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Critical Analysis #2
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My last rewrite! no more heh
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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My last rewrite! no more heh |
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PoeTik JusTice Member
since 2003-01-05
Posts 186California, USA 
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*Midnight Promenade*(rewrite of midnight masquerade) We fell into the midst of an enduring night Now our hearts begin to take flight Our love starts to burn into an ember We must make this night something to remember So give me your hand and let us be lost among the sand on this midnight promenade as the moon begins to fade As you kiss me farewell My words come out of their shell "We mustn't let these embers turn to cinder It's time to let our hearts surrender." So give me your hand and again we're lost among the sand on this midnight promenade as the moon begins to fade As the dragonflies light your face I realize to give you up would be a disgrace Every moment seems captured in the waves Our love is something the ocean craves -------------------------------------------- I figure this is about the last time that I am going to rewrite this, because I think that is truly as good as it will get! Thanks everyone for your input! tell me what you think of it now..  XoXo Love Alwayz XoXo |
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| © Copyright 2003 Serena Marie Corbella - All Rights Reserved | |||
Ratleader
since 2003-01-23
Posts 7026Visiting Earth on a Guest Pass |
It won't be the last time you rewrite it. Not if you're destined to be a quality poet, that is. A quality poet will rewrite anything he's written, at any time, will judge his own writing critically every single time he reads or even thinks about it. I once saw a Robert Frost reading on television, and learned a permanent lesson as the old guy stopped in mid-sentence, said something like "Oh dear, this won't do," whipped out a pencil and rewrote a line right there in front of God and everybody else. A poem is never done. Never. ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸ ¸¸ºº> ~~~(¸¸ER¸¸ºº> |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
quote: Sadly, I can't remember who to credit the quote to. Pete |
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CHILI Member
since 2002-09-08
Posts 244 |
PoeTik JusTice, I sense from this piece that it was influenced by love. Keep on writing and remember, not all poetry need rhyme all the time. I am constantly doing rewrites. "rainbow" |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Chili - that's a profound observation. Serena...you NEED to rewrite this, because your rhyming is forced quite frankly. Another poet I must ask the question of - do you think everything needs to rhyme? Have you considered not rhyming? I recommend a rewrite that dumps the rhyme in an attempt to write something that sounds genuine and not rehearsed. Sorry if that sounds harsh - not meant to - just my honest opinion.  K |
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PoeTik JusTice Member
since 2003-01-05
Posts 186California, USA |
Thank you for the feedback! Well, I think I just wrote it as rhyming because some of it just naturally rhymed and I just didn't want it to be sporatic. As you can see I'm pretty new to this. I'm only 16 so I still have plenty to learn I guess! Thanx again for the input! XoXo Love Alwayz XoXo |
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jenn21e Junior Member
since 2003-02-11
Posts 10 |
I agree with the comments regarding the rhyme. While rhyme can be an effective device, in your poem, it sounds a bit forced. Play with the words a little--savor the different sounds you can create. If you really want rhyme, try slant. Remember, there are other types of rhyme than just the commonly used end rhyme. My main comment is regarding the phrasing you use-- much of it is cliche. Look back at your lines--if you have heard it said before, scratch it and look for a more original way to express your thought. This is your poem--embrace creative ways to show your feelings! All in all, a good beginning effort. With a bit of tweaking, the potential for a very good poem. Hope you enjoy your process! You're doing very well! ~jenn |
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