much...
And streched out his arms and Died.

**Sunshine**

Ladybug
Member

since 2003-06-17

Posts 236
Massachusetts

3 posted 2003-06-20 11:18 AM

Hi Topsy! You're very welcome for the feedback... And remember, only YOU know how the poem is meant to be, so take everyone's advice into consideration, but go with your own heart and instincts

I know what you mean about ending a poem just to end it, I've done that before...or not knowing what word to use somewhere, so just putting anything for the moment until something better comes along. Good job and hope to see you around!

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end...

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