Thoughts While Lifeguarding

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Vonnegut
New Member

since 2003-03-11

Posts 2

0 posted 2003-03-11 11:52 PM

Lifeguarding at the JCC
March 11, 2003 8:00 p.m.

Uncertainty splatters like mud over
A canvas of love, passion, and life.
It will never be enough, not nearly –
The ten-point Times New Roman I employ
To imprison moments, friends, the marrow.

Blonde hair and an accent sit across from
Me now.  Sooner will I attempt and fail
To pen her lips and gaze than I will dare
Throw mind aside and let the moment be.
She sees me watch her.  Don’t mind the writer.

If the creator of madness and love
Should descend and at last explain, will I
Witness?  Or will I be predisposed in
A room with keys and ink, again striving
For profundity?  Missed life.  Too busy.

The dark warm crevice between living and
Recording – Forward my mail to this place.
And, if you feel charitable, stop by.
I’ll show you what I’ve captured with ten-point,
And you can burn it, return to real life.

Nothing more suitable than that it should
Die aflame, for it was born that way and
Held temporarily on dead, flat tree.
Light your match to it, or just use your eyes.
I’ll be busy baptizing another.

Mistletoe Angel

Member Empyrean

since 2000-12-17

Posts 32816
Portland, Oregon

1 posted 2003-03-12 10:40 AM

(giggles in delight) Aha, that old CPR For A Kiss trick, hehehe, it's all been done before but I suppose it could just be crazy enough to work still! (big hugggssssss) I just love the contemplations you make here while staring at the pool of your existence, sweet friend, it makes me wonder what other lifeguards are thinking while standing oin the high chair high above the ground, this is a marvelous debut, I love it!!! Welcome to Passions, sweet Vonnegut, may you be inspired by all of us here as we will all be inspired by your lovely words! I can't wait to read more of your lovely words, sweet friend, we all love you so much, and you have my life-saver vote! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Vonnegut, thank you for sharing!

May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

"Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..."

Shakira

Mysteria

Member Laureate

since 2001-03-07

Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada

2 posted 2003-03-13 11:27 AM

Now I really enjoyed this one, and printed it out to keep - wish you luck and will look for more of your work.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.
Aretha Franklin

Enchantress
Member Empyrean

since 2001-08-14

Posts 35113
Canada eh.

3 posted 2003-03-13 12:19 PM

Much enjoyed...I look forward to seeing more of your work.
~Smiles & Hugs, Nancy~

~ Trace my body with your words..
And in doing so, you touch my heart. ~

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

4 posted 2003-03-14 10:44 PM

I think this is a little too obvious. Quit fussing about being a writer and write.

That said- it seems like you're toying with your namesake's style... problem is, Vonnegut oozes satire... this isn't really a funny poem. Vonnegut fusses over himself while making me laugh... in fact, I think he does it to make his audience laugh. While you do have the irony here, you don't have the humor.

In any case, your quality of writing is definitely good... there are some very solid lines and images. My suggestion is to maybe think about backing off of the writing references a little (and, er, maybe rethink your hyperbole in the last line there) and see if you can flesh this out a little more...

Hope I've helped, welcome to the forum, all that jazz...

WhiteRose
Member Elite

since 2002-07-23

Posts 3208
somebody's dungeon

5 posted 2003-03-15 01:06 PM

I look forward to reading more from you.

Alicethruglass
Member

since 2001-06-19

Posts 368

6 posted 2003-03-20 07:54 PM

I loved this...made me smile as I followed your thoughts

DawnG

Senior Member

since 2000-06-23

Posts 1494
United States

7 posted 2003-03-22 04:23 AM

I really enjoyed this poem.

Dawn

machiner
Member

since 2003-03-13

Posts 67
MA, US

8 posted 2003-03-22 12:49 PM

Well, I think you were asking if you were wasting your time.

Naah...and time is not wasting you, either.

But we are not stumps, ey...sometimes we move, and sometimes flow,
to the rythm of whatever it is that offers up and accent.

Thanks for your poem.
machiner

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