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Time Shreds (Cinquain)
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Time Shreds (Cinquain) |
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Yitzy Junior Member
since 2003-05-12
Posts 30 |
Time Shreds Blowing Herb through my lungs Mind swirls, colors swarm, time Shreds, feel hopeless as THC still Lingers |
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| © Copyright 2003 Yitzy - All Rights Reserved | |||
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I've read the three poems you have posted in this forum, and I think this is the strongest of the three. A few points: 'Blowing Herb through my lungs' I can't say I'm an expert on smoking, but I do believe that action is something more of an inhale? Tongue in cheek here, but little details like that can trip people up. Taken literally, it's hard to swallow... on the other hand, you could be using this word as a play on the term "being 'blowed.'" In the case of the former, it's a good idea to rethink your wording... but if the latter is true, maybe you should make it more obvious: 'I Blowed Herb through my lungs' Just a suggestion, maybe not the direction you want to take at all. 'Mind swirls, colors swarm, time Shreds, feel hopeless as THC still Lingers' I like the imagery and phrasing here. I would, however, suggest that you rethink starting each line with a capital... it can throw a reader off, especially when the line isn't the beginning of a new sentence. Hope I've helped. |
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Yitzy Junior Member
since 2003-05-12
Posts 30 |
I always thought that traditionally the first line of a poem starts with a capital. Anyway I reworked the poem based on admonishings from critics, my teacher mainly, she says that there should be more action to pronounce feeling. So here is the new version, all input is welcome. Time Shreds Smoke swirls, Teasing my mind With gracious highs. Waking To minor chords. Cut class, downcast Time shreds. |
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Yitzy Junior Member
since 2003-05-12
Posts 30 |
I modified it yet again witha commentary on the bottom, please tell me what you think Time Shreds Smoke swirls, Teases my mind, A waltzing friend. Waking To minor chords. Cut class, downcast Time shreds. double interpretation is possible with this line "a waltzing friend" 1) my friend is dancing in an escapist withdrawal 2) it is a metaphor for my mind which is waltzing to forget its sorrows (something done often in the 1930s) Also it is a friend because I would not feel fully connected to it in that state, I would not relate to my mind as my essence(it would take a cognizant state to be as one) my mind would go off on its own -- as a friend, a inanimate object with a mind of its own, so to speak. Yet at the same time it would effect me directly and that is emphasized in the strung out state of the day after, the price for waltzing all night. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Hi. 'Smoke swirls, Teasing my mind With gracious highs.' I really like the way this sounds, and I think grcious highs is an interesting idea... 'Smoke swirls, Teases my mind, A waltzing friend.' On the other hand, I like the ideas behind a waltzing friend, the different possibilities in interpretation. Waltzing is an interesting description of the mindset. 'Waking To minor chords.' I'm not sure here what you mean by waking to minor chords... on the radio? In your head? 'Cut class, downcast Time shreds.' Cut class, downcast is a little clumsy to say, and it isn't much of a segway into time shreds. I liked 'time Shreds, feel hopeless as THC still Lingers' much better. It almost seems that your idea has strayed from the initial image/title. That's not necessarily a bad thing... but as is, it seems a bit forced. I would try to either work the element of time in a little more thoroughly, or think about maybe shifting the emphasis a bit to events instead of time itself? That seems to be the direction your heading in. Hope I've helped. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Yitzy: You could also call this "Cannibis Cinquain" ... but that would be too obvious, wouldn't it?  quote: The confusion over "Blowing" could be easily remedied by inserting "Drawing" in its place. quote: While I thought the line break was well placed, I thought the imagery was a little flat. quote: Good ending. Like hush, I like what you are doing with some of your re-writes, but you've also taken away some of what I thought were strengths in the first version. I don't know how strict the cinquain's construction is, but rules are meant to be broken, right? Just look at the poem's subject matter! What I'd recommend is that you incorporate some of your changes into the original poem and simply write a longer poem. Call it a double cinquain or something.  Good offering. Thanks for the read. Jim [This message has been edited by jbouder (05-28-2003 06:11 PM).] |
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