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Critical Analysis #2
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untitled (actually suggestions would be nice)
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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untitled (actually suggestions would be nice) |
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majnu
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088SF Bay Area |
Hello. I M new here, so be kind, but don't hold anything back. :-) I What does Diana know of the agony of her quarry? The Virgin does flay my heart as a huntress should. II Or when I, worshipper, groveler, lover, worship her. I should be blind, lest my eyes spy her ivory arms And her wrath transform me to hind that her hounds May exact her revenge. III But Orion, forever hunting the Zodiac; Will he remember her who enshrined him among stars? Of course! For her arrows are soft for him. |
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| © Copyright 2002 Zaheer Abbas Ali - All Rights Reserved | |||
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lizzy-luv Junior Member
since 2002-10-12
Posts 20new hampshire..oh, the hicks abound |
Honestly, I didn't like that too much. It was romantic, I'll give you that. But it feels like the things I had crammed down my throat in Freshman English. I hated that class. The point is lovely. Slightly mushy and unrealistic. I know it's about immortals, but there was no connection back down here to us mortals. To you, but not to us. The reader feels sad and left out. There's no real emotion. I dunno, you prolly hate me by now. But I just felt it was quite overly dry. Though very well fit together. 'everyone is broken by something they love and worship'(Fransesca Lia Block) |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Hi! Welcome to PIP. Here is my take on the poem: I found the stanza numbers distracting. I don't see how they add anything to the poem. So I would remove them. The introduction seems to promise us a description of why you feel this way. But no reasons are given-only quick transitions from one scenario to another which only serve to raise further questions about why the speaker is speaking this way. If you can provide reasons which satisfy reader interest aroused by your first sentences, then the poem will begin to be emotionally more meaningful. |
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majnu
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088SF Bay Area |
Thanks to both of you for commenting on this piece. Radrook, i understand what you say, but i think if one knows who Diana is then what I am saying is quite obvious. if i titled the piece "Of My Artemis" as a further hint, do you think the meaning would become clear. if you say to yourself "what the hell is this nut talking about" please let me know and I will explain more fully what I mean. |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Thanks to both of you for commenting on this piece. Remark: Radrook, [I] understand what you say, but [I] think if one know[s] who Diana is then what [I] am saying is quite obvious. Response: I know who Diana is. What you are saying is very obvious. I took mythology in college but knew who Diana was before that. Remark: If I titled the piece "Of My Artemis" as a further hint, do you think the meaning would become clear. Response. No hinting is necessary. Your intended meaning is clear. Remark: [I]f you say to yourself[,] "what the hell is this nut talking about[?]" please let me know and I will explain more fully what I mean. Response You should not consider a person a nut if you do not understand a person's poem. The decent thing to do in such a case is to do the needed research so that you can understand the poem. If you still don't understand the poem, then do not attempt to comment on it or offer advice. BTW Strange that you should accuse me of not understanding your poem while totally ignoring the other person who frankly and negatively commented on it. Is he a friend? [This message has been edited by Radrook (10-14-2002 11:12 PM).] |
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majnu
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088SF Bay Area |
no need to be so defensive radrook. i accused you of nothing. in regards to the other's comments i did not ignore her/him. i thanked her/him, but chose not to respond otherwise because the issues the critique raised were too abstract to deal with without changing the poem more than I wish to. now, i suppose i did not understand your points fully. the poem is aboout unrequited love, that much is obvious, is it not then also obvious that the "speaker" is comparing the object of his desire to artemis? i do agree about the stanza numbers. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I found the wording of this very awkward. I'm not one for archaic or difficult syntax. I think the first two lines are okay, and I even thnk the syntax works in the second line, but after that, the second stanza gets increasingly convoluted and annoying to follow. I like the last stanza okay- the last line is pretty good. If you could kind of put the middle section in more linear temrs, I'd probably enjoy this a lot more. Hope I've helped. |
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majnu
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088SF Bay Area |
hush, not don't be quiet i mean you, hush, no no, say something damnit! -------------------------------------------- anyway sorry for that, i couldn't help it. does it help if i changed the second stanza to read like this: Or when I, worshipper, groveler, lover, Worship her, I should be blind, lest my eyes spy her ivory arms and her Wrath transform me to a hind; that her hounds may exact Her revenge. --------- i think the extra puncuation and change in line breaks makes how I want it read more obvious and makes it flow better. What do you think? |
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Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
Majnu There is a passage in Steve Kowit’s “ In the Palm of Your Hand: The Poet's Portable Workshop” (a book which I thoroughly recommend to you) which reads: “The Misuse of Allusions and Mythology: Inexperienced poets love exotic words and the Greek gods, imagining that such decorative elements add poetic luster to their writing. If you have nothing that genuinely requires the presence of Minerva or Hermes, do not drag them into your poems. Let those poor old retired gods rest in peace.” Rob |
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