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Ford
Junior Member

since 2003-05-11

Posts 12
Arkansaw

0 posted 2003-05-11 09:27 PM

We leave tonite...
With only time reverberating in the streets
       and dodging a tainted light
The wind's song echoes once, and then repeats,
       giving soul to the night.
The rain's descent consummates in rhythmic beats,
       falling from a daunting height...

The sable sky holds a starry gaze
Always towards the sun's waning rays,
Just as I look upon the pleading eyes
Of my girl, whose visage confirms silent replies.
Long ago, we'd feared the night this would end,
And I loved her then, but now I must confess
My heart is with her still, a boulder in the wind.
A greater distance fails to make love less,
And extending love only hurts that much more,
So I'll just turn and walk away, like every love before.
I smile and sigh and prepare to walk on by
Knowing that love sucks, and now knowing why.

...With only silence echoing through the air
      in tempestuous flight,
  The forgotten dusk offers but a lingering stare
      (He's so impolite)
  Towards the shooting star falling right there,
      And thus ending in climactic might.
                              ...We leave tonite

Ford
Junior Member

since 2003-05-11

Posts 12
Arkansaw

1 posted 2003-06-03 02:09 AM

Would someone mind taking a look at this please? I would really like some help with it, and I'm a big boy, so please nitpick and nitpick again. If you find anything wrong, please tell me.

Thanks

kaile

Member Ascendant

since 2000-02-06

Posts 5146
singapore

2 posted 2003-06-03 07:01 AM

from one big boy to another, welcome to passions!

I'm not too good with critiquing so what i can and would offer is a reader's reaction..hope you find it meaningful?

firstly, this poem reminded me of "The Highwayman" by Alfred Noyes...not sure exactly why but like Alfred Noyes, i think you have likewise employed the elements to great effect for this poem...

the only problem i have with this piece is that there are rather too many gerunds...some of them are rather pretty...such as

With only time reverberating in the streets
       and dodging a tainted light

and

The forgotten dusk offers but a lingering stare
      (He's so impolite)
~this i really like btw...it's vivid imagery for me and the "impolite" comment made me smile

but you also have "daunting", "pleading", "waning" and "extending", which in my opinion, weakens the impact/effect of this piece. i think these gerunds leave too much to the imagination to the reader and offer no information

for instance, how is the height daunting? why so? from which perspective is the height determined as such anyway? we take it from the author that the height is daunting but are left none the wiser as to his thought process...

other stuff

Of my girl, whose visage confirms silent replies
~I dig this line too.

My heart is with her still, a boulder in the wind
~perhaps it's just me but i found the boulder image quite jarring...i understand you meant to suggest that the heart is resilient and holds its own against the wind but i found its introduction to be abrupt and hence the linkage between heart and boulder to be ill-fitting...just my humble opinion though

A greater distance fails to make love less,
~I loved this line...it's simple and matter-of-fact but it sounds like philosophy in brevity....

lastly, is it possible if you spell "tonite" as "tonight"? i am of the new generation too but the soon-to-be teacher in me scoffs at such representations...

above all, welcome again...and i look forward to reading more of your stuff...

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

3 posted 2003-06-03 11:05 AM

Hi Ford,

and welcome to the forum. You have made an old story interesting and that is a good thing. I also was impressed with your rhyming. It is so subtle as to be almost unnoticed. That can be difficult to do.

Kaile has made some excellent suggesstions, not the least of which is the spelling of tonight. I found one other that seems much worse though, to me anyway. (I am not of the new generation). This is a serious write and I don't think street slang has any place in it. "Love sucks" absolutely has to go. Of course, love does not suck and could not if it wanted to. It is capable of causing pain and anguish but it cannot suck. People can suck but not in this context. Based on the quality of the rest of the piece, I am sure you can find proper wording.

Thanks,

Pete

Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr

Stephanos

Member Elite

since 2000-07-31

Posts 3618
Statesboro, GA, USA

4 posted 2003-06-03 12:19 PM

Ford,

I have to agree with "not a poet" about the "sucks" thing.

Colloquial slang does not fit the formal feel of the rest of the poem. Mixing these two elements is a strange brew!

So decipher this...

I don't love "love sucks" , but "love sucks" sucks!

lol

Stephen.

raevynsbreath
Member

since 2003-06-06

Posts 64
Mi, USA

5 posted 2003-06-07 01:04 AM

i have just a small comment. be more consistent with your rhyming style. i noticed that in the second large stanza, the rhyming was thrown a bit, even if just for two or three lines.

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