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Russell2486
New Member
since 2008-04-26
Posts 9


0 posted 2008-10-19 04:21 PM


Here is something I wrote. It's meant to be a song, but the two are so closely related I figured why not post it here. I have a hard time finding a place with more intelligent people, or engaging criticism.

Mad respect fellow PIP talkers.


Something tells me I am angry,
and in so many words that means you've won.
I am nothing but a bitter outlet,
for your resolution with a heartfelt gun.

Go away and find your promise,
the one that crumbled years before.
I've felt betrayal pierce the center,
and I still cannot remove the thorn.

One by one you load the bullets,
stack them up and and run the scene.
You'll show me how and leave me quiet,
it's something that was mean to be.


I can see it in your hatred,
I can feel a coming wrath.
Can you hide any longer,
what you felt was there and coming back.

It's that you want...
It's me you want.

Never.

© Copyright 2008 Russell2486 - All Rights Reserved
serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

1 posted 2008-10-29 02:19 AM


Okay, but remember you asked me to do this...

"Something tells me I am angry"

I did not dislike this, I just thought it was a rather idle impetus to the thought. I read this, and really, all I want to know is what is telling you you're angry--how, why?

I mean, that's a great opening thought, but only if you describe, otherwise you are opening vague. Take ownership of the feeling and it engages my interest more:

"I am feeling very angry."

You could write an entire series of poems with the next line:

"and in so many words that means you've won." (I'd clean the English m'self, but that's dictating style and I'll fuss off of that.)

If you give us all the words, oh we are the eavesdroppers! Nod. We wanna know the words.

"I am nothing but a bitter outlet,"

There's a lot of different ways to "let out" emotion, bitter or otherwise...and none of it is "nothing". (Shake that thought loose!)

"for your resolution with a heartfelt gun."

Okay. Now you are lace-stitching some imagery, but the "heartfelt gun" needs some pronoun ownership--and a target. But all in all, I could leave that line alone--it has strength.

"Go away and find your promise,"

You lost me there, after that:

You started off with emotional enticement and then distanced yourself (and your readers) from the subject?

"the one that crumbled years before."

(a sympathetic nod, which I'm sure was expected here, but sadly, we need something a little more innovative than "crumbling years.")

"I've felt betrayal pierce the center,
and I still cannot remove the thorn."

I see no link between 'the center' and thorn removal. This might work as an arrow piercing, but the thorn implies roses...am I missing something?

It's interesting, though.

"One by one you load the bullets,
stack them up and and run the scene."

I'm not sure what this means--bullets are hard to "stack" and "run the scene" seems to imply some personal scenario that goes unexplained.

"You'll show me how and leave me quiet,"

death? I am still uncertain, as you leave us filling in the blanks.

"it's something that was mean to be."

This line is superfluous.


"I can see it in your hatred,
I can feel a coming wrath."

I do actually like these two lines, but would transpose "see" and "feel"--

as so:

"I can feel it in your hatred;
I can see a coming wrath."

(I added a semi-colon, there, too. Two complete senteces of disparate ideas sort of dictate that.)

Or not. *shrug*

"Can you hide any longer,
what you felt was there and coming back."

The syntax is clumsy and if you ask a question, leave a mark? <--like that

"It's that you want...
It's me you want."

Probably the premise of the poem, and I'd quibble that you can relate it better, without ellipses.

"It's that you want,
it's me, you want."

I don't think that's better, I just think it's a bit more clarified.

Kind of an ambiguous accusation and makes a statement of ego rationalizations.

"Never."

Well, I'd do a personal scratch on that just because I never say "never", but perhaps you meant it differently?

"Never."

And hey? I don't know my asterisk from a hole in the ground, so don't mind me.

But that first line has me intrigued--

"Something tells me I am angry"

It's a good edge on a scab to pull--I'd work on that thought alone.

Just tell us what it is.

Peace.

Russell2486
New Member
since 2008-04-26
Posts 9

2 posted 2008-10-30 12:46 PM


No I value your criticism very highly.


I think the main problem here is that I have failed to make the idea of the song understandable. Granted, some things would make more sense musically, but that's the price you pay on a poetry forum. Maybe the lyrics are just too abstract, but I myself enjoy conveying a message through images and feelings.

For instance, the term "stack the bullets" refers to loading ammunition into a magazine, as they stack on top of one another. Also, "run the scene," in so many words, is inviting the implied figure of the poem to fantasize about the action he wants to take.

So, in that stanza, the speaker is pretty much defiantly telling the figure to load the gun and think about how he wants to do it. I'll leave the question of what exactly "it" is to your own interpretation.

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

3 posted 2008-10-30 12:25 PM


See? "stack the bullets"???

I don't know guns. But I have one. Therefore I warn people that I have a gun, don't know how to use it, but I am willing to do so. And that makes me more dangerous.

I could say the same about my cricial analysis abilities.

Welcome to Pip!

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