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Carnivalesque Arabesque
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Carnivalesque Arabesque |
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Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
In verboten Srebrenica schnauzers noshed on rotten pizza, In schlock shops the zaftig yenta found refuge to kvetch and schmooze; Ragamuffins, dykes, and golems argued over works of Sholem And the case of Irene Bolam, keeping warm with swigs of booze; Gonifs, schnorrers clad in schmatte schlepped the steppes and yelled abuse: It was there he found his muse. In the grotto, gargoyles, gorgons, offered him use of their organs As they spat tobacco juice and slurred some songs of Mother Goose; Schmaltzy Carrie, gaunt and hairy, belched and reeked of bloody mary, Munching on a dingleberry blurting she would not refuse For a sum of sixty kuna gory use, abuse, misuse; On her face she begged he ooze. Mavens fat as big beluga, kvelling of all that’s meshuga, Boasted she had labia that hanged down like St-Bernard flews That would give him haimish pleasure, schadenfreude at his leisure, Like an oyster she held treasure, pure as pearls from Belarus; Machers filled with chutzpah nudged the nebbish, the mensh to seduce And ensnare him in her noose. They hung portraits of Umberto, borborygmi in concerto, Smorgasbord of kosher schmutz, a feast of pancreatic juice, On the stage they danced burlesquely in the hall they groped grotesquely, And all went so Disneyesquely, poltergeists were on the loose: And thus ends the sore megillah of his life as a recluse: Married in kaput caboose. |
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turtle Senior Member
since 2009-01-23
Posts 548Harbor |
Hi Mark, lol....Mark you've got a great imagination and what I could understand in this poem I liked. I think, if you were to put this in the form of a letter and fixed the clarity it could be better: "In (silence) Srebrenica schnauzers noshed on rotten pizza, In schlock shops the zaftig yenta found refuge to kvetch and schmooze; (The) Ragamuffins, dykes, and golems (argue) (the) works of Sholem And the case of Irene Bolam, keeping warm with swigs of booze; Gonifs schnorrers, clad in schmatte, schlepped the steppes and yelled abuse (and this is where) he found his muse.," "verboten" is an adjective, meaning excluded from use or mention To use the word correctly You could say "The verboten Srebrenica", but by going on to mention the "Srebrenica schnauzers", that "verboten" says is unmentioned, sort of confuses the meaning for me. "keeping warm with swigs of booze" I think this may be a dangler. What the poem says is that "Irene Bolam (is), keeping warm with swigs of booze" But I think you mean: "(Ragamuffins, dykes, and golems)" [are] "(keeping warm with swigs of booze)" One way to say this correctly woud be: "While keeping warm with swigs of booze ragamuffins, dykes, and golems (argue)" "clad in schmatte," This should be a parenthetical set  |
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Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
Turtle, thanks for the thorough feedback. Obviously, this is a first draught that will benefit from revisions. I was basic playing with words of Yiddish (and German) origin [they are all in the English dictionary, by the way] for sound effects. The theme that found its way in comes from a cut-up I made the previous day. Though I would be the last to say that this piece is perfect, I think that the structure is fairly well-achieved and worth preserving. Who knows, I might change my mind after a revision or two (it sometimes happen) but I want to work more on it in its current form first. In the first stanza, if we see that line 3 enjambs into the fourth, I think it becomes clear about who is swigging booze,and no, it's not Irene Bolam. I know what "verboten" means (otherwise, I would not have included it...,)but I think it will be clearer if I insert a comma after Srebrenica. There is a lot that needs correction in there, and this why I've posted it here. I'll sure come back to your comments when I revise. Thanks again, Mark |
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turtle Senior Member
since 2009-01-23
Posts 548Harbor |
Quote:. "I was basic playing with words of Yiddish (and German) origin [they are all in the English dictionary, by the way" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Yes and I even looked some of them up.....lol I also like the way you are using the terminology to build your storyline. That is a large part of what makes this poem work for the reader. Quote: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In the first stanza, if we see that line 3 enjambs into the fourth, I think it becomes clear about who is swigging booze,and no, it's not Irene Bolam ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Nope.  .....lolIt's a dangler Mark turtle |
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Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
Turtle, Well, I'll ponder over that one...Once more, my heartfelt thanks for reading and for the invaluable feedback. I will definitely revise this piece, and your comments will be most helpful. Mark |
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