Cadance of the Storm ..any good?

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GG
Member Elite

since 2002-12-03

Posts 3532
Lost in thought

0 posted 2003-01-05 10:06 AM

I posted this in a forum quite awhile ago right after I wrote it. But I wanted to know if this is actually any good, and how I can fix what looks bad. I read my poems too many times and can't decipher good from bad in them anymore..sometimes!

Blood and salty tears;
Mingling with the weather.
Trickling down your face;

A brilliant night; December.

You run faster and look back;
Running from the shadows there.
Black stone beneath your feet;

Gleaming, fresh, midnight air.

Can’t see the foot before you,
And the black envelops light.
The moon has left the darkness.

Bright stars eluded night.

The cadence of the storm,
Sings the rhythm of the patter.
Pounding through your thoughts;

Breaking, falling; shatter.

Faster yet, and running still.
Each muscle twinges; shout.
To move is to allow the pain;

Imploring minds, no need to doubt.

Slow down to a crawl now,
And let the shadow come.
Breathing in and out and gasping;

Now, where did you run from?

- And so it was that time stood still -
(blink, breathe, stand, fight)

brian madden
Member Elite

since 2000-05-06

Posts 4374
ireland

1 posted 2003-01-06 03:58 PM

“Cadance” is misspelled in the title it should be cadence.

The first line makes me think of idea of “rubbing salt in a wound,” not sure if this was your intent, if so I think it could be clarified a bit more,
Not sure of the word “mingling” personally I always associate that word with “mingling at a party.”
I think weather is too vague, if its storm use a word like “rain” “droplets” it sounds more direct than “weather”
I am not sure why you chose to put an individual line in between each stanza. If you are trying to create a fragmented feeling or to capture a sense of drama or energy or the “cadence of the storm” then use short sentences,

Eg. Run faster,
From the shadows
There black stone
(at) your feet”

I think the individual lines interrupt the flow of the poem, they could in all honesty be cut,
Except for “Bright stars eluded night.” which I really like, you could incorporate it into the main body of the poem.

“Imploring minds, no need to doubt.” Seems completely out of place in the poem, I like image of “imploring minds”
but it doesn’t fit the overall tone of the poem.

I feel if you edit the poem down, keep it spare, you will have a really effective piece. This is just a quick example

Blood and salted tears
Trickling through the rain
and down your face
as you run faster,
From the shadows
There black stone
at your feet”

Can not see the footfall
before you,
and dark enveloping light
the moon has left
the bright stars to elude
night and the cadence
of the storm, its rhythm
patters, pounding
your thoughts,
faster still, you run
muscles twinge
as you shout

slow down to a crawl
and let the shadows come.

Here I cut out the last two lines

“Breathing in and out and gasping;

Now, where did you run from?”

I feel that they weaken the poem, the two lines before are more powerful as an ending.

I made “shadow” plural to make the image more dramatic.

watched from the wings as the scenes were replayed we saw ourselves now as we never have seen" ian curtis

GG
Member Elite

since 2002-12-03

Posts 3532
Lost in thought

2 posted 2003-01-06 06:13 PM

Thank you very much! I like these suggestions. I'll work on the piece some more using the help you gave me.

And the title think, thats just a 'misspallation' from my own lack of energy probably.

I write for myself really, but what I do for others I'd always like to do better. And I'm 15, I've got a wayyys to go.

Thanks again.

Always, Alyssa

- And so it was that time stood still -
(blink, breathe, stand, fight)

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

3 posted 2003-01-06 07:11 PM

Well I'm always happy to encourage a 15 year old writer, especially one who can create something that doesn't just scream "juvenile." And at 15 you still have a lot of time left for learning. Keep at it.

Pete

GG
Member Elite

since 2002-12-03

Posts 3532
Lost in thought

4 posted 2003-01-07 06:55 AM

Thanks for the encouragement

I've only been writing a little while. And like to give myself more respect than to write what alot of teens do. Though some work of theirs is very respectable! I sure know I'm not great..
yea I've got a ways to go, I'll keep working at it

Thanks again
Always, Alyssa

- And so it was that time stood still -
(blink, breathe, stand, fight)

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

5 posted 2003-01-08 10:37 AM

Unlike Brian, I actually like the lines you inserted between stanzas. It took me a few stanzas to actually pick up on the rhyme there. I especially like the weather/December. However, as they g on, they seem to get a little lazier (light/night) and a little more out of place (shout/doubt). It seems to me that you started out with one or two good rhymes in mind, but then felt obligated to fulfill the rhyme scheme after that. I would either do as Brian suggested and cut out some of the unnecessary ones, or work on making the rhymes more pertinent to your subject.

In addition, I would ease of on the punctuation just a wee bit. It seems pretty unnneccessary in most places.

BTW- you wouldn't want to read what I wrote at fifteen. The memories make me grimace.

I have to agree with Pete- much more mature and skillful writing than most people at that age produce.

Hope I've helped.

GG
Member Elite

since 2002-12-03

Posts 3532
Lost in thought

6 posted 2003-01-08 01:40 PM

Thank you, you have helped. Your right I did start out with the rhymes and then at the end wanted to keep it up, my anxiety for seeing the finished poem made me not think of what I was doing!
And I guess I do go a bit crazy with punctuation ..I'll work on that.

Thanks Again.
Always, Alyssa

- And so it was that time stood still -
(blink, breathe, stand, fight)

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

7 posted 2003-01-09 01:16 PM

Yes, you have to always be on guard to not approach rhyming in a lazy mood. If you use it you must put a lot of effort into making it sound and feel natural. Otherwise you run great risk of writing the sort of stuff that makes readers cringe.

And Hush, I think you are being a bit modest but you make a good point. And there's nothing at all wrong with a little modesty

Pete

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