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Critical Analysis #2
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My first poem ( early stages )
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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My first poem ( early stages ) |
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BeKind New Member
since 2003-05-02
Posts 3 |
Please be very kind as this is my first poem I have put together, its not finished yet. I don't know the workings and kinds of poetry so I put what sounded well written IMO - NOTE EDITED VERSION ( SHORTER ) ------------------------------------------------------------------ Day Break by Steven Hartwright ------------------------------------------------------------------ I take a deep breath and think to myself As the early morning sun shine’s on my curtains Unsure what the day will bring maybe from rags to wealth But there is one thing I know for certain I will have the sun always behind my shoulder I do nothing but think of the days events what have past Stirring thoughts rolling around my mind What mistakes I have made and was I moving to fast In the past relationships that have come to the grind I have to move on like the river that passes by So much hurt and suffering I have seen and go So many tears have dropped onto my shoulder Love always seems to end like this and not grow I think the world is getting darker and colder Wishing those tears into tears of laughter and love. As the sun rises and activity starts outside Thoughts wonder from love to friendship and family Always there for you by your side Even at times you can speak to them very angrily People don’t see how important they are Friendship can arrive in strange ways and places When it arrives we must clasp it close to our heart A main reason for living not just one of those many faces Many friendships fade and once friends drift apart Memories are getting misty as time passes by. My mind takes the final stop on its journey at death. A path we all have to cross and not looking forward for Many deaths have come my way and I hate it no less Deep sadness grows as people I once loved are no more Then I realize it’s time to arise and go through yet another day. [This message has been edited by BeKind (05-02-2003 01:02 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 BeKind - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hello, is it Steven? Welome to CA (Critical Analysis) and check your email for a special welcoming message. It's always great to hear a new voice. Be sure to check the guidelines for the forum and enjoy your stay here. I usually don't say much about a first post but since this is your first poem too then maybe I'll offer a couple of thoughts. First, it does show potentail but it still needs a lot of work. The man problem I see is way too wordy. I now it is an old cliche but the best way to say it is poetry should show and not tell. By using more imagery and stronger words, I think you could reduce the total number of words neraly by half. Try that first then we can look at further improvements. The second suggestion is to read poetry, lots of it. That is the best place to learn. You can find pretty good stuff here at PIP but most of us are beginners or only slightly advanced beyond that and as a beginner yourself, it may be a challenge to decide what to study. Your library or book store is probably a more reliable source. Finally, you can pick up a lot by getting really involved in some of the discussions in the forum, particularly. It's not the fastest moving forum around and the activity does seem to come and go a bit but, when active, there tends to be some really good advice offerred. Thanks, Pete |
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BeKind New Member
since 2003-05-02
Posts 3 |
Thank your for your advice. I agree with you that it is very wordy and that was going to be my next step with it. I thought if I write a lot then shrink it down it would be easier than expanding later. I have posted a edited version Im working on and its a lot shorter and I like it more already. I will show my face as often as I can and try to learn more. Thank you Steve [This message has been edited by BeKind (05-02-2003 12:57 PM).] |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Hey Steve - welcome  Having not seen the first version you posted, I'm not sure how much you have reduced the wordiness...in my opinion, having only read it as it is now, I honestly think you could chop more - a lot more. I can see you're trying to establish the path of a day, perhaps a life...that's a pretty big concept for a new writer. My advice to you is to stay small right now. Perhaps just focus on the path of a day in this particular piece. Use this poem as an experiment as it were - but no less meaningful to you than a poem that covers the scope of human journey. If you keep it small, you can focus on technique and sharpening your poetic skills. I can only reinforce what Pete has said - read. Read poetry. Librarians at bigger libraries are usually equipped with some knowledge...  K |
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