Please Tell Me What You Think Of These Two Poems

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jeffwillett
Member

since 2003-01-04

Posts 86
Texas, US

0 posted 2003-01-04 02:48 PM

Some of my friends tell my i'm pretty good at writing, i myself don't think it's any special or above average (if even that) please read these two and tell me what you think. This is the first time i've ever posted anything looking for a critical analysis.

-First Night Along-

Leave the lights on
I'm afraid you know
No, don't leave me
Please don't go

Crack the door will you
So that I can hear
Please don't leave me
Being alone I fear

Don't go too far
I can smell your hair
Don't leave with out me
I want to know you're there

Tuck me under
So I can feel your skin
Stay here with me
Please come back in

Kiss me once please
Before you're on your way
But come back to me
You don't have to stay

-Us All Along-

Chasing her through
The monkey bars
And sharing all
Of your toy cars

She was gross
You would pretend
But nap time
Together you'd spend

You would play
Her board games
You also liked
To call her names

Whe she said
She was hurt
You have her
Your favorite dessert

When she tripped
And she fell
You told her
You couldn't tell

You'd pass her
A little note
That you thought
You so cleverly wrote

That first call
Late at night
You were so
Full of fright

You would carry
All of her stuff
But you knew
That wasn't enough

You'd talk late
And all night long
She would swear
That nothing's wrong

When someone she
Was close to died
You say by her
While she cried

You'd drive around
Because you could
And tell her things
You never would

Now the day
Is finally here
Nothing left
For you to fear

You're down on
Just one knee
She's full of tears
Can barely see

She knows what
You will say
But she listens
Anyway

Now you see
Nothin's wrong
It was us
All along

Opeth
Senior Member

since 2001-12-13

Posts 1543
The Ravines

1 posted 2003-01-04 03:43 PM

These poems are not good at all. Why?

1. Forced rhyming.
2. Cliched ridden.
3. Grammatical errors.
4. Poorly written.

Good luck with your future writings.

jeffwillett
Member

since 2003-01-04

Posts 86
Texas, US

2 posted 2003-01-04 04:06 PM

can you give me ideas on how to work on these problems, these to poems weren't really fored i think, i wasn't writing becouse i had to, they are from feelings. but please give me an idea on some ways to correct these problems

arthur
Senior Member

since 2001-08-14

Posts 678
england

3 posted 2003-01-04 04:41 PM

hi jeff
I liked the first one
the second left me a little cold
could not quite connect with it
I cannot give you a precise answer but try this
I fyou are writing for yourself anything is ok
if for a reader then you have to ensure they can get into your mind easily
share your experiance
see your picture
I try and express a common human experiance in a precise but easily understood manner with the aim of having maximum impact
( this does not apply to story poems which are pictures )with the least number of words

once its written
leave it alone for a day or two and then come back to it and see what you can take out without reducing the quality of what you are aiming to put into the readers mind
Finally
couplets are all very well but in a long poem they get boring
Good luck
unless you are lucky no one is born a poet
You work hard to become one
Arthur

LADY_DEATH
Member

since 2002-11-29

Posts 105
Fl

4 posted 2003-01-04 04:52 PM

I liked the first poem.But i loved the second.How romantic!Great words for feelings of the heart!

Ron

Administrator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-05-19

Posts 8669
Michigan, US

5 posted 2003-01-04 04:58 PM

I wouldn't pay too much attention to Opeth if I were you, Jeff. Every community has a resident grouch, and I guess he thinks he's it. He often has valid points, but he's still learning how to communicate them.

Your poetry has a good sense of rhythm, and I'm guessing that's a natural ear at work rather than a real understanding of meter. If you do a search in the Discussion forums for "meter," you can learn a little more about what you're already doing better than many. Meter is very hard to teach. I suspect this is the strength that your friends have seen in your work.

