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Critical Analysis #2
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Fates
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Fates |
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Sauteed In Sanity Junior Member
since 2003-01-25
Posts 12NC, USA |
—A little reference info— Clotho, Lachesis, and Atropos are the greek fates. They choose, measure, and cut the mortal thread (Clotho chooses, Lachesis measures, Atropos cuts). I would appreciate any and all criticism the esteemed members of this wondrous board would deign worthy to give to a rogue poet. (ok enough buttering up  )Fates Clotho, I ask why, Why did you waste Such fine thread On this one? Lachesis now I ask you. Why did you use The longer scale? Vain were your efforts. Atropos please answer this Why do you falter? Your job is nothing new Why hesitate on him? You three are fools You blindly follow your duties But on this one you pause I demand to know why For mirrors never lie. |
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| © Copyright 2003 Jonathon Temblador - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Gamree Junior Member
since 2003-01-29
Posts 10 |
Okay. I like. But I have to know: who is asking the questions? Maybe it doesn't matter, but is it the mortal? |
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Sauteed In Sanity Junior Member
since 2003-01-25
Posts 12NC, USA |
Thanks, and your question... Yes the mortal is asking the questions while looking in a mirror. He is commenting on himself in an attempt to understand fate's plan. But in his last statement he answers his own questions. |
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Gamree Junior Member
since 2003-01-29
Posts 10 |
Good, that's what I was hoping. It gives weight to the poem. Very nice. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
SIS: I'm a little confused how the last two lines answer the speaker's questions. How does the truthfulness of a mirror answer the questions the speaker asked of the Fates? What was the answer? I like the idea, but think it would be stronger if you wrote it in a way that makes the conversation with the Fates more natural. If you were really asking Atropos a question, how would you ask it? Also, I think the resolution in the final two lines needs to be clarified. It may just be me, but I just can't tell whether the speaker is satisfied with the answer he/she has found in the mirror or not. Lastly, I don't like the sound of "Vain were your efforts." I can't imagine saying it that way conversationally ... you may want to consider rewording it to "Your efforts were wasted" or "Your efforts were in vain." Just my opinion. Thanks for the read. Jim |
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Gamree Junior Member
since 2003-01-29
Posts 10 |
I liked the language personally. A poem doesn't have to have a conversational tone necessarily in my opinion. I thought the language fit well with the theme. |
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Sauteed In Sanity Junior Member
since 2003-01-25
Posts 12NC, USA |
Thank you jbouder and Gamree for your insights. One thing that troubled me from the beginning was the ending. The original poem ended with just the couplet. After mulling it over I added the triplet to set up the couplet. I set the answer before the question (I do not know why. I just liked the idea ).See the Fates are blind (in physical handicap or sense of duty it does not matter), therefore they would pay neither the mirror or the mortal any heed. Honestly I do not know if he is happy with the answer or not. The poem mirrors my monthly flip-flop of opinion. "Vain were your efforts" I agree the line is just not right. All of the other sentences are quite plain in grammatical structure, as well as smoother. ... Lachesis now I ask you. Why did you use The longer scale? Your efforts have failed. ... Thank you again for your comments |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Okay, I have this thing about archaic poetry- I don't like it. Your poem seems archaic and somehwat stilted both in language and in content. Okay... do you believe in the Greek fates? I don't. Mythology can be effectively incorporated into contemporary poetry, but this poem doesn't move me as a conversation with the ancient fates. Why not update your idea so that it does matter to me, or so that it holds some relevance to today's society? An idea that instantly pops into my head is using the number as an advantage- what other ideas come in threes? How about the Trinity- that draws a parallel between dead religion and living religion. How about Freud's id, ego, and superego? There's a link between ancient myt and the human psyche. The three branches of American government? The original Star Wars trilogy? There is so much you can do with this to make it relevant. I think the Freud example is particularly appropriate, because you are questioning the fates- in a mirror. This implies that the fates are inside of you... I think you're missing an opportunity to add some really interesting depth. Now, with language, I'd say that more important than this being conversational (I think that would really help, but different poeple have different preferences) the language needs to be more accessible. I mean, saying 'I ask you' in first person and then switcherooing it over to third seems unnecessarily confusing. What's the purpose of doing that? What was your intent? With this all said, I think you ahve an interesting premise, and I'm always impressed when people write about things which a good portion of the general public might not know a whole lot about. Hope I've helped. |
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Sauteed In Sanity Junior Member
since 2003-01-25
Posts 12NC, USA |
Sorry, but I haven't had much time for writing lately. And even less time for posting/commenting. No I don't believe in the Greek myths. I use them because it is a dead religion. The myths are nothing more than fairy tales, and likewise not many people are turned on to it. Freud has influence many of my poems. I do have a few writes on this same premise using the id, ego, and superego, but those writes have not been refined enough for posting at the moment. I do understand the problem with the language, but I can't decide which side I like better. I use plainer words/structures, but I also use more complex words/structures as well. This one I used words and phrases that you wouldn't say. The "conversation" can't happen, and only exists in the speaker's head. Because of this the dialogue is quite odd (in my own head I rarely speak in legibly coherent sentences.) Thank you for your comment, and again sorry for the absence. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
I like the wordcraft. However, I found it vaguesome in such way as makes me curious. Why does the speaker think Clotho wasted? Lachesis' efforts vain or failed? Atropos hesitates? Even though the "idea" like me here, it doesn't give any insight to what occasions these questions. Perhaps it just needs to give more of a background, a motive. Just a suggestion. I thought it was an interesting way of expression either way. Nicely done. Essorant [This message has been edited by Essorant (03-04-2003 02:25 PM).] |
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Poetic_angel Junior Member
since 2003-03-02
Posts 10 |
You know I really agree with hush but hey I'm not into that kind of writing...or maybe I am....ahhh just listen to their comments not this one  it was good though |
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