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Critical Analysis #2
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Chelsea drives
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Chelsea drives |
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punksmurf Junior Member
since 2002-01-01
Posts 37new hampshire, U.S. |
Chelsea drives her car as if it would take her somewhere more than it has because somewhere was always nowhere she drives away as if the long gone sun would give more answers than the moon if she could only chase it fast enough it would answer all her problems she left the fringes of her life unfinished broken tapestry hoping Juan would drive over all of her fears fix all that she runs from and hold her tight i would wipe them all away for her all of the memories sweaty nights the dust of her life swished away under the rug i hated that she never swept never could pick up that broom always talking, though you tried i know and i hated that i had to see both sides of everything i wanted to protect keep you both in a cocoon of Beauty i would have made for her her nightmares would no longer play behind her eyes you would both be safe but you bled each thinking it would solve the world or at least the microcosm in that enclosed bed the words and pictures dark red nights of lights bleeding streaking past the shell of her sanctuary we were all safe for once and Chelsea speeds away as if Juan could answer some things: -in the beginning, the somewhere was always nowhere does it break the flow? -is the long gone sun thing, is it too cliched? -did you get with the fringes of her life? -swished away? (too childish?) -the narrative changesa to 'you' were supposed to mean two people, is it too confusing? -is the repitition oaky? *thanks "the worst part/ was hitting the ground/ not the feeling/ so much as the sound" |
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| © Copyright 2002 Hilda MacKinnon - All Rights Reserved | |||
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merlynh Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 411deer park, wa |
I never like to see no replies. Every writer has value; so never give up. It's not the words; it's the person who changes, that makes a writer great. You have more of a start then you know. |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
I think this one may need a little trimming (getting rid of information that is already implied or that is redundant) and I would consider using capitilization and punctuation to help the reader read more smoothly. some things: -in the beginning, the somewhere was always nowhere does it break the flow? Yes, I think so, but it wouldn't so much if you changed the formatting a little. -is the long gone sun thing, is it too cliched? Yes -did you get with the fringes of her life? i think so -swished away? (too childish?) no -the narrative changesa to 'you' were supposed to mean two people, is it too confusing? it is sort of ambiguous -is the repitition oaky? I like repetition when used sparingly to add emphasis *thanks your welcome |
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punksmurf Junior Member
since 2002-01-01
Posts 37new hampshire, U.S. |
merlynh, come back when you have something to say about the actual writing |
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merlynh Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 411deer park, wa |
I've been writing for twenty years. My posts are rare! (You have more of a start then you know.) Means you have talent. You still need to learn to change your pose into meaningful structures. Kirk T Walker pointed out some very good examples. No all writers are ready to understand or except change in their writing at a young stage. |
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lizzy-luv Junior Member
since 2002-10-12
Posts 20new hampshire..oh, the hicks abound |
I really like this. It's very rich. The emotion played into it gives it a life beyond whether the reader understands or not. Without leaving the reader behine, it moves on and draws them deeper. It doesn't wait for the reader, but I'm not saying it's readr-hostile. It's not. It's very warm at the same time that it's sad and regretful. 'she left the fringes of her life unfinished broken tapestry hoping Juan would drive over all of her fears fix all that she runs from and hold her tight' I really liked this satnza. Well, section. There aren't really stanzas. Without being told. we are made aware that Juan is the car and this knowledge makes us understand the belief Chelsea has that if she makes him real (names him, personifies him), maybe he could actually save her. At the same time, the reader is painfully aware that Juan cannot save. It's sad. 'sweaty nights the dust of her life swished away under the rug i hated that she never swept never could pick up that broom always talking, though you tried i know and i hated that i had to see both sides' Maybe both sides could be elaborated upon. Both sides of what? THe Sweeping image is a nice subtle double image. Both literally and figuratively, it illustrates part of the cause of the sadness that permeates the poem. Both literally that she would not sweep, and that caoused maybe the arguments that you saw both sides of? Ane finguratively that she could not (for whatever unexplained and not terribly necessary reason) emotionally sweep her life clean the way she tried. That she could not, maybe see the solution lying at her feet? Anyway, i really liked this poem. The heart and the flow are all there. It was very bittersweet. 'everyone is broken by something they love and worship'(Fransesca Lia Block) |
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TJDoat Junior Member
since 2002-09-29
Posts 26 |
This is good(very good). Like everyone else, there are some things that I would change,if I wrote it. I didn't write it, so I won't recomend them(it stands on its own regardless). I will mention what you have already brought up, and are correct about..... "The somewhere/nowhere" line does break the flow, but only because you(I at least), expect it too to be worded better. The image is priceless............... Perhaps if you drop the "because" from that line and tried wording it differently. I am persoanlly seeing a somewhere that is nowhere near, but that's just me, and this is your child, you have given birth to it, and now must raise it as you see fit. -Jason |
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