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Critical Analysis #2
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just a few poems.....
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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just a few poems..... |
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nEfaRius New Member
since 2002-12-15
Posts 5sweden |
before i write down my poems, i just wanted to say, i would be very thankful, ig u guys would give me yar opinions on em...thanx... *** Am i screaming loud enough for you to hear am i good enough for you to even care would it kill you to treat me a little bit nice don't you know everything has its own price But you still don't listen you just dont give a i guess its my usual screwed up [] luck They say im wicked they say im a freak but they still dont get that it doesnt make me weak to hear all this about how i should act about how i should feel and emote don't they know for a fact i am what i am And im going to continue that way you can do what you want cause you dont have no say soon you will be forgotten no more space for you in my mind i have things to do got my own roads to find *** It's hard to see when my eyes are going blind it's hard to be like one of your kind You try to force your way through pressure i have this source you will not let me treasure I want to cry out why do you fight i want to shout Don't put out my light This sparkle of life burning inside of my soul your cutting apart with a knife i feel my body getting cold What makes you depress my beeing, my contrition i have to confess it was quite a vision You were the one in charge you made me accept things you had to barge you cut off my wings But i learned to walk now i am walking my way even if you try to talk i wont listen, for you i wont stay ....once again...i would be thankful for all critizm, bad as good...it dont matter to me...thanx [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (12-16-2002 09:58 AM).] |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
First thing will say is that poems don’t have to rhyme, writing poetry with good rhyming scheme is a hard thing to master. If it doesn’t work the poem suffers, which would be my first point about the poem, the rhyming does not work. Secondly I feel the cursing in unnecessary, this point has nothing to do with being anti bad language, Swear words can add a certain edge to a poem, they can work if used effectively, which I don’t feel they are here. Ok on to the poem itself, it could with some punctuation, a few full stops commas. Personally I feel if include these at the start then leave some of the later lines as they are, it would convey an increasing intensity of emotions. I see this poem as a monologue, I have no problem with its conversational tone, though some imagery or metaphors would help strength the over all impact of the poem. I have put the changes I have made in (  all of the following are only suggestions. Am [I] screaming loud enough for you [?] [A]m I good enough For you to even care [?] [W]ould it kill you to [be] a little bit nicer [?] [D}o you [not] know everything comes at a price? What I have done here is to make every line here a question, and with the last line changed it from “don’t you know” to “Do you not know” This creates internal rhyme between “do” and “you” and also makes the line sound more direct. But you still don't listen [Do you? Do you?] I think the lines “i guess its my usual screwed up [] luck” are bit too self pitying, especially as your first verse is so assertive and angry. That line seems to resolve the conflict, its like you are trying to get the person’s attention and then saying it’s my bad luck you don’t listen but then you continue to try and get the person’s attention. Too quick of a change in mood. Third verse, you introduce a third party, who are the “they”? and what is their connection with the “you” in the poem? If you changed it to “You say im wicked…” it would make more sense in the overall context of the poem, it would also help to give some more insight into your relationship with the person this poem is directed at. I like the next few lines, but I feel it would make sense if you wrote them in relation to the person this poem is directed at, write it so that it reads like the person this is directed at is trying to control what you say, how you feel. I think you need to elaborate more of the next part, assert that you sick of been treated that way and then assert your independence. I have read the next poem and the same thoughts about the rhyming, imagery and punctuation apply. If time permits and if you wish I come back and give a more in depth analysis. I used to make phantoms I could later chase images of all that could be desired then I got tired of counting all of these blessings"h.devoto magazine [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (12-16-2002 09:59 AM).] |
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nEfaRius New Member
since 2002-12-15
Posts 5sweden |
wassup brian? I just wanted to say, i appreciate honesty, so please go on, it will just help me get better. the thing is, i live in sweden, so my english sux...get it? and the thing with me and writing poetry is, i write it directly when i feel it, thats why it may be a little confusing, cause i dont really get the chanse to stop and think about what i am writing....but once again, thnax for being honest, and if you have the time, you can criticize all my work...i dont mind =) *keep it real*... |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
First I want to welcome you to Critical Analysis as a new member. But then there is a problenm with your poem. Not only is cursing of this nature unnecessary, it is not allowed. Please read the guidelines. As Brian said, profanity may sometimes be used effectively but it is not an easy thing to master. I'm sorry but I did not see this yesterday to let you know. As of today, it is too late for you to edit your poem wo I have done it for you by taking out the filtered words. This does disrupt your poem so I can remove it for you if you would prefer that. Email me if you want it removed. Once again, welcome to the forum. I'm sure you will enjoy it here as soon as you understand how it works. Thanks, Pete |
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nEfaRius New Member
since 2002-12-15
Posts 5sweden |
lol, i really dont care, you can remove it, edit it, do whatever you want to, i just dont get the point, its not that "horrible" its just words...but ya, im gonna respect the rules, so i wont post "profanity" any more... |
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