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Critical Analysis #2
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To Dream of Peace
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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To Dream of Peace |
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Allogenes Junior Member
since 2008-01-16
Posts 35 |
The look of History is blood and tears; A chain protracted endlessly -- a slave That rolls thru numberless, unchallenged years And changes Not - from cosmic birth to grave. It lumbers wounded, though at times appears Almost to stand - then falls where none can save. - - - - Amidst the howls, the pains, of ravaged life; Among combative means, that restless beast There're those who swear, beyond this veil of strife There shines a dream of martyrs broken peace. They never cry for vain misdeeds to cease -- Oh God! What right have They to dream of peace! To speak of peace when children starve for bread In holes and allies spared for criminals! To speak of peace when tyrants swell their dead In rivers splashing at their intervals! To speak of peace ... It is enough for me To hold a groundless, brief Eternity -- Eternity that spares no man or crime, but washes all alike in drowning haze; Eternity -- a plodding, grating, Time That loses Justice to the march of days. All the injustice damned along with war Is mist --- and the despot is scarcely more. I long for Freedom's gates to open wide And usher forth another Golden Age Where man and man can peaceably abide Un-crowded 'top Creations burdened stage; To curb the reckless, imperial tide And right the wrong of Nature's folded page. |
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turtle Senior Member
since 2009-01-23
Posts 548Harbor |
Al, This is okay, but still it's too wordy.  I'll go over this and make some suggestions.  [This message has been edited by turtle (02-16-2009 08:34 AM).] |
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Allogenes Junior Member
since 2008-01-16
Posts 35 |
Thanks for commenting, Turtle. I await your opinions. |
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turtle Senior Member
since 2009-01-23
Posts 548Harbor |
Hi Al, I think your last post was a little better than this When I said this poem is too wordy, I meant that in two ways. (A double intendre.) It contains too many words, and you're trying to give me (the reader) too much information. Here is, what I thought was, one of the better stanzas with a suggestion under each line. - - - - Amidst the howls, the pains, of ravaged life; (Through howls and pain from ravaged life) Among combative means, that restless beast (And jousting with the restless beast) There're those who swear, beyond this veil of strife ( It's said there waits beyond the veil) There shines a dream of martyrs broken peace. (A shining dream of martyr's pease) They never cry for vain misdeeds to cease -- (delete) Oh God! What right have They to dream of peace! (delete) Al, I don't know if you're here because you want to know, can I write poetry? If you are, try reading up on the info in these links and then try writing a poem. http://www.blc.lsbu.ac.uk/aa/aa/Communication/Writing%20Skills/Sentences(6 5)/SentencesIntro(65).html http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/ I'm reading this one now, very interesting  http://books.google.com/books?id=CC9FzgkiJj0C&pg=PA6&dq=metaphor+sawing+wood+meani ng#PPA1,M1 http://instructional1.calstatela.edu/tsteele/TSpage5/page5.html There are so many writers who are telling the reader their feelings in their poetry Think about what you like to read. I like to read what moves me, what entertains me and what makes me think. I couldn't care less about how the writer feels. I want to know how you can make ME (the reader) think and feel. |
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Allogenes Junior Member
since 2008-01-16
Posts 35 |
Yes, I agree that the poem is too long and probably belabors the point. This is just a rough version compiled from several ideas I had; I shall probably try to chisel it down to something more concise. "Al, I don't know if you're here because you want to know, can I write poetry?" No, not really. I've never doubted my abilities to write, but -- as I've stated elsewhere -- I'm not yet confident or familiar with form. In fact, I only began to take the matter seriously about a month ago. That's the primary reason I'm here, but the message *behind* the form is (admittedly) far more important to me. Empty form is meaningless. In my opinion, that's precisely what is missing from modern formal poetry -- the Vision. But that's another discussion for another day. Thanks for those links, Turtle. I'll be sure to check them out when I get some time. -- Allogenes |
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turtle Senior Member
since 2009-01-23
Posts 548Harbor |
Hi Al, I wrote a paper on structure once, to try and put some of these college level explanations of structure, found on the web, a little simpler to understand. If you guys want I could dig it out and post it here. Quote: "Empty form is meaningless. In my opinion," Yes, and many others feel the same. Again, we come back to perspective. There is a difference between having something to say and saying something in a way to move and inspire a reader. This is the greatest problem with poetry today and why (In my opinion) poetry has slipped from the consciousness and admiration of the masses. Always, ALWAYS, write with the reader in mind. Here is a list numbered in the order of importance for a writer to consider: 1, How can I say this in a way to make the reader relate to what I'm writing. 1, How can I say this to make my thoughts clear and easy for the reader to understand. 1, Never TELL your readers how you feel, show them. 1, ALWAYS research your subject to produce a more valid opinion. 1, A poem should entertain the reader no matter what the subject. 1, There are tools to help a reader do these things. Learn and use them. Talent is not artistic expression. Talent is not taking a poetic form (Including free verse) and molding it around your expressions.These poetic forms have been around for hundreds of years, there's a reason that they work. Talent is the ability to take your artistic expressions and present them in a form that gives the READER greater enjoyment. [This message has been edited by turtle (02-16-2009 09:52 PM).] |
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