Missing Out - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Avis
Junior Member

since 2002-12-01

Posts 38
Raleigh, NC, USA

0 posted 2002-12-02 04:58 PM

The furthest distance of all
Is never measured by mile.
Instead, it's measured by the space
'Twixt me and her beautiful smile.

Her deep, mysterious eyes
Can't meet up with mine.
Are they full of lies?
No, I'm sure they're fine.

Whats there, I do not know.
What's there, I do not ask.
But God, Oh God, I sure do wonder
What's under that wonderful mask.

In dreams, I scream.
In dreams, I shout.
I'll help you get through it, I promise...
But now, I'm just missing out.

Written: 10/15/02
Dedication: To a friend who was hiding from truth.

Peace and Love,
~KEV~

"An eye for an eye only leads to more blindness."
~Margaret Atwood

andromeda
New Member

since 2002-12-02

Posts 5
paris, france

1 posted 2002-12-02 06:15 PM

Thanks for your critic on my poem. I read "changing tastes" and I think it was fab, but there has been said a lot on that poem already, so I'll comment on this.

your use of meter is interesting, it will be very expressive if you use it more as an emphasizing means.

"Whats there, I do not know.
What's there, I do not ask."

and the two most horrifying lines:

"In dreams, I scream.
In dreams, I shout."

are very even, consistent... whereas a break, or an inconsistency in meter would reflect the discomposure you are expressing in words.

although the reiteration does emphasize..

You're building up on a lot of tension in the last paragraph, which all come to relax in "But now I'm just missing out".
I'm not sure what that means, maybe it's just my poor command of English, but I expected something very momentous.

That's just what I think and I really have no idea, so maybe see what the others say, too.

I must say, I'm very impressed about your writing skills, considering how young you are. I wished I'd have half of your talent. Keep posting!

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

2 posted 2002-12-02 07:20 PM

'The furthest distance of all
Is never measured by mile.
Instead, it's measured by the space
'Twixt me and her beautiful smile.'

You're good with opening lines. I have to offer my personal disapproval of 'twixt- Honestly, I don't remember the last time I said 'betwixt.' I just don't think that type of wording works anymore. Otherwise, I like them alright- I find the image a little too gooey-melancholy. It reminds me of the tone of Blink 182's radio hits like Adam's Song or Staying Together for the Kids. I guess I wouldn't call it quite cliche- because it's not bad- but it just doesn't appeal to me.

'Her deep, mysterious eyes
Can't meet up with mine.
Are they full of lies?
No, I'm sure they're fine.'

I guess I feel the same way here. It's not like you're being really cliche, or even abstract here, but it's like it's somewhere between vague and specific. Why can't here eyes meet up with yours? I realize that the speaker of the poem doesn't really know that, but maybe some more insight... your questions/answer presents a conflict in the speaker's feelings, but I guess it just doesn't impact me in any particular way- it's kind of like- a really bad poem is kind of a puddle of words, and a good poem has shape and definition. This has a pretty good shape, but the definition is lacking. I see what you mean, but I think you could go further with it.

'Whats there, I do not know.
What's there, I do not ask.
But God, Oh God, I sure do wonder
What's under that wonderful mask.'

This could be condensed- it's that wordiness thing again:

'What's there, I do not know,
I do not ask.
But God, I sure wonder
What's under that wonderful mask."

I like the sound of the last line here- there's a great chemistry between 'under' and 'wonderful.' I do think that 'wonder' and 'wonderful' too close together is too repetitive.

'In dreams, I scream.
In dreams, I shout.
I'll help you get through it, I promise...
But now, I'm just missing out.'

Once again, it's pretty wordy.

I like the last two lines, but you'll hear this from mroe than just me- I'd drop the ellipses (dot-dot-dot). I prefer to use dashes to emphasize a pause between two connected ideas. Ellipses just kind of go nowhere, they put the reader out into space and leave us there. It's a little harder to bring yourself beck down to the next line when there are little dots leading you further into nothing- it's a very unsure punctuation.

Hope I've helped.

Avis
Junior Member

since 2002-12-01

Posts 38
Raleigh, NC, USA

3 posted 2002-12-02 08:06 PM

The ending was desired because I wanted the poem to be building up to nothing; to just kind of fizzle out, a dissapointment. A "there's nothing that I can do" attitude.

For some reason, the old-style vernacular impresses me and I just enjoy using it, espicially in a romantic themed work.

Some lines in this poem were put there solely to indicate internal conflict of the speaker.

Thanks for the comments. I continue to learn. Also, feel free to IM me. In fact, I encourage it. My SN for AIM is "Tempus Vivo". I would love to hear from any poets.

Peace and Love,
~KEV~

"An eye for an eye only leads to more blindness."
~Margaret Atwood

just dreaming
New Member

since 2002-12-03

Posts 8

4 posted 2002-12-03 10:14 AM

I think this is perfect as is, I wouldn't change a thing.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

5 posted 2002-12-04 01:34 PM

Kevin, I'd like to comment on a couple of points Hush made. I too sometimes ike to throw in older words, like 'twixt and 'twas and such. The problem is, when you do that it just looks like you are trying too hard to be poetic or you had to do it to fit the meter, something like a forced rhyme. I think the only way it works is if the whole poem is written in that style. Then it doesn't look or feel beginnerish (what a word). In this case, you use all modern language except for the one word. That doesn't work for most readers.

As for the elipses, well, I do that some too so I can't entirely agree with her. I know it is not grammatically correct and there are some readers who absolutely hate the things. But, what the hell, we are writing poetry (or trying to anyway) so sometimes when you want a pause onger than a period might dictate, use the little dots. But do it very sparingly.

quote:
The ending was desired because I wanted the poem to be building up to nothing; to just kind of fizzle out, a dissapointment. A "there's nothing that I can do" attitude.

I can't agree with this viewpoint. I don't think you really wanted the poem to just fizzle out. Instead you wanted to leave the impression that the speakers will fizzled out. I'm sure someone will prove me wrong (it happens all the time) but I don't believe a fizzle out poem can be successful. I think it needs a fairly strong ending if it is to have any lasting impact.

JMHO

Pete

Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.