The best advice I could offer you is to read the work of others. A lot. You'll find some very talented and accomplished poets here, and you'll learn more from reading what they write than you could possible learn from anything I tried to tell you about these two poems. If you want to write rhyming poetry, pay special attention to the length of a line as you're reading. How many syllables does each line have? Is it consistent? Which lines rhyme and which ones don't. You might also discover that poetry that doesn't try to rhyme can be equally satisfying, while relieving you of the stress of trying to learn everything all at once. Free verse, poetry that doesn't rhyme or worry about the length of a line, can be very powerful stuff, and we have some wonderful practitioners of it here.

Above all, have fun.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

6 posted 2003-01-04 06:10 PM

Hi Jeff,

Well, we usually try to be a little more helpful in critiquing. Some of Opeth's points have some validity and I will try to explain what I think he meant or at least what I would have meant had I said that.

1. Forced rhyming describes a poem or part of a poem where the rhyme seems to drive rather than the thought. Here is an example,

quote:
Whe she said
She was hurt
You have her
Your favorite dessert

which is one of the most noticeable but there are several others in both poems. When you write a rhyme, read it back and ask yourself whether you really would say something like that if it didn't have to rhyme. If the answer is no or even probably not, then it most likely is a forced rhyme. Also see item 3 below.

2. Cliches are words phrases or thoughts that have been overused to the oint that they no longer really say anything. I don't see that as a really big problem in either of these although the line

quote:
You were so
Full of fright

could offend some readers.

3. Grammatical errors? I saw a couple of mistakes, such as typing say instead of stay and without as two words. But these could well be just typos. The more serious error I see is word inversion, which ties right in with forced rhyme. You have some places where you reversed the word order from normally spoken and written English, presumably to make the line rhyme. For example,

quote:
But nap time
Together you'd spend

Again, read it and ask yourself whether you would actually say such a thing. I know uch classical poetry was written that way but they actually spoke that way in those days. If you want to occassionally write in that style then maintain it throughout the poem and do it properly.

4. Poorly written is a poor critique, something I think I might say if I didn't like a poem but had no idea why.

The style you have chosen really is rhyming couplets or at least that is how I suggest you write these. In that style each pair of lines rhymes without the intervening lines. I think your lines are too short and the poems would look better if reformatted thus.

Leave the lights on I'm afraid you know
No, don't leave me please don't go

Crack the door will you so that I can hear
Please don't leave me being alone I fear

etc, etc.
And yes it is difficult to write anything very long in this style. By reformatting though, it only looks half a long as before.

As Ron suggested, keep writing and do read a lot. You will improve if you want to.

Thanks,
Pete

BTW, welcome to the Critical analysis forum.

[This message has been edited by Not A Poet (01-04-2003 06:15 PM).]

jeffwillett
Member

since 2003-01-04

Posts 86
Texas, US

7 posted 2003-01-04 06:56 PM

Thank you all for your help.

That second one has given me some trouble, i've rewritten it a few times, but i'll keep trying.

As for the grammer, it's mostly typos, but i'm a terrible speller, and just plain bad with the english subject. But thanks again for your opinions, they'll really help me out when writing to an audience.

Magnus

Member Laureate

since 2001-10-10

Posts 14135
South Carolina, USA

8 posted 2003-01-04 08:35 PM

Jeff, if you have access to a spellchecker
in your software (that you create your poetry in)

Use it after you have written the words...
Spelling (properly) adds to a person's work
and will pay rewards in the long run...

Be careful of words that have more than one
meaning and sound alike...(there, their)
(here, hear)...etc...the spellchecker will
accept them as being OK...because when used
in the proper place...they are...

Welcome to Passions, and keep asking
questions...believe this...none of us have
all the answers....and those of us that do,
are wrong...

jeffwillett
Member

since 2003-01-04

Posts 86
Texas, US

9 posted 2003-01-04 09:38 PM

all my stuff's hand written but i'll type it into word or something then cut and paist next time...i realize my spelling problems, i stink at spelling and grammer.

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

10 posted 2003-01-05 07:42 AM

Jeff, as you begin your work on the foundations of your writing, it will carry your words to a higher plane. I think it will be worth it. I say that because you keep coming back to read and respond to the comments here, and I truly believe you want to learn. With that attitude, you cannot fail!

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