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Critical Analysis #2
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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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TmrwsDrem New Member
since 2002-10-24
Posts 2Maryland, USA |
Ever wonder what it's like to die? What it's like to cry? What it's like to feel it fall apart inside And feel the world tear you down Wonder if you're for real Or just some clown Taking advantage of them and their pointless worth Wondering if you're worth everything you tell them you're worth Just take it like you should Unsure of what would Make this world worth living in Or what would help you begin To feel alive again Then they begin to swarm Afraid of what you warn You tell them the truth unsure of the reaction Of their unfailable interaction With your amazing little piece of life The thing that makes you feel the strife Of a million people trying to stay alive Because you can keep them from feeling the dive |
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| © Copyright 2002 Dustin Sier - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
In order to improve your poem, the first step is to get rid of the capitalization of the first letter of the first word of every new line. The second is to not use interrogative sentences. Why? First, because question marks bring the reader to a full strong stop. This interferes with the flow of the read as the reader ponders the question. Also, because poetry strives to show not ask. So, perhaps you can begin like so: "I always wondered how it would be like to die or what it is like to cry, or to fall apart inside as the world tears you down." See? Now you are showing how YOU feel. The reader will wonder why YOU feel this way. So you are accomplishing the same thing without causing a full stoppage because the reader questioning will be on a subtler level. Also, note that the lines flow smoothly and are not interrupted by question marks. There is much more that can be suggested. But I will leave that to others for now. Rob will give EXCELLENT advice and should be especially listened to. [This message has been edited by Radrook (10-26-2002 03:53 AM).] |
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