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Painful Silence
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Painful Silence |
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Victor_K Junior Member
since 2002-02-02
Posts 12Selangor, Malaysia |
The silence pierces my ears Like hot water on ice cubes Like air around a newborn child It hurts, it irritates, it torments I utter, I scream, I wail But the silence remains like a muting veil Can you not hear me Has the silence deafened the ears of your heart The silence I can see Like fog on a mountain Like smoke from a fireplace It stings, it smells, it surrounds us I wave, I jump, I choke It envelops us like thick, black smoke Can you not see me as I see you Has the silence blinded your eyes The silence I can feel Like a freezing morning breeze Like the hot, dry desert air It numbs, it burns, it all crawls over the skin I touch, I caress, I hold you But you do not move, do not respond Can you not feel my presence, my warmth and comfort Have you lost all your senses The silence is painful It devastates my heart, my mind, my soul Please, I ask, I pray, I beg of you Wake up from your slumber Open your eyes, your ears, your heart For that moment I am willing to wait In alienation In painful silence >This is something I wrote last year, when I first began writing. Comments? Maybe certain stanzas should be left out. A little something from me... |
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| © Copyright 2002 Victor Koh - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Victor Just have a minute to welcome you to Critical Analysis. I'll try to get back to your poem shortly. Meanwhile I'm sure you will get other comments. Check your email. Pete |
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sunbunbun Junior Member
since 2002-02-07
Posts 21Durham, NC |
Hey Vic, Great to see your work on here! I like the feeling of this poem. The last couple stanzas lose me though. I'm going to read through it a few more times and see if I can come up with some suggestions. I'll be back in touch. D SBB |
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punksmurf Junior Member
since 2002-01-01
Posts 37new hampshire, U.S. |
i enjoyed the truthfulness of this poem, it is someone's only thoughts, as they are trying to reach throught to someone, to give them something real, it is all about fnding the right way to break the silence ~Me "the worst part/ was hitting the ground/ not the feeling/ so much as the sound" |
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epoet Member
since 2000-05-11
Posts 291grand rapid,MI, usa |
Victor first let me say welcome. I like the imagery you present in this piece. It feels so real and heartfelt. I only have two suggestions. I would separate the last stanza into two separate stanzas. Let the separation be after you asking them to be awakened from their slumber. Gives it a little more umph that way. Secondly switch the wording from "all crawls" to "crawls all". I think this would give it a little better imagery. P. J. Kotrch |
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Victor_K Junior Member
since 2002-02-02
Posts 12Selangor, Malaysia |
Oh, 'all crawls' was a typo, sorry. But the idea about splitting the last stanza is great. Thanks. |
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