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brian madden
Member Elite

since 2000-05-06

Posts 4374
ireland

0 posted 2003-01-07 04:20 PM

The dust clouds swirl
through the charred fields,
while dead jungle heat
fans the crackling flames
that dance hynoptised
by Kony’s dictation
drummed into the pounds
of my heart, as I thread
the chasms of tank tracks
and rifled victims.
One, an Ugandan solider, eyes
a spiral of smoke,
like a dove, in flight
from my barrel
below it he stumbles
in a hail of ash and funeral confetti.

An infant’s plea against
orphaning shells rings
in my ears, its cry
mirrors as I lurch
in the darkness
of a village that was once
my birth place, here in
a dark deeper than skin.
Now I pounce
A lion among the lamb,
upon the huts, inducting
newly orphaned children,
some my senior, howl
with mother’s blood
awash upon our flesh.

watched from the wings as the scenes were replayed we saw ourselves now as we never have seen" ian curtis

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

1 posted 2003-01-07 07:03 PM

That's really powerful Brian. I want to get back and say more later, after I have a chance to absob it better. Right now I don't see anything I could suggest to improve it. I bet you get more input from others stronger than I am at free verse.

Thanks,
Pete

Cpat Hair

Member Patricius

since 2001-06-05

Posts 11793

2 posted 2003-01-07 07:18 PM

just a few thoughts....
()= delete
[]= add

The dust clouds swirl
through (the) charred fields,
while dead jungle heat
fans (the) crackling flames
that dance[,] hynoptised[,]
by Kony’s dictation
drummed into the pounds
of my heart(,)as I thread
(the) chasms of tank tracks
and rifled victims.
One, an Ugandan solider, eyes
a spiral of smoke,
like a dove, in flight
from my barrel
[before](below it) he stumbles
in a hail of ash and funeral confetti.

An infant’s plea against
orphaning shells rings
in my ears, its cry
mirrors as I lurch
in the darkness
of a village that was once
my birth place(,)[.]
here[,] in
a dark deeper than skin.
Now I pounce
A lion among (the) lamb[s],
upon the huts, inducting
newly orphaned children,
some my senior,[who] howl
with mother’s blood
awash upon our flesh.

Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

3 posted 2003-01-08 05:38 AM

Inspiration running low Bri? Ah, I see a repost

Might come back with something useful - but you know where I'm at right now..

K

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

4 posted 2003-01-08 10:59 AM

I agree with Cpat's suggestions as far as improving the flow goes, especially in eliminating some of the 'the's'.

Just a few things I wanted to point out:

'chasms of tank tracks
and rifled victims.'

I really like this image- I mean, chasms? That really captures the immensity of the death in one word.

'that dance hynoptised'

hypnotized? The s I can deal with, I know we Americans sure are low-brow with our Z's all over the place (heh)... but you did mean hypnotized, right?

'One, an Ugandan solider, eyes
a spiral of smoke,
like a dove, in flight
from my barrel'

This image is a little confusing, because I had to reread it to figure out whether the soldier or the smoke was like a dove. Maybe the ambiguity was intentional? On rereading, I think that you meant the smoke is like a dove. You might be able to strengthen that by saying

'One, an Ugandan solider, eyes
a spiral of smoke,
which, like a dove, flies
from my barrel'

or something similar... just a suggestion, like I said, not sure if you meant for that to be open to interpretation or not.

'of a village that was once
my birth place,'

I thought this was really interesting. A villiage that was once someone's birthplace- I just thought the assertion that a place can be so permanently altered by violence that it's not even th sme place anymore was different. Something to think about.

'here in
a dark deeper than skin.'

Awesome image.

'inducting
newly orphaned children,
some my senior, howl
with mother’s blood
awash upon our flesh.'

Kind of a Wheel-of-Fortune before and after here- The speaker inducts the children howl- did you mean for it to run on like that? If not, I mean, it's easy to change, just use 'howling' or 'while they howl' or something like that instead. It's not that I don't like poetry structured this way, I just don't think it works in this poem.

I also think that if you are going to use 'howl' as an image, you should liken the speaker to an animal that howls as well- do any actually menacing African animals howl? (I think those calico-colored African dogs with big ears are just too cute to be scary, lol) Or just change it to the children roaring- I think it would show a better correlation between the seasoned soldier and the new soldiers.

Enjoyed the read. Hope I've helped.

brian madden
Member Elite

since 2000-05-06

Posts 4374
ireland

5 posted 2003-01-08 05:17 PM

Pete,
Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Cpat, thanks for the editorial input, much appreciated, it was one of the areas where i knew the poem was weak, it felt muddled. I will used most of the suggestions, maybe all of them.

K, i have plently of unfinished poems, which show no sign of being resolving. Not quite writer's block, more writer's blank. LOL

hush,
i was worried about the poem being too image driven, which is the poetry I tend to write, but I didn't want people thinking "oh cool images" I wanted them to feel the same sense of disgust and shock I felt when I saw the documentary that inspired this poem. I don't want to come across all condemning and preachy which is why I wrote this in first person. Ok ranting here now to suggestions and comments....

'that dance hynoptised' I am Irish (aka European) so no "z" and a "u" with "colour" "honour" etc. You said low brow not me, also hynoptised hynoptized same word, right? I'll stick with my "s'"

Yes the lines "'One, an Ugandan solider, eyes..." are very confusing, I wanted to use the phrase "like a dove in flight" when I read it aloud it made sense, that is the reason why I didn't include a word like "which" for me it upset the flow of the line.

'inducting
newly orphaned children,
some my senior, howl
with mother’s blood
awash upon our flesh.'

I kind of have this thing for cut and paste style writing. The line reads "
'inducting
newly orphaned children,
some my senior"

"some my senior howl"

It is kind of confusing probably breaking a few rules of poetry, Actually reading it aloud now it sounds better as "some my senior howling"

"do any actually menacing African animals howl?" Tiggers LOL

thinking about it "some my senior roaring" sounds better.

Thanks for your ideas, and the time taken with this.

watched from the wings as the scenes were replayed we saw ourselves now as we never have seen" ian curtis

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

6 posted 2003-01-09 11:54 AM

Tiggers? I don't remember the last time I thought Tigger was anything other than annoying- perhaps you meant tigers? Lol... but still, I think of all the big cats in more of a roaring context, and more North American animals as howling- wolves, coyotes...

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