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Critical Analysis #2
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Dead Dreams
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Dead Dreams |
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kadafi09 Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 143California, United States |
Dead Dreams Listen to the screams of all the deceased dreams they haunt us daily thinking of them shall destroy thee you torment yourself everyday everyday with what could have been yesturday you lie on your bed crying, without consolation, because your dreams are dead |
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| © Copyright 2003 Jorge Vega - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Ladybug Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 236Massachusetts |
Hi Kada, good poem! I really like how the deceased dreams "scream" -- very interesting, and makes for a nice rhyme as well. (-: Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end... |
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kadafi09 Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 143California, United States |
thanks for the response ladybug coming from a truly skilled poet as yourself it is high praise thanks again |
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Ladybug Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 236Massachusetts |
Wow, thanks for the compliment! (-: And I look forward to reading more from you. (Today is my first day as a member, too!) Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end... |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hey, welcome to the forum. It's good to hear a new voice. As for the poem, not all bad but there are two words that just jump out of a poem for most readers absolutely screaming CLICHE. They are dream and soul. Although not impossible, it is awfully difficult to write a poem about either. I can't count the times I have seen people in these forums claim that they refuse to even read such a poem. Well, I'm not the adamant but I really didn't find this one original enough to be truly interesting. BTW, yesterday is misspelled. Pete [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (06-17-2003 08:29 PM).] |
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kadafi09 Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 143California, United States |
Thank You Peter for your input, because of you, I'm sure that I'll grow further as a writer, if I may call myself one. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
If you stick around CA for a while I do hope you can grow as almost everyone here does to some degree or other. Don't count on me for much magic though. I am a rank beginner and can't prefess much knowledge at all. Thanks, Pete |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
HELLO! and WELCOME! ******************************************* Listen to the screams of all the deceased dreams they haunt us daily thinking of them shall destroy thee you torment yourself everyday everyday with what could have been yesturday you lie on your bed crying, without consolation, because your dreams are dead ***************************************** Use 'dead' instead of deceased. Drop the word 'thee,' then leave 'you' by itself on next line, then drop the 'torment yourself daily' to the next line. When you read this out loud, you'll see why it reads better without 'thee.' And when you drop the second 'everyday' and fix the spelling to 'yesterday' it has a better flow. My thoughts, anyway. [This message has been edited by Midnitesun (06-18-2003 12:25 PM).] |
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Cytten Junior Member
since 2003-06-13
Posts 16Canada |
WOW! this really has alot of fealing in it. It remimnds me of what I'm going through right now. |
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