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Critical Analysis #2
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passionate love please look over
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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passionate love please look over |
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princessmeryl New Member
since 2003-04-03
Posts 4 |
Passion In Innocence You kiss my neck and laid me down With this my heart you found. We looked into each other's eyes All our passion we could not disquise. I felt our love intertwine As your body became apart of mine. You took your time with your love so tender Beneath you, I left my heart surrender. All this was new, I had never before felt And with each motion, I could feel my body melt. As our bodies moved naturally in sync Our love grew as our passion began to brink. It grew until I felt the passion explode All our love had overflowed. We looked in each other's eyes All the passion we could not disquise. You kiss my neck and laid me down With this my heart you found. |
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KristieSue
since 2003-01-31
Posts 1460PA, US |
Passion In Innocence You kiss my neck and laid me down should be kissed (everything else is in past tense) With this my heart you found. We looked into each other's eyes All our passion we could not disquise. disguise (spelling error) I felt our love intertwine As your body became apart of mine. a part of mine (apart means separated) You took your time with your love so tender Beneath you, I left my heart surrender. All this was new, I had never before felt And with each motion, I could feel my body melt. As our bodies moved naturally in sync Our love grew as our passion began to brink. It grew until I felt the passion explode All our love had overflowed. We looked in each other's eyes All the passion we could not disquise. disguse (spelling error) You kiss my neck and laid me down With this my heart you found. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I like ;-) I don't really critique on anything but grammar and spelling...because poetry is from the heart. It's 2 a.m., hope didn't miss anything :-) Failure isn't failure if a lesson from it is learned ~ KS |
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jenn21e Junior Member
since 2003-02-11
Posts 10 |
"Beneath you, I left my heart surrender." What does "i left my heart surrender" mean? gramatically, it doesn't make too much sense, but perhaps i am missing something... also, i like several of the images you used in you poem, but felt the rhyme was forced at times. have you ever considered using internal rhyme, or even eye rhyme? that way, you still have some rhyming without the constraint, and at times forced feel, of traditional rhyme. just some thoughts...if they don't help you, feel free to discard them  |
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princessmeryl New Member
since 2003-04-03
Posts 4 |
grammer / my hasty typing errors- You kissed* my neck and laid me down I felt* my heart surrender Thank You |
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PassionandFun Member
since 2003-07-30
Posts 60 |
To just comment overall, I loved the imagery and emotion you give. You definately seem like a passionate woman at heart. |
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