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Critical Analysis #2
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rhia_5779
Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334
California

0 posted 2008-11-28 01:44 AM


Graves of fallen stars mark the losses of a generation
Cracked and bleeding self esteem  corroded by prejudice
Crystal embers of hate sparked by open discrimination
Silenced because no one will admit their issues exist


Pistols glitter in the darkness stopping another heartbeat
Desperate prayers will go unanswered as another soldier falls
Tomorrow plans will be made to claim blood stained concrete
Houses guilty by affiliation won't be ready when death calls


Lines of branding hate decided the racial borders feeding the fire
Chained by the words etching the street raised as condemned
Warehoused by schools who won't let their hopes be flown  higher
Police who drop enemy gangs where their presence will most offend


Amber eyes on a scarred porcelain face are a reflection of what he will become
Bodies of the jumped won't make it into  a coffin or be remembered by enscribed  stone
Street corners held hostage by heroin- claimed by those who have pain to numb
Brothers, sisters, fathers -victims of toxic hate have untold stories never to be known.


Beauty shines in the mothers who work away their lives
Sacrificing so their children can escape being called trash
Every day,trying to show they hear the silenced cries
Sick of watching their babies step on broken glass


Silver shines on a Butterfly's arched wing flying over a doorstep
A symbol of hope that  in this world is as real as fairies
they believe in fear, and the warmth of bodies frozen in death
constantly misunderstood-surviving  a world with no guarantees


Soldiers of sapphire tears and coral colored knives
Charisma of bittersweet leaders incite battles for hate
plastic wrap strangles a targeted soldier in the night
Chained to pain- caught by death's bittersweet embrace


Running through unforgiving streets from the torture of watching a
brother die
Staring at the pale pearl moon, a witnessing the harsh terms of  street law
Always being left behind,always running, never knowing when to say good bye
Crippled by silence and discrimination- life of a  Soldier of La Vida Loca
*I haven't been on PIP for a long time now- I've been on SW but since I've been here my writing as changed significantly and I have learned a lot since then. This particular poem is about a cause I strongly believe is worth sticking up for and I want to make it as powerful as possible. I want critique that can help me with that- making the words be as strong and descriptive as possible. I don't want to change the message around by making the meter perfect but if fixing the meter can strengthen the message than I'd love critique on that.
Thanks!

[This message has been edited by rhia_5779 (11-28-2008 07:28 PM).]

© Copyright 2008 rhia_5779 - All Rights Reserved
chopsticks
Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888
The US,
1 posted 2008-11-28 10:01 AM


Same as post number 5 in this thread.~~ sorry ~~

Ringo
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Saluting with misty eyes
2 posted 2008-11-28 11:35 AM


Is this about drug abuse? I can't quite, with my feeble mind, get through it.
I thoroughly enjoyed the write... living proof that I have learned to enjoy that which I cannot conceive... I am just wondering about the topic.

What would you attempt to do...if you knew you could not fail?.
www.myspace.com/mindlesspoet

moonbeam
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3 posted 2008-11-28 01:23 PM


Soldiers of the crazy life?  Inner city gang life?  Racial tensions.

This reads as a series of images and ideas, or a prose draft.  Lots of good material here though.  

Regardless of the lack of punctuation the lines mostly read as end stopped, which has the effect of fragmenting the thoughts.  This in turn leads to a kind of dulling monotony, which in some ways compliments the overriding feeling of hopeless despair engendered by the words.  Life dragging on and on from one awful day to the next.  

There is no meter.  To establish a meter you’d have to attempt a restructuring into, for instance, blank verse.  A direction you may not wish to go.

If it was me, I’d either leave it alone totally, or treat it as a first draft and now work on drastically cutting it down, starting by removing  many of the adjectives and adverbs.  

rhia_5779
Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334
California
4 posted 2008-11-28 01:38 PM



Without any kind of line break it looks more like prose than poetry :

How do I put  line breaks in? I thought I knew and it wouldn't let me- the site won't let me do that for any of mine its extremely annoying. So sorry about the line breaks.

Maybe if you took the lines that seem to support the same cause and lumped them together into stanzas that may help. I know I would like it more and even as is I like it.

The last seven lines need more than an asterisk  to separate them from the poem, maybe a couple spaces.

I have to go to Good Wills to get a pair of shoes, but after I get back I’ll  gladly show you what I mean, if you should so desire.

Yes I would like to know.

Ringo


Is this about drug abuse? I can't quite, with my feeble mind, get through it.

La Vida Loca is spanish for the crazy life which is referring to the way of life of the cholos, and cholas, the people in gangs. This particular period of time was the 60s when there was excessive violence in East L.A where many immigrants live and how all the racism and the cruelty of the police made the problem worse and strengthened the power of the gangs. So many people are the victim of that time period and now there are many of my generation who are dealing with the cycle and the way gangs are so accessible to them.
Drugs was part of it but its a part of the bigger picture.  The teens in gangs are though most don't realise it ,fighting a war and dying every day.


I thoroughly enjoyed the write... living proof that I have learned to enjoy that which I cannot conceive... I am just wondering about the topic.


Soldiers of the crazy life?  Inner city gang life?  Racial tensions.
Its about all those things.


Thank you for all your comments! I really appreciate it! I'd love to hear more what you think and how I can strengthen it perhaps specifically .
Thanks again!
WritingFree

chopsticks
Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888
The US,
5 posted 2008-11-28 05:11 PM


This was removed by Chopsticks after he sobered up.


[This message has been edited by chopsticks (11-28-2008 10:09 PM).]

rhia_5779
Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334
California
6 posted 2008-11-28 07:27 PM


Thats how it was on the other site I put it on. I will go and fix it. Thanks though!
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