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sunbunbun
Junior Member

since 2002-02-07

Posts 21
Durham, NC

0 posted 2002-02-26 02:18 PM

I cried today

You look to me to be strong
And today I felt so wrong,
Listening as you spoke
My heart, again broke.

My Father

Everything I do to make you proud
I feel it although never spoken aloud,
Always there for me
Your strength, inside of me I see.

My Mother

Caring for Daddy each and every day
Selflessly struggling no one there asks if you are okay,
Your husband of fifty years
Many times it brings you to tears.

How can my father be dying
Every day I wish they were lying,
Once a strong, vibrant man
Little movement, no voice, barely able to grasp my hand.

Another stroke took from us
All that we would discuss,
Inside that body you are trapped
Now often in pain you are wrapped.

There is nothing I wouldn’t do
If there was a way to take all of this away from you,
How could a God allow such a disease
Help me to somehow understand this PLEASE!

I try so hard to be tough
On you Mom, it is much more than rough,
A shoulder for you in your time of need
From now on alone, when no one can hear, I will allow my tears to succeed.

I cried today

SBB

Knowledge empowers,
language a tool,
poetry a vision.

dmd 01/02

Victor_K
Junior Member

since 2002-02-02

Posts 12
Selangor, Malaysia

1 posted 2002-02-26 08:19 PM

Hello, sunbunbun. Just a little thing here, although I've read this from you before; try this:

Caring for Daddy each and every day
Selflessly struggling
no one there asks if you are okay,
Your husband of fifty years
Many times it brings you to tears.

Might not look good for the rhyme scheme, but I think it reads better this way.

I hope you writing this has given you much strength.
Best wishes,
Vic.

A little something from me...

merlynh
Member

since 1999-09-26

Posts 411
deer park, wa

2 posted 2002-02-28 05:57 PM

I know when something is written from the heart. It hit very deep!

Kirk T Walker
Member

since 2000-01-13

Posts 357
Liberty, MO

3 posted 2002-02-28 06:59 PM

I agree that this seems to be from the heart, but the rhyme sort of ruins it for me. My advice is to forget about the rhyme and concentrate more on using original language and creative analogies to portray this as a unique, specific, and personal experience. Good luck.

Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion.

sunbunbun
Junior Member

since 2002-02-07

Posts 21
Durham, NC

4 posted 2002-03-04 03:07 PM

Thanks to all for your comments and suggestions.

This was written from the heart, in a laundromat in SC, one Sunday afternoon after an upsetting conversation with my Mom about my Father's worsening condition.

This poem just poured out of me and wasn't planned to be a certain type of poem. I am glad that the emotions came through to the readers, it helped a bit to write it.

The Exile
Member

since 2001-07-14

Posts 52
Ontario, Canada

5 posted 2002-04-03 03:12 AM

A great piece, very intense! Thanks for sharing.

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