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Critical Analysis #2
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Self Titled King
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Self Titled King |
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impact Junior Member
since 2009-03-07
Posts 27 |
Only sin can bring you here Take a look at your empire of gold Try to yell at your reflection Try to cry towards your reflection You're seeing the cause and the effect Once you've placed yourself on a pedestal You'll be the only one to fall from the top People are willing to catch you, help you Now you are at their disposal Remember how you disposed them? Remember how you made your mother cry Remember how you left your friends alone Remember how you laughed as your father tried Remember your deception that is still unknown A self titled king How dare you place yourself If you're claiming to be of an accepting breed Once again pride has poisoned you Now you're crying for help For this you shall burn, you shall bleed |
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turtle Senior Member
since 2009-01-23
Posts 548Harbor |
Hi impact, Welcome to CA. I thought this was a powerful poem when I read it, but also troubled. There are a couple things here that confuse me. In S1L2, this "empire of gold". Do you mean "gold' literally or metaphorically? In S1 L3&L4 it looks like you are repeating the same thought and I don't think that is what you intend here. Do you mean: "Try to yell at your reflection The cry that echos your reflection" I think S2L4 would be clearer (At least to me) if you changed it to something like: "Remember you disposed of them?" This would also fix the meter for this line. Speaking of meter, are you aware of, or do you understand meter? S3, is an anaphora and you use it well here, but it sets a precedence in meter in the poem that is not present in the other stanzas. There are also only 4 lines in this stanza while the rest are 5-6 lines. The only other thing that may need attention, I see in this stanza is S3L3, "as" should be "when". "Remember" is asking the reader to look at what happen in the past, so "when" would be past tense and "as" is present tense. S4 L1&L2 is (To me) a little confused. I think the thought is inverted and this makes the sentence appear as an incomplete thought: "A self titled king How dare you place yourself" Would it make more sense to say? "How dare you place yourself As master and self titled king" S4L3 could be trimmed down a bit to closer match the rhythm of the rest of the poem like: "If you claim to be an accepting breed" (meter is off though) In S4 L5&L6 I'm not sure you mean what this says? "Now you're crying for help For this you shall burn, you shall bleed" To me, this says you shall burn and bleed for asking for help. Is that what you mean? Or, do you mean You will burn and bleed for the "pride" you mention in S4L4? To clear this up you might say: "Though now you cry for help, Once again pride has poisoned you. For this you shall burn, you shall bleed." Hey impact - These are just intended as suggestions to merely bring your attention to where this poem might be improved. If there's anything here that you feel helps....You're welcome to it. turtle  |
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impact Junior Member
since 2009-03-07
Posts 27 |
Thank you for all the suggestions turtle! I'm definitely going to play around with them once I have the time to just sit and edit. I don't really know about meter, I think I will read about it in the workshop area =^..^+ |
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eminor_angel Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323Canada |
This is a rather general comment, but this poem really seems like a rant. It's important to write poems with personal meaning, but they also have to draw the reader in. However, I really like your first line, and your grammar is excellent! (Something that's often lacking, even in this forum.) Hope to see more of your work. |
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