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Critical Analysis #2
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I think this one sounds less forced
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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I think this one sounds less forced |
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jeffwillett Member
since 2003-01-04
Posts 86Texas, US |
-Memories- The cool breeze. The summer air. It reminds me of when, You were there. The warm grass. The cold wood. We sat all night, I said all I could. The long nights. The late walks. It makes me think, Of those endless talks. So many things, Remind me of you, How everyday, Seemed brand new. To me, the rhyming seems less forced on this one, but tell me what you think please. |
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| © Copyright 2003 Jeff L Willett - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Believe it or not, Jeff - It's NOT rhyming that makes a poem sometimes sound forced. It's meter. If a poem rhymes without meter, it frequently sounds awkward in some spots. If it has BOTH rhyme and meter, though - it will flow nicely. Your rhyme is fine - as it has been in your other works. Meter is more of a challenge - That takes more practice. This poem has very short lines of verse - usually either iambic or trochaic dimeter... That means two consecutive feet or "short-LONG" or "LONG-short" syllables. When you have a consistent pattern in place - usually a small task of nipping and tucking a few words here and there - You'll see a big difference. Keep on writing, m'friend... and welcome to Passions...  |
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jeffwillett Member
since 2003-01-04
Posts 86Texas, US |
I've got alot to learn...maybe I should take some kinda class or something. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Jeff, see Nan for the Poetry Workshop, and you can also get into the English Workshop. Start looking around in there, and you are going to have more answers for your questions. You've stumbled onto a poetry site that HELPS others... |
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GG Member Elite
since 2002-12-03
Posts 3532Lost in thought |
This may just be my own opinion but I'll shoot for it anyway. I think this poem would be better if presented as The cool breeze. The summer air. It reminds me of when, You were there. The warm grass. The cold wood. We sat all night, I said all I could. and so on Since this poem shows a warm and peaceful atmoshphere the short lines make it seem somewhat choppy and make the reader stop at the end of the line instead of getting the full affect of your emotions. Thats what I think.. for whatever its worth. But then, there's sure alot on mine that could be changed  Welcome to the Blue Pages!!! - And so it was that time stood still - |
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jeffwillett Member
since 2003-01-04
Posts 86Texas, US |
Yeah, but i hate writting rhymes back to back, i'll give it a shot though |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Jeff, NaN gave you some good advice and also you need to keep the syllable count equal to maintain the integrity of the flow. I would write it like this: The cool breeze The summer air Reminds me of When you were there. The warm grass The chilly wood We sat as I Said all I could. The long nights The evening walks. My mind recalls Those endless talks. So many things Bring thoughts of you How every day Was made brand new. That will take care of the meter. I don't really understand the warm grass/cold wood part. If the air were cool enough to make the chairs cold I would think the grass would at least be cool. Also, your poem doesn't really say anything. One of the challenges of writing poetry is to say something in a unique way or leave the reader better off for having read your poem. Extend yourself...push yourself to come up with more striking ways to give your poetry more impact. I wish you the best  |
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jeffwillett Member
since 2003-01-04
Posts 86Texas, US |
thank you. the grass is warm because, when the outside temperature is cold, the earth warms up...but i don't really think that's make the grass warm...yeah, i'm gonna look into meter |
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