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Critical Analysis #2
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This Land Of The Free
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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This Land Of The Free |
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vellamike New Member
since 2002-08-17
Posts 7 |
Im sure it needs alterations, but its my first poem with a political theme. Call it Anarchist, Communist...whatever you will its just a bashing of our society's strange notion of freedom. In this Land of the Free, Those enslaved to other men's greed, Can boldly strike the anvil hot, For they all know that they are free, And in this Land of the Free, Its men who read its laws are proud, That though the poor always die young, Under one law they all die free, And in this Land of the Free, The few who own its earth and gold, Can pay their dues to those who rule, And know that they alone are free. [This message has been edited by vellamike (09-21-2002 01:21 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Michael Vella - All Rights Reserved | |||
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vellamike New Member
since 2002-08-17
Posts 7 |
I went back to it and this is the new version slightly altered for the better i believe. In this Land of the Free, Those enslaved to other men's greed, Can boldly strike the anvil hot, For they all know that they are free, And in this Land of the Free, Its men who read its laws are proud, That though the poor always die young, Under one law they all die free, And in this Land of the Free, The few who own its earth and gold, Can pay their dues to those who rule, And know that they alone are free. |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
I noticed the repetition of the word “free” in the first and fourth line of each verse. for me this was a bit of overkill. I feel the first line might read better as “In this Land of the liberty.” The second line works, I think it might be too direct. A good poem should be subversive In a subtle way, I think “enslaved” and “greed” are too direct, too preachy. Eg. (this is just off the top of my head) “Enlisted to service other’s needs” ok I know not the best line in the world, but my point is that that you can use words such as “service” as a substitute to slavery and a word such as “need” would have several meanings, which might add a sinister edge to the line. I like the image “Can boldly strike the anvil hot”, not sure about the word “boldly” I find it, in some sense, conflicts the image of slavery in the pervious line. Words like “ignorantly” or “blissfully,” might capture better the sense that these people are unaware of their slavery. In verse 2 line 2 “Its men who read its laws are proud,” I wonder why you used the word “read.” I feel it is about law abiding people who are unaware of the corruption of their superiors. I like the image, but I think the word “read” is a bit weak, Are they followers of this law? If so, then how about “worship”? A word like this gives a better sense of their blindness and unconditional support of the law of the land. I found the last verse to be the strongest over all. I enjoyed the poem, but I think some small changes would add an extra edge to an otherwise enjoyable read. Too early for the rainbow, too early for the dove These are the final days, this is the darkness, this is the flood |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Very few changes are needed my friend. I like the use of repetition via envoys. I also found the message very clear. No misunderstandings here. Below I make a few changes for your evaluation. In this Land of the Free Those enslaved [by] other men's greed Can boldly strike the anvil hot For they [] know that they are free[]. []In this Land of the Free, [Deleting the conjunction "and" here gives the "and" in the last stanza finality. Read it aloud with and without this change and see for yourself.] Its men who read its laws are proud[] That though the poor always die young, Under one law--they all die free. And in this Land of the Free, The few who own its earth and gold[] Can pay their dues to those who rule -- And know that they alone are free. [This message has been edited by Radrook (09-21-2002 01:15 PM).] |
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