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Critical Analysis #2
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Steven: the Afflicted
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Steven: the Afflicted |
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ShadowRider Senior Member
since 2001-07-14
Posts 1038USA 
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Steven: the Afflicted he emerged from an acid fog of battle a dog-whistle whine forever in his ears fading in and out like shy suns on clouded days compensation was his allotment of luck He could see deep within eyes and even though he was deaf he could hear their meanings I without the vision of Steven knew who was the more afflicted of the two of us |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Good poem! Here are my suggestions: Steven: the Afflicted he emerged from an acid fog of battle a dog-whistle whine forever in his ears fading in and out like shy suns on clouded days [I had trouble with the "dog whistle" part at first until I realized that this is about a dog. LOL like shy suns on clouded days I had an immediate vision of an alien landscape. The modification: "....like a shy sun on a clouded day." avoids the other-worldy image conveyed by a world with multiple suns.] Thanks for sharing. [This message has been edited by Radrook (10-15-2002 11:17 PM).] |
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ShadowRider Senior Member
since 2001-07-14
Posts 1038USA |
Your feedback is proving invaluable, my friend. The one thing i cannot do well is see what others see when they read my poetry. That being said, the dog-whistle is a metaphor for a sound only 'he' can hear (meaning we cannot). I like the 2nd change alot. To be frank, the last two lines seem ungainly for some reason to me. If you have any suggestions for them, please chime in. Muchos gracias! Jeff |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
You are welcomed. Happy to be of some help. The dog-whistle is a metaphor for a sound only 'he' can hear (meaning we cannot). [If indeed the whistle is to be used to represent an indescribable sound only perceived by Steve, then describing it to the reader as a "fluctuating whine" works against this. The strength of the symbol as representing something beyond our reach will only work if its sound remains without description. If we describe it, then we destroy its intended effectiveness. I would replace the word "whine" to prevent this. The use of the less specific word "sound" leaves the symbol intact by leaving the exact nature of what Steve is hearing to the reader's imagination, as is always the case when a dog whistle is blown." ["....a dog-whistle "sound" forever in his ears."] [I also noticed the following and offer my advice for your evaluation.] "....see deep within eyes." [Please read it aloud several times and see for yourself. The close repetition of those double vowels is not pleasant. So to avoid the sound of "seedeep" I would use "gaze" "peer" "look" or "search". I suggest trying each while reading this part aloud so as to choose the most pleasing to the ear. I like "gaze" but of course you might prefer another--or even to keep "see deep".] Here is my feedback on those last two lines you mentioned: ["....knew who was the more afflicted of the two" []] [The reader knows who the two are so no meaning is lost. Also, the sentence becomes more compact and more efficient.] [This message has been edited by Radrook (10-17-2002 12:27 AM).] |
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