black waves (need better title)

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nina1522
Member

since 2009-02-14

Posts 189

0 posted 2009-02-17 08:37 PM

first poem ever. i must have posted this about a hundred times. im still getting used to the site. sorry about that. but thanks for reading this and pleasebe honest i truly dont mind if you tell me it sucks.

Unheralded black waves capsize over me
capturing me as their prisoner of isolation.
Tendrils of coiling seaweed lock me down
tying me to a place where
reality collides into dreams
pain smothers happiness
weakness conquers strength.
Releasing me only to sieze me once more
at my first breathe of air.

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

1 posted 2009-02-17 11:31 PM

Nina? I am not very good at critique.

I feel unqualified, but I liked your approach on this one, so in that spirit, please trust that my opinion is just that, and nothing more, k?

"Unheralded black waves capsize over me"

I'd have a put a comma behind "Unheralded", and lost one of two words that follow, either capsize, or "over" me, I'd probably opt for capsize as an edit, since your next word--

"capturing" is close in etymology. I'd probably lose the "over me"...

"capturing me as their prisoner of isolation."

that is good but can be better--capturing me as their prisoner is more redundancy and the following "isolation" is just more of the same.

"Tendrils of coiling seaweed--"

[i]I'd say the same of this, but you could reverse it and make it work,

"Coiling seaweed tendrilling"

(See how that loses the need for the line of "lock me down"?)

Which would be better, IMHO, since I think an apt description of drowning, suffocation, or whatever your choice might be might be a more apt description.

lock me down
tying me to a place where
reality collides into dreams

"reality collides into dreams"

I might just be basic and say

"reality collides with dreams"

and make it more personally case-specific.

but? smile, it's your poem, your reflection and fight me on it, since it is your expression...but if you do, let it lead to

"pain smothers happiness
weakness conquers strength."

Now there, we'd quibble.

But again, this is yours, and I'd like to see a more indepth explanation of how you come to that conclusion, because the next line is a beaut:

"Releasing me only to sieze me once more
at my first breathe of air."

I like this. I do feel you have more to say however, and would love to see you utilize the language to exemplify the feeling you express in the final line.

You've got what they call "good bones", and it could be a terrific example of hero's journey with just a bit of tweaking.

But? smile

I'm no expert.

And I write godawful poetry m'self, so?

go with your feeling, always, but I'd adore seeing this re-written with stretch and emotion.

Thanks for the opportunity to read, and express myself freely in critique.

chopsticks
Senior Member

since 2007-10-02

Posts 888
The US,

2 posted 2009-02-18 06:23 AM

"Pain smothers happiness
weakness conquers strength”

Hi Nina, I’m not quibbling with anyone, but those two lines are great for me.

I have always said, I hope I am feeling good when I die, because it’s not any fun dieing

when you feel bad.

turtle
Senior Member

since 2009-01-23

Posts 548
Harbor

3 posted 2009-02-18 11:02 AM

Hi, nina1522

I hear you're new around these parts (CA) and I'm happy to see ya.

This is a lovely poem nina and I can see right into your sweet heart.

I would like to critique your poem by answering it in a poem from me to you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Voices

Insight becomes the chorus of
Trials long traversed upon this trail.
Though many I'll not rise above,
I've often learned from my travail.
What, therefore, does its purpose serve,
This knowing voice that comes of yore?
These words that dance on quill and curve,
In rhythms past, from yonder shore.

These voices of reflected light,
In dusty glows of cheval glass,
Lift fancy dreams to fluttered heights
And brings me back to fleeting past.
A specter drifts on mists of time
To echo lulling wisps of rhyme
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

......Now. Go read a book.

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