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Her Secret
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Her Secret |
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aaron woodside Member
since 2001-09-26
Posts 256 |
I'm planning on entering this poem into a contest soon and I'm hoping for some help on improving it, before I do. Anything you think would help is much appreciated. Her Secret- She sits alone, unheard red lightning in her eyes damp streaks of his love roll gently down her cheek. (I know it's not right) faint luminescence from the sky above illuminates the void within ragged and torn her soul revealed to all but he. (But he still loves me) her world is all blue and black the delicate features of her face marred by his unyielding love of her her eyes closed in pain, to the world without. (Is this what love is?) Opening her eyes she sees in the night the light of the stars; her forgotten dreams so close but forever out of reach. (I've given everything for him) His breathing quickens, the thunder of footfalls pound relentlessly in her ears the jewels of her soul stare to the heavens rimmed in the waters of silence. (I'll endure for my love) head bowed in defeat as he crashes into the room he takes his love out on her again her hand reaching, grasping for those stars. I don't post to the Critical forum often since I don't think I have the expertise to help anyone with their poems. I hope that this doesn't affect your help. Thnx in advance. ex animo, Aaron There are no great men, only men in great circumstances. [This message has been edited by aaron woodside (12-19-2002 04:21 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 aaron woodside - All Rights Reserved | |||
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brianm Junior Member
since 2002-11-22
Posts 16Colorado |
I really like it. I am sure there is someone here who will rip it to shreds, but I like it just as it is, raw and unflinching. |
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OtherSideOfTheMirror Member
since 2002-12-19
Posts 245 |
I'm not entirely great myself so don't take my words too seriously, but of course I have some critiquing just because you asked. First off, I love this line: "the jewels of her soul stare to the heavens rimmed in the waters of silence." That is a REALLY good line... the words really link together nicely and make it surreal... If you take this from a nice picture to something harsh as you have, the effect is really good. Good job on that, its my favorite part. Now as far as things to change... the parenthases remarks seem like they have really good potential, but I didn't understand quite what they were representing. I tried reading it through a few times with those as her thoughts and it seems well put but some signal that thats in fact what those are might be nice. Otherwise I think you have it well written. Punctuation is fine by me but I always try to reread my own stuff first, so you might try reading it aloud just to make sure you have it just how you want it (i didnt do this and I think its fine, its just something I do... just an idea...). Overall nice job and good luck with the contest! I'd enjoy if you argue your point back thought I don't mean to rip it up at all its fine the way it is... its GOOD the way it is... but whatever you come up with I will look in on this. -OtherSideOfTheMirror |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I think the parenthesed comments need to go. In a poem that seems to operate mainly with imagery, they are superfluous. I think you could branch out further with your imagery, perhaps using it to suggest more details? All I know by reading this is her husband/boyfriend beats her and she hides it even though it makes her sad. There's the summary, in one general sentence. You could maybe suggest why she hides it? Why he hits her? (I think 'he takes his love out on her' is far too general and cliche.) Sharpening you imagery can lend detail. For example, I'll use the most solid image you had: 'the jewels of her soul stare to the heavens rimmed in the waters of silence.' Instead of just generally saying 'jewels', you could say Ruby or Amethyst or Diamond or Cubic Zirconia or Quartz... using a specific gem would add more setting- i.e., color, if you use a birthstone, it might suggest what mnth this is taking place it, etc. It could also imply things about the situation, i.e. "A diamond is forever." Is that a well-known saying, or just an ad slogan? I guess that goes to show how much marketing affects us... heh heh. And instead of 'waters' of her silence... why not dams? Is her silence small or big? A pond or an ocean? You could call it the Chesapeake Bay of her silence to suggest a duality, a mixture of feelings, as (I believe) the bay is a mixture of fresh and salt water... (going on my fourth grade memories of those Misty of Chincoteague(Sp?) books, forgive me if I'm wrong...) But, you see what I mean? Specifics are everything. Hope I've helped. |
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aaron woodside Member
since 2001-09-26
Posts 256 |
I appreciate all the responses. I've made a revised version that is quite different from the original. I would like to hear which version you like better and why, as well as any other helpful comments. Thank you all so much so far, the help has been wonderful. Her Secret- She sits alone, unheard red lightning in her swollen eyes her hand brushes away her hair that claws at her tears of misery overflowing, she can’t hold back each droplet, slowly inching, full of years of pain and sorrow, each a sigh of letting go. Shining through the open window silvery luminescence lights her figure slumped against the kitchen wall, curling her legs up to her breast her face battered and broken shades of blue and black taint, the woman she used to be a woman of pride and dignity He did it to her again. his anger, his love treacherous but he says “I still love you” and she stays to believe that the stars in the endless void her ideals, goals, and dreams are close and not forgotten just forever out of reach The floorboards above creak melancholy as the sapphires of her soul stare to the heavens above rimmed in her oceans of silence. the thunder of footfalls upon the stairs pound relentlessly in her ears he shouts and she cringes in despair for she knows her love is near Her head bowed in defeat she accepts this as her penance for the wrongs of her past to him for making him feel worthless and for speaking to another man she doesn’t blame him for her faults but as the pain starts once again she can’t help but grasp for those stars. I took the comments out since you all suggested they were confusing. I really liked the idea about the specific jewels as well since she has greyish blue eyes, and the sapphire fits well. ex animo, Aaron Woodside There are no great men, only men in great circumstances. |
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OtherSideOfTheMirror Member
since 2002-12-19
Posts 245 |
I like it. Sometimes I thought it was a little much, but I think that's just me so go with what you have... As far as you're revisions, they're good but you could go slightly more in depth as to why he hits her... I know now that its because she talked to some other guy... and I supose that's enough. You lost that line I loved! I know the other critique said to change the "jewels" but I still think you should use the line!!! Anyway... I really liked this line: "and she stays to believe that the stars in the endless void her ideals, goals, and dreams are close and not forgotten just forever out of reach" That's mighty good right there! Nice worK! -othersideofthemirror |
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A. L. Becker Member
since 2002-09-06
Posts 167San Francisco, California |
It is amazing to see revision at work. the second version is so much better. metrically, i find the poem pleasing. by removing the parentheticals, which are like special effects, the reader focuses more on the poem rather than what the poet is trying to do. i agree with all your changes. at first i was skeptical about the suggestion to use a specific gem. but your choice of sapphire was brilliant! (pun intended) "Oh, do not ask, 'What is it?' |
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