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Seth
Member

since 2003-04-13

Posts 74
Arizona

0 posted 2003-04-13 05:32 PM

I Am

Oh to be free
Of deaths dire limitaion
To make amends for all that is lacked
If we could just reach out and exceed our potential
We would sop this embrionic flesh like a rag
Trace a thin silver line back to infinity
Then quite simply
Begin moving
The limbs
Of God.

Kamala
Member

since 2003-04-17

Posts 59
CA, USA

1 posted 2003-04-18 02:16 PM

Seth,

Argh!  How frustrating... I was almost done with a critique of this when I lost the whole shagging thing.  Anyway -- the gist.  The "reach our potential" line didn't work for me.  It's actually the ONLY line that didn't work for me, to be honest.  It sounded too motivational speaker for my taste, especially when surrounded on both sides by lines that are so much richer and more interesting.  Also, to have that line, which is a litter flatter, at the very center of the poem doesn't do the rest of it justice, I think.

However, having said that, I love the half of the poem that follows.  Such a unique image coupled with a unique idea.  Such things are the *reason* I read poetry... to look at things and/or be exposed to them in ways that I would NEVER otherwise imagine.  Beautifully done.  I would only suggest the following alternative/possible revision.  And please understand that this is based entirely on my own aesthetic sense of rhythm & poetics.

"Then begin,
quite simply,
moving the limbs
of God."

After reading your poem several times, I kept wanting to read it the way I've written it above.  Just something to think about.  It's minor, but I think it emphasizes things that might work better for the overall poem.  For example, I think that to read "Then begin" as one line lends a certain weight to the idea of that beginning... and that weight happens when I want it to (the modifiers coming afterwards with quite simply).  This is as opposed to reading "Then quite simply" first -- which (as a phrase) isn't as powerful as "then begin," I think -- and having to wait for the "Begin."

Okay -- I'll stop at that.  But thank you for posting this piece.  It's very beautiful and thought provoking, and I appreciated it.

Seth
Member

since 2003-04-13

Posts 74
Arizona

2 posted 2003-04-18 06:17 PM

Thanks for the critique. I agree with you on the structure of the last phrase, not to mention the spelling of limitation. Not being from Cali, I havent heard too many motivational speakers

....And am having a hard time replacing "exceed our potential" though I can see where you might be coming from. Tough stuff....hmmmm.....the second guessing is torturous! *sigh*....see what you've done! If you come up with any grand scenarios of me saving this thing, please don't hesitate to share them.
Seth

Kamala
Member

since 2003-04-17

Posts 59
CA, USA

3 posted 2003-04-21 01:15 PM

Seth,

Well... I actually think you could do away with that line altogether and it would be fine. But if you want the *idea* of reaching potential then I can see how cutting it would be difficult. If that's the case, why not try something (in keeping with the structure of the previous line) like:

"To fully manifest ourselves"

or perhaps:

"If we could fully manifest ourselves"

or maybe (switching into first person here, which could work):

"To realize/actualize all of myself"

I'm just throwing things out there... it could be they all sound really *bad* to you, in which case -- sorry! Just trying to help.

Kamala

"At times, indeed, almost ridiculous--
Almost, at times, the Fool."

~~ T.S. Eliot

Seth
Member

since 2003-04-13

Posts 74
Arizona

4 posted 2003-04-21 09:22 PM

Well thee only problem with that is, I'm trying to exceed our potential, which would be a lot more than fully manifesting ourselves....hmmmmm....darn poems! I'm gonna start writing songs about princes dia...(grin)

Seth

Seth
Member

since 2003-04-13

Posts 74
Arizona

5 posted 2003-04-24 11:46 PM

Kamala! My dear, (may I call you "my dear"?)
I have struck inspiration!(at least I think)
I am working on something along the lines of "drowning all that is congenital" not in those exact terms but the idea of drowning or holding underwater our congenital faults, this also would lend credit to the "sop this embrionic flesh" line! Thanks, I could not have done it without the critisism! I shall post the final copy in a couple of days.
(maybe as a book submission)

Seth

ps Where are YOUR poems,I need something to sink MY teeth into?

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