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Critical Analysis #2
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Persistent - revision
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Persistent - revision |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
The frisky wind whips up squalls plays sneaks peeks when she least expects it, slips beneath her skirt to watch her spin, pout pat the folds down tight, he likes to caper, take her in a rollicking rush brushing against her skin, hear her laughter fasterfasterfaster flushed from a sudden gust sighing with a shiver in defeat wiggles giggles now heated excited outof outof outof control the wind whorls making her come into the eye of the storm. Ok, 1st revision-- I put in a teeny-weeny bit of punctuation... couldn't resist and I started it with a capital letter- and I know Chris would like it all in small caps  but it has become a habit with me.. kinda hard to break away from-- I know there are still some areas that probably need to be fixed.[This message has been edited by caterina (10-20-2002 06:28 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Carol Jane Bleichert - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Crazy Eddie Member
since 2002-09-14
Posts 178 |
Caterina I preferred the original all it seemed to need was a little tweak here and there whereas the revision tended to read like a list with random line breaks. I might be absolutely wrong of course (and it wouldn’t be the first time) but my advice is to return to the original, there’s a good poem in there and it only needs teasing slightly to bring it out. For example a tweak could give you this: The wind, a rascal whipping squalls; Raising cane in games of sneaking up To slip beneath her skirt and watch her spin All pout and patting folds down tight. Or this: The wind, a rascal whips up squalls, Raises cane, to play the game Of sneaking unexpectedly To slip beneath her skirt and see her spin. Pout and pat the folds down tight. My examples aren’t very good but perhaps you get the idea. I’m sure you’re far better at tweaking than I am and can fashion a worthwhile poem from the original without the major surgery you seem to have employed in this revision. Either way thanks for the chance to read and reply. |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Aww Eddie, your breakin my heart. I am just terrible at revisions-- terrible, terrible.... did I say that word too many times? Perhaps I could go with 2 versions? I dunno, let's see what others might say and I'll make a decision based on their views along with yours. Oh my, woe is me. I hate revisions... bah, humbug!!caterina |
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Crazy Eddie Member
since 2002-09-14
Posts 178 |
Now I feel terrible for making you feel terrible and you shouldn’t, your poem seems to me to have real potential I just don’t think the route you’ve taken is the right one. I think you’ve got the right idea though – wait for someone to come along that really knows what he/she’s talking about, after all I did confess I’m wrong more often than right |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Ahh Eddie, of course you know what your're talking about and I take your crits very seriously you know. You write beautiful poetry and I am one of your fans. So, I would say that you definitely know what your talking about. Now I feel terrible because you feel terrible. caterina |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
This one I find much more erotic due to the stronger personification of the wind and a more detailed description of the damsel's reactions. But I like both versions. |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
LOVE it! Seriously - it gives much more emphasis to that "breathless/rush/gogogo" feeling that I feel is the epitome of this poem. "outof outof outof control" was an excellent addition! again, LOVE it. (well done cat, well done!) And - I actually like the initial cap, kind of like the mat you sit on just before pushing yourself onto the waterslide. Works well visually. The only thing I didn't like here was the line: "now heated excited." It reads stilted... my mind wants to say that excited should be excitement; say "heated excited" to yourself, then say "heated excitement" and see how grammatically incorrect the first sounds - you can thank Rob for starting me on the whole reading out loud thing ) Now - I know you don't mean "heated excitement" here. So, my suggestion would be to either add a comma between the two words, or break "excited" off and give it its own line (hey, excited is important, it deserves its own line, right?)Again, great revision Cat! C |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
I know I can't please everyone, so I read all the crits carefully and decided to go with what appealed to me as the author and as the author I wanted this poem to come across as alive, a 'caught up in the moment' feeling. It was important to have the proper format, line breaks and so on to get that across to the reader. As you can see it was revised on the suggestions of Chris, Sev and of course Pete-- frisky-- for myself I like where it is right now-- I feel as you do Chris... the 'breathless/rush/gogogo' feeling is brought out to the max and that is what I wanted but didn't really know how to achieve that. Thankyou. I did try it in 1st person Rad but it didn't feel right to me. I do thank you for the suggestion though and I am happy that you like this version too. With the 'heated excited' line.... well, I was never really happy with that myself and the word heated was a sore point with me-- so, I put my thinking cap on again... 'inviting, exciting' is a possibility at this moment and yes, perhaps give exciting its very own line. I am still pondering on this. Chris, how did I know you would like 'outof outof outof control?" Actually, that just popped in my head, and I think it was because of your suggestion for 'fasterfasterfaster' which I really, really liked. I felt this poem needed a similar line near the end to keep that rushing feeling and voila-- there you have it. I have also decided to put a space in between the letters of 'whorls' like so-- w h o r l s-- when read aloud it really sounds good. It draws it out bringing it to that finale, at least I think so. I can't say thankyou enough for all the input on this poem... and Sev, I hope you pop in and let me know if you like. Thankyou, thankyou. caterina [This message has been edited by caterina (10-24-2002 12:17 PM).] |
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