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Christopher

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-08-02

Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration

0 posted 2002-03-05 06:00 PM

Version Two:

the city slips away - too soon.
yet Adrienne,
   she’s still awake, staring into
the moon, a mirror holding in her
the sum of loathing and desire,
  fantasies and fallacies.
gripping sunbeams with her frown,
or weeping a black hole of denial;
it’s hard to decipher an impression
    when a summer wind melts chill
down the back of her strapless dress.
so palm to chin, mind to glass, and
confidence marked by a moldy cross,
    her aimless gaze
spins a whorl of discontent out
the faded, pink-trimmed window sill;
as if suicide of thought
  could be a cure for insomnia.
    and if she were blind
she’d be able to see herself true,
      instead of: in the night,
tiptoeing through the shelter
  of ragged angels and tired demons;
a portrait of her face reflected
in the dull sheen of a magazine cover.
or she could watch as her childhood
danced to a song she’s never quite heard,
    and doesn’t really like – one she’ll
play over and over and over,
because all the pretty people love it.
then, astride this cover of darkness
    she whispers clinically
of visions painting a campaign
of expectations over the spectral visage
     of another day of nothingness.
it’s just as well she forgot I was here.
--------------

Original:

the city slips away - too soon.
yet Adrienne,
   she’s still awake…
gripping sunbeams with her frown,
or weeping a black hole of denial.
it’s hard to decipher an impression
    when summer winds melt chills
down the back of her strapless dress.
so palm to chin, mind to glass,
    her aimless gaze
spins a whorl of discontent out
the faded, pink-trimmed window sill,
as if suicide of thought
  could be a cure for insomnia.
    and if she were blind
she’d be able to see herself
- in the night, tiptoeing through shelters
  of ragged angels and tired demons.
or she could watch as her childhood
danced to a song she’s never heard,
and doesn’t really like.
instead, astride this cover of darkness
she whispers only
of visions painting a campaign
of expectations over the spectral visage
     of another day of nothingness.
it’s just as well she forgot I was here.

[This message has been edited by Christopher (03-06-2002 07:06 PM).]

Kirk T Walker
Member

since 2000-01-13

Posts 357
Liberty, MO

1 posted 2002-03-06 12:07 PM

"as if suicide of thought
could be a cure for insomnia"
I really like that. The rest of the poem was nice, too, though I struggled a little to pin down meaning in some places--but ambiguity isn't necessarily a bad thing. I think that the tone and general dejected love theme is apparent enough that the cracks in between can be filled by the reader's own interpretations.

Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

2 posted 2002-03-06 02:09 PM

Hey C,

I too struggled a little for the meaning of it all. But the last line seemed to pull it all together for me. Of course, I did have the advantage (and influence) of Kirk's comments. Even if I got it all wrong, these are still interesting words. And I like the way you have strung them together. Good work.

Thanks,
Pete

Christopher

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-08-02

Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration

3 posted 2002-03-06 07:09 PM

Thank you Kirk, Pete. It's definitely hard sometimes to tell enough, but not too much - especially when you know "everything" about a piece and have to decide what you need to give to the reader.

So - modified, hopefully a little bit clarified.

Thanks,

C

God, does anyone go through this life just feeling okay most of the time?
And are they all on really good drugs?
And can I get a prescription...
~Meg-Meister

[This message has been edited by Christopher (03-06-2002 07:09 PM).]

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

4 posted 2002-03-08 12:03 PM

This is a very pretty poem. the name Adrienne works well in the wistful context. I did have a problem with one image:

'gripping sunbeams with her frown,'

I thought this poem was taking place at night?

The only interpretation I can get outside of the (odd) literal one is one of contrasting sexual natures (sunbeam/blackhole) but it might also be that the sunbeam line reminds me of an Allen Ginsberg poem which is primarily about sex...

Overall, I think this is one of those poems that only works for certain moods- this one is perfect for a reflective, take-your-time, melancholic kind of mood. Not something I'd normally enjoy too much, but I think the wording/imagery worked pretty well.

"Love is a piano
dropped from a four story window
and you were in the wrong place
at the wrong time." -Ani DiFranco

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

5 posted 2002-03-10 05:27 PM

I felt there were some excellent moments here:

the city slips away - too soon.

--great opening line, brings in the reader and sets the tone.

it’s hard to decipher an impression
    when a summer wind melts chill
down the back of her strapless dress.

--I hear a voice here and like the use of linebreaks -- I'd go back to chills though.

so palm to chin, mind to glass, and

--Nice description but I think I want more of the picture here.

of ragged angels and tired demons;

--see no reason for this.

a portrait of her face reflected
in the dull sheen of a magazine cover.

--Maybe give us the title of the magazine?

or she could watch as her childhood
danced to a song she’s never quite heard,
    and doesn’t really like – one she’ll
play over and over and over,
because all the pretty people love it.

--I like the way this plays out, again nice use of line breaks.

then, astride this cover of darkness
    she whispers clinically
of visions painting a campaign
of expectations over the spectral visage
     of another day of nothingness.
it’s just as well she forgot I was here

--Strong ending line but wonder if the lines before that could be made more concrete.

Overall, I enjoyed reading this.

Brad

Christopher

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-08-02

Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration

6 posted 2002-03-16 09:26 PM

thanks as always for your input brad. as to "chills..." i know. that was a ahrd one for me, and one i played back and forth many times.

as to the lines before the ending: by 'more concrete,' do you by some chance refer to them being difficult to read (placement) or that they're too vague...?

thanks again,

Chris

Christopher

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-08-02

Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration

7 posted 2002-03-16 09:29 PM

well that was weird - i replied to hush in there, and somehow must not have copied the whole thing over... go figure. computer guru here today.

hush - i wish i could say that was my intent, but it was a lot less than that - more a matter of attitude, showing the contrast between happy & sad; gripping sunbeams with her frown = her happiness is formulated by her unhappiness.

thank you for your input.

Chris

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

8 posted 2002-03-21 07:02 AM

I like version two better; my mind wanted to re-interpret some of your words, i.e., cynically for clinically...my eyes aren't focused yet so I had to re-read where you had placed periods because of no Uppercase. In fact I had to read it three times [bad child]. When I get my third cup of coffee, I'll come back for a little more...

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