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Englishpoet
Member

since 2001-12-18

Posts 54
Birmingham, England

0 posted 2002-03-26 02:06 PM

Reflection of a Stranger

The sun came in without invitation,
And left too soon without consent.
His life began without asking,
Death will come despite his protest.

His garden bloom tulips and roses,
Flowers dressed to dance with bees.
An icy wind came without bidding,
And his garden came to a freeze.

© 2002 by Asif Ahmed

The heights by great men reached and kept
Were not attained by sudden flight,
But they while their companions slept
Were toiling upward in the nigh

strbbux
Member Elite

since 2001-12-19

Posts 3859

1 posted 2002-03-26 07:58 PM

What do you think of this Asif?

The sun came in without invitation,
And left too soon without consent.
His life began without his aproval,
Death will come despite his lament.

His garden blooms of tulips and roses,
Flowers dressed to dance with the bees.
An icy wind came along without bidding,
And his lovely garden came to a freeze.

Of course you don't have to accept any of this, but it is a nice poem, and the words I added jumped out to me. So take what you like and delete the rest, or delete it all...regards. floria

Floria

"Alas for those that never sing,
But die with all their music in them"
(Oliver Wendell Holmes)

[This message has been edited by strbbux (03-26-2002 08:00 PM).]

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

2 posted 2002-03-27 02:04 PM

I quite like this how it is... I think Floria's revision removes the immediacy, which I thought to be the biggest appeal of this. Only one comment:

'His garden bloom tulips and roses,'

Was bloom here meant to be bloomed or blooms? You need to turn this into verb that works with the singular garden for it to make any sense.

Other than that, really enjoyed this. Hope I've helped.

"Love is a piano
dropped from a four story window
and you were in the wrong place
at the wrong time." -Ani DiFranco

Englishpoet
Member

since 2001-12-18

Posts 54
Birmingham, England

3 posted 2002-03-27 04:14 PM

Dear Hush

I agree with you. Floria was kind but I'll keep it as it was, but thanks for correcting the bloom to blooms.

Asif

The heights by great men reached and kept
Were not attained by sudden flight,
But they while their companions slept
Were toiling upward in the nigh

Englishpoet
Member

since 2001-12-18

Posts 54
Birmingham, England

4 posted 2002-04-04 06:51 PM

Floria

After reflection, I accept lament is better than protest.

Thanks

Asif

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