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Critical Analysis #2
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Rosa Multiflora
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Rosa Multiflora |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Please especially look at my meter. I have been working on it, but am having some difficulty. Rosa Multiflora by Kirk T Walker Everyday my trailside grows thick with multiflora rose, a rambling, thorny underbrush. When the petals come to blush, summer's breezes come to woo as fragile petals bloom to view. Reaching out her viney arm, stroking skin, both soft and warm, the rose then plants a summer's kiss. She conveys her loneliness, stinging gently my retreat to leave her alone in the heat. |
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| © Copyright 2003 Kirk T Walker - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Kirk, Haven't heard from you in a while. How ya been? As far as your meter goes, it looks right on to me, except for the last line. Alone doesn't work there. If you change it to lonely, it perfects the meter and I think really says the same thing, maybe even with a little more emotion. This is and interesting meter. Each stanza has 2 lines of trochaic, dropping the final unstressed syllable, finished off by an iambic. Initially it seemed a little challenging to read properly but after a stanza or two, it started to feel pretty good. I like it. Pete |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hi Kirk, I liked this whimsically metered poem and I too found the choice interesting. As far as content goes, a lot of it when read individually, borders on cliched. But I think the format covers this up nicely. I found it easy to ignore the cliches because the majority of the poem flows pretty smoothly. Since you are asking about ways to improve the meter, here goes: "to leave her alone in the heat" For some reason I found this line clunky and can't get past stumbling over it. Perhaps consider either shortening the meter or changing the stress. But all in all I enjoyed this poem. I'm digging the title too. I did find however, storywise, that it seemed to jump so quickly from one image or idea to another, which seemed to hinder the poem a bit. But again, I found it too be a smooth sounding poem so it was easy to overlook the rapid fire storyline. Thanks, good read. Trevor |
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Ladybug Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 236Massachusetts |
Hi Kirk! I like the rhyming pattern you have here. I also found that the meter was fine, except for the last line. I like Pete's suggestion of "lonely" -- not only because of the added emotion, but also because of the alliteration: "leave her lonely" sounds really nice. However, I think this would be too similar to the word "loneliness" in the same stanza. Perhaps you could use "solitude" which also adds some alliteration with "stinging" in the next line: "She conveys her [solitude], stinging gently my retreat to leave her [lonely] in the heat. I really enjoyed this poem, good job!  Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end... |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Oops, my bad. I didn't notice the lonliness in the same stanza. I like Ladybug's suggestion to correct that. In fact, it really seems like a better word there anyway. Pete |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Some very thoughful replies and extremely helpful. When I first started experimenting with poetry I completely ignored meter because I found it difficult, and I felt that it sometimes got in the way of what I wanted to say (especially the incorporation of specific phrases). However, the more time I spend writing and reading poetry, the more I realize the importance of meter. Pete: I'm doing fine. I still log in occasionally to peruse the work of others, but have been spending more time working on short fiction. Trevor: Yes, I am aware that, for the most part, using a flower (especially a rose) as a metaphor for ANYTHING is likely to sound cliched. I was hoping for an ironic twist on this because of the type of rose that I selected. The Rosa Multiflora is a noxious plant that has been known to overtake entire fields and often runs rampant throughout forests. Because this rose, which is both delicate and beautiful when in bloom, is really considered a menacing weed by many, I thought I might have escaped the wrath of the cliche. But perhaps I did not. Thanks for your comments. Ladybug: Thanks for your help with the last line. The only problem I have with the "solitude" suggestion is that it messes up the rhyme scheme AAB-BCC-DDE-EFF. What do you think about replacing "alone" or "lonely" with "longing"? |
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