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hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

0 posted 2002-03-27 10:50 PM

It’s March outside
and there’s about ten inches of snow on the ground
the sun is out and melting it
(nature’s big golden shovel, he tells me)
and I’m curled horizontally with him,
we’re parallel bodies strewn on the bed.
My temple rests comfortably on his collarbone,
his hand has pushed up my shirt
and strokes the small of my back.
We’re listening to Third Eye Blind,
and I can feel his chest falling downward,
away from me as he exhausts his breath singing along,
but I’m falling along with him,
we’re falling together until he inhales,
ready for another verse-
I smile, completely beguiled by this wintry sort
of springtime day,
far removed from mundane things like
routines and plans, responsibilities and finances,
even from the usual sort of concerns
that go along with romances.
I am wide-awake and even-keeled,
content and whole and undisturbed,
serene, clear-headed,
right now I need nothing more
and I wonder
if this is what happiness is?
The here-and-there hyphenated moments
full of abstractions and adjectives
where there is nothing else to want,
and nowhere else to be?
This calm, lucid tranquility;
Is this what I need
to do more
than just get by?

This is a little different for me... I usually don't get so prosey and verbose... I'm wondering if it works out or not, and also whether the end is conclusive enough or does it need a little mroe concluding? Thanks in advance.

"Love is a piano
dropped from a four story window
and you were in the wrong place
at the wrong time." -Ani DiFranco

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

1 posted 2002-03-29 10:57 AM

Hi Hush,

You're right, this is a little different for you. I found it really interesting. You really got my interest with the "hand up the shirt" but I liked the way you cooled it back down.

I suppose it may be a little verbose, as you suggested. But for some reason that didn't much bother me. I can't really be more explicit for some reason today but I felt like you said "I" too much. It may be just me but I felt like I knew it was you after the first mention. You didn't have to keep telling me. That's all I can suggest today.

Nice work.
Pete

brian madden
Member Elite

since 2000-05-06

Posts 4374
ireland

2 posted 2002-03-30 05:48 PM

I like, I like a lot... a gentle melancholy,
somewhere between bliss and sorrow. The images are simple, but effective and colourful
especially like the one
"nature’s big golden shovel, he tells me."

I can't offer any suggestions just to say that I enjoyed the read. Beautiful poem.

A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.oscar wilde

jenni
Member

since 1999-09-11

Posts 478
Washington D.C.

3 posted 2002-04-01 01:41 AM

hush--

nice job here overall!  i thought the first part of the poem was very nice, especially the whole section from "i'm curled horizontally with him" to "ready for another verse;" very vivid, interesting, original, and touching.

the rest of the poem though, as i see it, merely tells us what the previous part has already shown us, then moves into almost rhetorical questions that appear to want to interject some feeling of ambiguity to the speaker's feelings about the scene.  i think you'd have a stronger poem here if you got rid of the repetitive parts that are mere "telling" anyway (the reader already gets the sense -- from the beautifully written previous section -- that the speaker is beguiled, far removed from ordinary stuff, is wide awake, content, serene, etc.) and worked in actions or images within the actual scene on the bed that show the reader the nature of the questions explicitly asked at the end.

the opening line, "it's March outside", also seemed a little flat, especially for an opening line (and if you're not going to contrast march OUTside with some different season or month INside, i'd think about revising that line anyhow).

anyway, there ya go, my two cents for what it's worth.  nice poem here; thanks for posting it for us.

jenni

[This message has been edited by jenni (04-01-2002 01:42 AM).]

punksmurf
Junior Member

since 2002-01-01

Posts 37
new hampshire, U.S.

4 posted 2002-04-04 06:34 PM

i agree about 'it's march outside' but it does sort of set the mood, i especially liked your description of his breath falling away from him, this is a bit different, but it's sounding really good, i wish you hadn't cooled down after the hand-shirt thing, it would have been fun, but also would have completely moved the poem's focus-good work
~Me

"the worst part/ was hitting the ground/ not the feeling/ so much as the sound"
*Barenaked Ladies
'Toniht is the night i fell asleep at the wheel

J.L. Humphres
Member

since 2000-01-03

Posts 201
Alabama

5 posted 2002-04-09 02:28 PM

hush,
I really like this poem. I don't really have much advice but in my opinion this poem "works" really well in content and style. Thanks.
J.L.H.

Jason
God is a warm whisper from the cool void.
Jack Kerouac

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