Shady Lady - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

chopsticks
Senior Member

since 2007-10-02

Posts 888
The US,

0 posted 2008-10-29 08:15 AM

I waved at my neighbor this morning.
She shouted , don’t you wave at me.
I will wave at you my dear neighbor;
Or at anyone else that I see.

But her angry words kept coming.
Perhaps she has lost her sense
Then I saw the gapping hole
In the backyard chain link fence.

Then I saw my big guy,
And some of his rowdy friends ,
Negotiating with her lady
With tongues down on their chins

I quickly grabbed the water hose
And chased the hordes away ;
But gimpy gave me a pleading look
I think this could be my day.

I’m really sorry dear neighbor,
That my big guy nailed your lady;
But gimpy and her are really ok
They did not do anything shady

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2008-11-12 06:26 PM

I enjoyed this. Any criticisms of course have already been gone over ad nauseum. I see no point in saying it again.

But I liked how this one worked.

chopsticks
Senior Member

since 2007-10-02

Posts 888
The US,

2 posted 2008-11-12 10:02 PM

Thanks Brad, I’ll take I liked it any old day. However, should you critique my poem some desert flower that don’t have the nerve to write bad poetry may be blessed by that , but don’t make yourself sick,

Marc-Andre
Senior Member

since 2008-12-07

Posts 501

3 posted 2008-12-07 11:15 PM

Add a few more anapestic feet
To enhance the ballad meter;
It’d be worthwhile to rearrange
Your tetra- and trimeter.

Find solid rhymes for your third stanza
And show the world your might;
I think your verse deserves rework:
You’ve got both skills and insight.

chopsticks
Senior Member

since 2007-10-02

Posts 888
The US,

4 posted 2008-12-08 03:18 PM

Thanks Marc-Andre,

"I do thank you for your critique,
but this poet is an old antique.
I know nothing of what you speak,
but my shady lady I will try to tweak."

Marc-Andre
Senior Member

since 2008-12-07

Posts 501

5 posted 2008-12-08 08:46 PM

What you wrote looks very much like a ballad. The traditional ballad is made of quatrains (four-line stanzas, as in your poem) where the first & third lines are tetrameter (4 feet, or 8 syllables) and the second and fourth line are trimeter (3 feet, or 6 syllables). The main foot is the iAMB and two or three anaPESTS per stanza will give it a ballad feel.

The third stanza is the only one where your second and fourth lines do not rhyme.

I enjoyed reading your poem and I think you've got in your verse nice material to explore and write a longer ballad. Or perhaps, you could write limericks, which are written in anapests. Here's one I have written:

I confess I don't know what to write
And admit that this verse is a blight
I am killing some time
And I'm wasting your time
It's unlikely to bring you delight.

Looking forward to read your next poem. Have a wonderful day. Mark

chopsticks
Senior Member

since 2007-10-02

Posts 888
The US,

6 posted 2008-12-09 06:59 AM

Thanks again Mark. I knew that the third stanza was not a perfect rhyme. I rushed the poem so I could show it to my neighbor before they left for Fla. until April. Guess who is taking care of five pups .

You have a gentle way of critiquing that only a few on here have, Balladeer for another.

I’m old enough to remember when Eisenhower said, “ There are two ways to lead, by fear or affection and I have always used affection . “

I like your Limerick .

Have a great day and take it on the slow bell.

Marc-Andre
Senior Member

since 2008-12-07

Posts 501

7 posted 2008-12-09 09:55 AM

Your welcome, Chopsticks - btw I like your forum name, reminds me of that piano piece

Ever heard of "Little Willies" and "Brats?" Your five little puppies are bound to give you inspiration

Little Kitty, my Persian cat,
Who catches people but no rat,
Used to sleep in her litter box
But now she fancies dirty socks.

I admit this gives veracity to my limerick above, but I wanted to leave you with an example before I go to sleep. I'm Canadian, but I live in Asia. Have a wonderful day! Mark

[This message has been edited by Marc-Andre (12-09-2008 10:47 AM).]

chopsticks
Senior Member

since 2007-10-02

Posts 888
The US,

8 posted 2008-12-09 07:59 PM

Mark, I haven’t heard about "Little Willies" and "Brats?".Sorry, I can’t help you out on that one.

Marc-Andre
Senior Member

since 2008-12-07

Posts 501

9 posted 2008-12-11 11:33 AM

"Brats" (X.J. Kennedy)& "Little Willies" (Harry Graham) are little stanzas like my little verse about my kitten above, usually poking fun at children. Edmund Clerihew Bentley wrote similar verses for adults. Look them up as and when you've got time. What I meant to say is that the five pups you are babysitting could give inspire you to write funny little quatrains (four-line stanzas). Have a wonderful day! Mark

viking_metal
Senior Member

since 2007-02-02

Posts 1337
In a Jeep, Minnesota.

10 posted 2009-01-05 01:57 AM

This made me smile, impressive.

I liked the flow, and the way it led me from an unknowing beginning to a chuckle at the end.

-P

Some people fall in love and touch the sky, some people fall in love and find quicksand.

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.