»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
Posted Forum 24...I'd welcome serious comment...thanks
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
Posted Forum 24...I'd welcome serious comment...thanks |
|
|
kayjay Member Elite
since 2002-06-24
Posts 2015Oregon |
Greasy Grass How the blood ran red in the land of dead on the plains called Greasy Grass As the sun burned down on hallowed ground and the lives that soon would pass Now the Powder and Tongue have their praises sung in the land of the buffalo As these rivers allowed the fiercely proud for to wander to and fro. Now they plotted and swore, the men of war, in that old Chicago town And this time around, as though it’s their ground, we will take these plainsmen down We’ll have Gibbon east on both foot and beast and old Crook from South can too And then from this river we will send a shiver of the fear of men in blue. As Phil Sheridan sent, so the army went in their search of warring Sioux Since we need the gold that the land does hold and thus we will get it too As the law does say that so they will stay on the lands we’ve set aside And the reservation will suit their nation and it’s there they will abide. Twas a night in June ‘neath a bright full moon where the soldiers camped and sang. While the horses nickered and some men snickered and the thought of battles rang. In the early morn would there come the horn of the bugle loud and clear But now first came thought of the ones they fought and the life they held so dear. They had come from Dakota to find the Lakotah, the Sioux, they called them then. It was up and saddled, their bones they rattled and rode, these cavalry men. They had crossed the miles with their grins and smiles and the man with the golden hair. Who had vowed to fight ‘gainst the Indians’ right to their homes with the buffalo there. Now the Northern Cheyenne, with both family and man, were there camped with Teton Sioux For the Sun Dance rite in the summer light for these peoples proud and true. Such a moment sublime in that place and time was the core of their belief They gathered around on their sacred ground; from the white man sought relief A meandering river does wind with a quiver under skies of dust and haze. While both horse and pony eye the ceremony the while they play and graze. The tribe’s at rest, they’re feeling blest by the dreams of Sitting Bull. Where the soldiers die with a scream or sigh, and comes a warring lull. Then came the yawn of a summer dawn on the banks of Rosebud Creek ”Let us up and ride” as a sergeant cried, “and so find this tribe we seek” And the men rolled out mid a curse and shout from their bedrolls sweaty damp For the scouts of Crow was who soon would know of the place where warriors camp With the creak of leather in sunny weather and the tune of “Garry Owen” How the troopers rode out with no fear or doubt for to risk their muscle and bone. Over two hundred long, so the column was strong as they snaked the mountain through. With a charge and roar on the valley floor, how the bullets and arrows flew. There’s a feeling of dread while the soldiers bled from the tribe of Crazy Horse And the leaders knew that they’d come to rue of the power of Indian force That would not be still in the valley and hill while they roamed both proud and free. Still we know the tale and strong men wail for the Seventh Cavalry. And we know of might, of the Indian fight in the place called “Greasy Grass” And we know today, and from all who say, as the battle came to pass. That for those who would roam with a tepee home that that life had lost its luster And the Little Bighorn would hold the scorn and the bones of General Custer. |
||
| © Copyright 2003 Ken Julkowski - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
This one deserves more time than I can give it right now. But I thoroughly enjoyed. It is a story well told. The rhyme scheme is particularly enjoyable, complex but never overpowering. The meter is excellent, just enough variation to keep it from being boring. Thanks for sharing, Pete |
||
|
Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Well, you are certainly hitting close to my heart with this one, Kayjay, because I, too, am a devotee of ballad writing. You obviously put a lot of work into this and chose a very difficult rhyme scheme which is to your credit.  The story is good and the words are good also. There are only two areas that need work. In this type of poem the beat you establish sets a tone in the reader's mind that must be followed. In many areas here you lose the beat by the syllable count or accents. For example: How the blood ran red in the land of dead ... As the sun burned down on hallowed ground ... When the mind reads the first, it reads: how the BLOOD ran RED in the LAND of the DEAD... as the SUN burned DOWN on HALLowed GROUND. In the first line you use 5 syllables (how the blood ran red) followed by six (in the land of the dead). That's great...sounds good. Then you follow it with 5 syllables (as the sun burned down) followed by four (on hallowed ground). When reading it, my mind was looking for six syllable in the second part, too, since that is what you had established by the first line, you see? I would have used something like... how the blood ran red in the land of the dead.... asthe sun burned down on the bare hallowed ground... That way the mind, and the poem, does not lose the tempo. Now they plotted and swore, the men of war... And this time around, as though it’s their ground... Here you have 6 syllables followed by 4 in the first line and 5 syllables followed by 5 in the second. This gives a very choppy presentation. If you want the poem to have the right tempo and roll off the tongue, you must follow the same rules for each rhyming line... The second area involves using superfluous words. As rhymers we sometimes fall into the trap of sticking in "filler" words for no other reason than to maintain the flow and tempo of the poem. Unfortunately they are abvious to the reader that that is what they are and they sound bad. For example: and so find this tribe we seek” the gold that the land does hold the fiercely proud for to wander to and fro Filler words should be avoided. They are the reason free versers hate rhymers!!!  As I said, hats off to you for an excellent undertaking of a piece of very difficult writing. It has great potential with a little tuning up. Take care...... [This message has been edited by Balladeer (01-17-2003 12:38 AM).] |
||
|
kayjay Member Elite
since 2002-06-24
Posts 2015Oregon |
Thanks to Not a Poet and Balladeer for your comments. I especially value Balladeer for a fine analysis and recommendation. KJ Through rubble and trouble and dark of night |
||
|
Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
Me? I'm just crazy about your writing... AND I am really trying to learn rhythm and rhyme. *But then...you already knew that* |
||
|
Klassy Lassy Member Elite
since 2005-06-28
Posts 2187Oregon |
I like rhyming poetry when it is well done, but I can't presume to critique this this ballad. I am not good at this particular form of poetry. Getting rhythm and words to flow easily and to appear effortless is much harder than it looks when reading the final product. I do agree with Balladeer, though that the extra words could be cut. It adds more power to the telling, even if the meter isn't perfect. ~ Klassy |
||
|
kayjay Member Elite
since 2002-06-24
Posts 2015Oregon |
Thank you, Klassy, for your read and comment. I've redone this a couple times working on tighter rhythm and few "forced" words for the sake of the rhyme. I think I'll put this nugget out and post the rewrite later this week. Thanks for the motivation! Ken Through rubble and trouble and dark of night |
||
|
Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Ken...I aplaud you for this which I cannot do. Great story and the rhythm and rhyme were perfect for my ear.  |
||
Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
Wow, I had missed this one the first time around, Ken. You really are a rhyming man. I like Mike's suggestions, to tighten up the syllables/rhyme pattern, and ditch any superfluous words. What an intriguing write! |
||
|
kayjay Member Elite
since 2002-06-24
Posts 2015Oregon |
Martie & Kacy, you're dear friends both thanks for signing my lines of froth It gives me pleasure to spin such tale With a little work, these lines I'll nail. Ken Through rubble and trouble and dark of night |
||
|
Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
and what shall ye nail them to, pray tell? hopefully naught that could send you to jail! I fear I cannot rhyme as well as you, so maybe it's something I should not do? yes, I am being silly now but 'tis better methinks than being angry, somehow |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
