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Insanity.
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Insanity. |
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senseless New Member
since 2009-03-05
Posts 3 |
Hey guys, this poem has received mixed messages all across the net. One site loves it, while another site thought it was so horrible they said that its moderators told me that it couldn't even be considered poetry and deleted it. I'd like to know what you think. I think that it's a good poem in it's own style. Mind crushed by two me's, Inside been stung by two bees, And I can't feel, And I can't steal, Back what is MINE, And I feel like this is the last time, That I'll feel this way, Then, whoops, it's back the next day, And I can't feel, And I can't steal, Back what I hold dear, Only thing left to feel is fear, And the last thing to fear is feel, Mind works like a third wheel, There but useless, Just a nuisance, I didn't think I was mad, Thought I was just sad, This thing took everything I had, Blabla, scoobidity derf, Skropple tindle the turf, Bloobity blah, like I'm looking through a straw, I wish you'd leave my brain, Wish I could dump this pain, Wish I could see the through the rain, And I can't feel, And I can't steal, Back what I used to own, Can't learn to cope, There's no hope, Left for me, This is just how it's gonna be, Hahaha, SHERBET haha tuesday, Any help is probably a waste, All I give my self is hate, About to deteriorate, Sink into my own self, Stop wondering about my health, And just be a being with the bee me and me, And wallow in my own insanity. |
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turtle Senior Member
since 2009-01-23
Posts 548Harbor |
Hi senseless, First let me say that you are likely to get a wide range of responses to any poem. Well let me see, do you just want to know if this is good/bad, or do you want to know what is wrong? This poem says you are very in experienced. There are a few passages here that might be called poetic: Quote: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Only thing left to feel is fear, And the last thing to fear is feel, Wish I could dump this pain, Wish I could see the through the rain, Sink into my own self, Stop wondering about my health, ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Personally I wouldn't say "This is a poem" (Others will) You may write good poetry some day, if you want to learn, but right now....... A few problems I have with this read are poor context, no consistency, simple and inconsistent rhyme, no meter, no form, poor grammar. I did see metaphor and enjambment, but that may be by accident. If you want to write poetry there are tons of resources on the net. There is a young person here at PIP that I'm trying to help. If you want to read that thread and check out the limks, it might help. /pip/Forum28/HTML/002449.html turtle  |
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turtle Senior Member
since 2009-01-23
Posts 548Harbor |
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SEA 
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
it reads more like a rap than a poem but I think it's just the style. Almost like spoken word. the best advice I ever got was to not rhyme.. this seems very raw to me and could be tightened up and your thoughts refined. This place, these poets, have taught me so much and I've enjoyed all of it |
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senseless New Member
since 2009-03-05
Posts 3 |
Thanks for the advice. Turtle: It's a poem about insanity, I didn't really write it with a point. In fact, the point was the disorganization. By the way, you spelled "grammar" wrong. |
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senseless New Member
since 2009-03-05
Posts 3 |
To the other person, whom I also thank for the response. The best advice was to not rhyme? That seems odd, please explain more. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Hi Senseless, I think it’s a poem for several reason , the biggest is because you said it was and then what else could it be It is obvious to me, that you don‘t do a lot of writing. One of the first things I saw ,was you didn’t put a space between your preamble and the poem. I wasn’t sure where the first line of the poem started ( See you even have me calling it a poem ) My advice is, until you get to be a better poet write about what you know, I don’t believe you are insane.. When you get all the wrinkles out , then you can write about “A midnight dreary” or “A Himalayan peasant” The good news is, on here your poem would make the cut Btw, before someone calls the law, my comments about it being a poem was in regards to what that moderator said . |
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