Image To Hands..repost from Open #22

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

WhiteRose
Member Elite

since 2002-07-23

Posts 3208
somebody's dungeon

0 posted 2002-10-13 04:49 PM

There is a softness to this morn.
A quiet cushion of nothing surrounds.
Absent of noise in empty house,
save the slow whir of the fans overhead.
The purr of appliance from time to time,
nothing to disturb a train of thought
nor hinder the birth of idea.
The mind can now slip image to hands,
through delicate slender fingers,
to keyboard for placement of thought
upon page. I can create in still
life, vision that will stir imagination.
Reveal the dance of dust in beam
of light surreal through window.
The optic impossible of growth
of cactus, flourish of violet
and burst of fern in light
perceptible, yet uneventful
at any other time, save
for this quite moment of reveal.
The slide of mere dew of morn
collected on pane, such a slow
metered pace as to boggle the mind
as to what it really matters
in the scheme of all things.
But at this moment, a joy, a small
sense of artistic movement of drop.
In this silent time my eye will catch
upon soft sway of tree in slight breeze.
Ordinary pictures, unnoticed amid the din.
Disturbance of pattern, brought on
by the presense of another. This quiet
I savor. I let it feel me, as I feel
with mind and spirit it's cocoon
of pause around me. It leads the inner
vision to words. Which spill on page of white.

WhiteRose 10/06/02

Just was curious as to what everyone in here thought of this one.

[This message has been edited by WhiteRose (10-13-2002 04:50 PM).]

lizzy-luv
Junior Member

since 2002-10-12

Posts 20
new hampshire..oh, the hicks abound

1 posted 2002-10-13 05:29 PM

Hmmmmm, this might be a slight blow to that fragile ego.
But honestly, i couldn't really follow the movement of the poem. It's very verbose. Verbose can be good, but this doesn't let up and get lighter at any point. There's no space to absorb meanings. There's no break where it's easy to absorb so your mind can spend time sorting out the more difficult stuff. I dunno, I felt like i couldn't crack into the meat of the poem. It's sort of like the language creates a bit of a barriar to understanding.
Was this too harsh? I prolly could've been nicer.

'everyone is broken by something they love and worship'(Fransesca Lia Block)
*lizzy*

Robtm1965
Member

since 2002-08-20

Posts 263

2 posted 2002-10-13 05:45 PM

WR

I know what the previous reviewer means about no pause, but to be honest that doesn’t bother me too much.  In fact as the poem is about a flow of intangible thought to tangible ink on paper (or font on screen) it kind of “fits”.  What bothered me a lot more was the absence of definite articles and weird grammar.  The effect of this is to make the poem read like a diary in some places... eg:

“Went to mall, bought dress, ran for taxi; missed it, damn.  Called Deidre, daughter answered, Deidre out at kung fu class...etc etc”

Examples of weird grammar would be:

“The optic impossible of growth”

“for this quite moment of reveal”    Quiet?

Having said that, with the exception of the word “boggle” which you MUST eradicate you have established a nice tone.  As an early first draft the poem has good possibilities.

I’m sorry I can’t say more now, I’m out of time.  Maybe tomorrow if others haven’t helped before then.

Rob

I also meant to say that "morn" sounds a little archaic, I think "morning" would be better.

[This message has been edited by Robtm1965 (10-13-2002 05:52 PM).]

WhiteRose
Member Elite

since 2002-07-23

Posts 3208
somebody's dungeon

3 posted 2002-10-13 05:57 PM

lizzy-luv, not too harsh at all. I welcome all constructive criticism. I'm working on the language thing you are talking about. I have this odd way of communicating my thoughts to poetry. This weird language just comes out and really gets the best of me sometimes. Thank you for reading and giving me some feedback

"The first rule of poetry, write what you know."

WhiteRose
Member Elite

since 2002-07-23

Posts 3208
somebody's dungeon

4 posted 2002-10-13 06:00 PM

rob, thank you for the critique. I think you are basically talking about the "language" thing that lizzy was. And I am working on that.

I will give thought to getting rid of the word "boggle", though I really kind of like it. But, I'll consider it. Thank you again for reading and responding.

"The first rule of poetry, write what you know."

majnu

Senior Member

since 2002-10-13

Posts 1088
SF Bay Area

5 posted 2002-10-13 09:58 PM

hey rose, you already know what I think of this. just wanted to let you know i signed up here!

take it easy.

WhiteRose
Member Elite

since 2002-07-23

Posts 3208
somebody's dungeon

6 posted 2002-10-13 10:07 PM

I'm so glad you made it.

I knew somehow, that this would be the board you would gravitate to. Have fun dear friend. I'm sure you'll like it here. Roam around, I think the Dark Poetry board might be of interest to you too. Again, it's nice to see you here.

[This message has been edited by WhiteRose (10-13-2002 10:07 PM).]

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.